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To hold space for curiosity

Curiosity: the strong desire to learn, explore and understand.

I want to say that the older I get, the more fixed minded I seem to be becoming… but to be fair, I feel like I’ve always been that way.  When I was younger, I thought I had a special ability to know things and to be right, most of the time.  The interesting thing about this mindset is that instead of opening doors and opportunities, it limits thinking and experiences – the opposite of what we wish for in life.  A rich, full life is full of varied experiences and a range of opportunities which can come when you are more open to things and willing to learn.

For the past few years, I’ve been reciting the works of Brene Brown and attempting to hold curious for longer and be more open to new ideas, thoughts and experiences.  But it wasn’t until I read her latest book, Strong Ground, that I realised the role of paradoxical thinking that can force you to be more closed and less curious if we allow it.

Welcome to blog #29.

Although a lot of the work I read and listen to is about leadership, the skills are transferrable across all aspects of your life.  Developing skills and strategies to listen well and respond with empathy and kindness will work equally as well for you at work as it will at home with you friends, family and loved ones.  The more time I spend in this space, the more I realise that leadership is a disposition.  It’s a way of being.  That way of being and those skills and strategies that you learn and use, are within you all the time, not just in the workplace, and they can serve you well in all situations. 

When we are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, busy… we make quick decisions.  We do this by relying on what we know to be true, our previous experiences and we live within the moment of quick reactions and responses because “I don’t have time for this.”  Does that sound familiar? 

In Strong Ground, Brene gives an example of paradox thinking.  She explains that she has resisted the idea of using 30-minute blocks of time to schedule herself at work to avoid feelings of despair – knowing each day is planned within 30 minutes blocks on repeat and losing ownership of her time.  The opposite tension to this is wanting more time for herself to do the things that she wants to be doing and those that bring her joy.  By holding strong to the ideals of “flexibility and freedom are the most important” the opportunity to consider the extra time being made available by having greater structure and limited blocks of time is lost.  Holding the space a fraction longer to consider possibilities without jumping to our test-and-tried thinking allows possibilities which may improve our situation.

“The gift of the paradox is that if we hang in there and tolerate the tension- grounding down and holding both ideas- a new and deeper level of understanding is born.”

Holding the space to remain curious for longer instead of jumping to conclusions is the learning here.  It’s the ability to have the metacognition to know that you are jumping to conclusions without consideration and to know that curiosity is needed, further consideration and conversation before a decision is made.

If we unpack the deeply held beliefs that we believe are steering us in the right direction, often it is the fear of uncertainty and the fear of vulnerability that is underlying this.  To be courageous and to lead with authenticity (or to show up in any situation with authenticity) is to be comfortable with vulnerability.  For me, I try to practise this by saying “hmm, can I have a minute to think about that?” or “my first thought is this… but can I have some time to think about it?”  These sentence stems are my tools for practising curiosity and my attempt to acknowledge and show space for another point of view. 

Although vulnerability is defined as “the emotion we experience when we feel uncertain, at risk, and emotionally exposed” it doesn’t at all mean we are showing weakness.  If we are standing on strong ground, confident that we are showing up as authentic and able to rumble with discomfort with genuine curiosity and a willingness to be open about our thinking and decisions, then we are leading.

Grounded confidence is not about knowing everything there is to know about the job, but rather to have a solid foundation of self-awareness, courage and practice.  It’s about accepting and embracing learning and unlearning, practicing and failing, and having the disposition to see yourself as a learner that is part of the team.

I may not be perfect at holding space to be curious, especially when I’m stressed or feeling challenged, but I want to get better at it, both professionally and personally.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Be my witness.

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking you are worthy.” Wayne Dyer.

Have you ever thought about the reasons why we fall in love?  Have you ever wondered what motivates you to be with someone?  Have you considered the feeling that comes from within that pulls you closer to someone or pushes them away?

These are just some of the questions that have been repeating for me for some time now.  I have found it hard to articulate what it is that compels me to be hopeful that love will happen for me once again and what it is that motivates me to keep trying.  For me, this is about truly understanding my motivations and that sense that I am missing out on something by being single.  I have not had the words to articulate this before.  That was until I heard this clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004), and I realised in that moment, this is exactly the reason that I desire to be in love.  This is my motivation.  This is my reason.   

Welcome to blog #28.

I have many well-intentioned friends that continue to advocate for the single life.  Many friends that keep reminding me of the many benefits to being single and encouraging me to make the most of this time.  I have heard many times that “the right person will come when you least expect it” and that it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when. 

This concept of waiting is not my strength.  I am impatient, a perfectionist and a bit of a drama-queen.  What has only been a short time (factually), is beginning to feel like a lifetime (the drama).  I have doubted myself numerous times and have spoken to my psychologist about my fear of being co-dependent as a motivator for seeking a partner; to which she clearly reminds me that is not the case.  She validates my feelings but reminds me of my strong sense of independence and my desire for a partner is not about need but a desire.  But for some time now I have not been able to explain why.

However, recently I heard a short clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004).  During this beautiful exchange between Susan Sarandon and Richard Jenkins, Susan describes why marriage is so important.  She says:

“Because we need a witness to our lives.  There are a billion people on the planet.  I mean, what does any one life really mean?  But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things.  All of it.  All of the time, every day.  You’re saying, your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”

Shall We Dance (2004)

The clip paused and I was breathless.  This was the wording that I had been searching for.  This was the reason why finding a partner was such a strong motivator for me.  For me, I feel like I am navigating life on my own.  I am experiencing the highs and lows, the achievements and failures and all of the everyday moments that would be just that little bit more special if I had someone to share them with.  It almost feels like my life is a waste because I sometimes ask myself ‘why does it matter?’  When we feel like something we are doing goes unnoticed we can feel underappreciated, and this can lead to a sense of worthlessness. I now know that my hope is to have a witness to my life. Someone to see me and to be part of the journey.  

This is certainly something I have had to sit with.  The way I have moved forward is by reminding myself of my values and the importance of living for what I value as important. 

I know that one of my key values is to help others to be the best they can be.  I know that if I focus on this I will at the same time feel a sense of success and fulfilment.  So, why does it matter?  My life matters because it’s providing an opportunity to lift someone else higher than they thought they could be, and this is important. 

Yes, finding someone to be the witness to my life would be wonderful, but I am happy to wait for the best witness there is and remember that my self-worth is more important than having just someone who is not there for the right reasons. 

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded. 

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When the light gets in.

“Joy seems to me a step beyond happiness. Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when you’re lucky. Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.”
Adela Rogers St. Johns.  

Do you remember the feeling you had when you experienced something and it truly resonated with you? That feeling of joy, happiness, shock, or sadness that sat with you longer than expected? Do you remember the intensity of that emotion; even if only briefly, but the way it moved you?  

Throughout this blog I have shared many similar moments when I have heard something or read something that resonated strongly and it compelled me to share it through a blog post. Recently I had another fleeting moment that did the same thing. I recently heard a poem that captures the true sensation of enjoying a moment, of finding joy; and in the words of the poet, a moment that “lets the light shine through the darkness.”  

Welcome to blog #27.  

A Poem About Joy

Joy does not arrive with a fanfare 

On a red carpet strewn with the flowers of a perfect life.  

Joy sneaks in as you pour a cup of coffee 

Watching the sun hit your favourite tree just right.  

And you usher joy away because you are not ready for it.  

Your house is not as it must be for such a distinguished guest.  

But joy cares nothing for your messy home. 

Or your bank balance or your waistline, you see.  

Joy is supposed to slighter through the cracks of your imperfect life. 

That’s how joy works.  

You cannot invite her.  

You can only be ready when she appears.  

And hug her with meaning.  

Because in this very moment, joy chose you.  

Author Unknown 

This poem resonates deeply for several reasons. It’s a reminder of the daily challenge to negotiate with my negative self-talk about almost any and all aspects of my life. It’s a reminder that I too feel a sense of not deserving joy when it comes to me and I will often turn it away or ignore it because I just don’t feel worthy enough of good things to happen. This poem is also a reminder that joy is not something you have to actively go searching for, but just be open to it and accepting of it when it arrives. For too long I have known that I am hovering between fine and not fine and that if I can cultivate joy in my life then I will have greater control over my mental health. The reality though is that joy cannot be manufactured and in trying to do so, it makes the depth of my disappointment even greater and harder to overcome.  

Although I am not a strong believer in New Years Resolutions, I am starting the year with a commitment to myself. My commitment is to hold moments of gratitude for longer. Similar to how moments of joy choose us, moments of gratitude do as well. When we are asked “what are you grateful for?” we can often think back and generate a response. But to be truly grateful is to be in the moment and let your awareness come forward and think to yourself “I’m so grateful for this”. Many of us when we have this moment let it pass by without even considering it. In some ways we feel as though it’s not worthy of our time and conscious thought. But we now know from research that being grateful for what we have in life is one of the strongest ways to maintain our mental health.  

Brene Brown has a chapter dedicated to cultivating gratitude and joy within her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” and this chapter starts with a reminder that having an “attitude for gratitude” is not enough. Having an “attitude” for something does not necessarily translate into a behaviour or a practice. If we are going to have success and benefit from being grateful, then we need to actively engage with this.  

For me, I want to be authentic and genuine with my gratitude. It’s not about having a specific time in the day, or completing a journal each night… but it’s about being present and mindful in the moment of gratefulness. It’s about acknowledging and articulating “right now I’m grateful for…” and holding this for just a moment longer. It’s about normalising the sentence “I’m grateful for…” and sharing this with the people around me and encouraging them to also be present and in the moment with me. It’s about being aware of the blockers to my ability to be present (such as using technology) and making the decision to be present and to be mindful.  

As the poem reminded us: “Joy does not arrive with a fanfare” but it can often just come as a little slither of light, almost unnoticeable. So when it does come, I want to make the most of it and give it the time and space it needs to last as long as possible.  

So, what are you grateful for?

Thank you for reading this blog.  

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.  

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The courage to accept closure.

“One of our first fears is of abandonment.” Edith Eger. The Gift.

Do you know the feeling when something feels really good, like it’s the best thing in the world? When you feel seen, heard, valued and loved? When it’s the first and last thing you think about and whenever something happens, you want that person to know? When you feel an overwhelming need to say the words “I love you” because they are felt deep down in your stomach and your body needs to release them – a sensation that feels like it is a whole of body experience.

When something feels this good, it can be really hard to accept when it’s over. When the feelings you have are not reciprocated. When you are unable to provide the other person with what they are clearly providing you. This blog is about finding the courage to accept closure.

Welcome to blog #26

I’m not proud of the way I have behaved and my steady decline into dark places. I was feeling immense pain for a relationship that ended and the overwhelming feelings of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I felt as though I will never find this again. I acted in a way that resulted in ongoing sadness and the inability to cope with daily life. I had overwhelming feelings of being unlovable and unworthy of love. I tried desperately to fix this but was met with resistance and a clear boundary that enough was enough. At the same time as desperately seeking connection, in doing so, I was pushing this person further away.

For months I continued to struggle. I couldn’t comprehend how something that felt like an epic love story, was suddenly a piece of history with a few artefacts and memories; and a void that reminded me this relationship was no longer there.

I fluctuated between wanting to continue a connection with this person and not wanting to have anything more to do with them. I was hurt and sometimes when we feel hurt, we are hurtful to try and make ourselves feel better.

On the day before I was attending an event where I would unavoidably see this person, I had a panic attack. I was overcome with emotions, feelings, worries and uncertainty. I so desperately wanted to see him, but at the same time, I didn’t. I was fearful of the moment I would see him, a moment when I thought I would fall back to ground zero in the same way I had done so a few months before.

We agreed it would be best to see each other prior to the event and this gave me the opportunity tell him everything I needed to say. He allowed me to share openly, to be vulnerable, and to seek clarity. I had finally got the answers that I so desperately needed, and I could see an opportunity to take back control. I could now, in this moment make a decision to continue feeling despair or accept that this moment had ended and this opportunity for closure would help me to move forward.

Although this interaction caused some pain, it also birthed the start of a positive change. For the first time in my life, I experienced closure. There was a moment, when it was all said and done, that I felt at ease. A weight was lifted off of my chest and I could breathe. I was still sad, and I’m still going to feel sad about this, but it’s no longer consuming me.

In her book, “The Gift”, Edith Eger writes:

“One of our first fears is of abandonment. Thus we learn early how to get the A’s: attention, affection, approval. We figure out what to do and whom to become to get our needs met. The problem is not that we do these things -it’s that we keep doing them. We think we must in order to be loved.

It’s very dangerous to put your whole life into someone else’s hands. You are the only one you’re going to have for a lifetime. All other relationships will end. So how can you be the best loving, unconditional, no-nonsense caregiver to yourself?”

The Gift. Edith Eger.

I learned a valuable lesson with this experience. We can hold on to people or moments and desire so strongly to keep them growing, but sometimes it’s by having the courage to accept closure that we can grow in new ways. I now know that in a difficult situation where I felt completely out of control, I could in fact control one thing- the ability to accept the situation was finished and to move forward. This has given me a new sense of empowerment and a strength that I didn’t realise was within me.

This is not to say we forget. I don’t think we will ever forget something so profound. But we can accept it started and finished and that’s okay. We can accept that this won’t continue, but we are glad it happened. We can accept that this opportunity happened for a reason and now that it’s happened, I’m a better person for it.

There is one incredibly important part to this story that must be included. The kindness and unconditional love from my friends. When you have intense feelings for someone and then they are suddenly gone, it leaves a huge void in your life that can be overwhelming to live with. I could not have survived this past 12 months if it wasn’t for the loved ones that continued to answer my calls, respond to text messages and continue to hug me when I didn’t feel like I could go on. I am so grateful to all of you.

The aim of this blog is to acknowledge the good that can come when we are courageous enough to accept closure- even if we really don’t want something to end. Sometimes it is with closure that we can experience moments that truly do move us forward. We can reflect on what we have gained, not just what we have lost. We can then, and only then, open ourselves up to new opportunities and experiences; and who knows, perhaps incredible new moments too.

This quote was shared with me on Instagram, and I think it’s a fitting finish to this blog:

Having the courage to accept closure takes time. It takes the right amount of time to prepare for this to happen, the right support network to help you through it, and the ability to move forward by taking one step at a time. You’ll know when you’re ready and until that moment happens, stay connected and courageous, and keep people informed with how you are feeling and what you need.

Thank you for reading this blog.


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Behind the smile

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.” Brene Brown. Daring Greatly.

Recently I was told “your smile hides a thousand stories.”

This comment made me hold my breath. I felt seen. I also felt vulnerable, and I felt sadness. It was as if the heavy armour that I carry around with me, the one that protects me from the truth and displays a happy, strong individual to the world, had somehow cracked and someone got a glimpse of what was really going on beneath it. I felt sadness that this person could see through my armour and I felt sadness for the past. A past that has shaped the person I am now, but also a past that has left me feeling damaged, hurt and at times, unworthy.

Welcome to blog #25

Looking back, I would say I was an incredible actor. I now realise I was constantly shape-shifting to be whatever the person in front of me needed. My goal was to look perfect and do everything perfectly so that no one would notice me. I would say and do whatever I needed to do to belong and to blend in. I vividly remember a time in my early 20’s when I started to wonder who am I? That might sound like a ridiculous question to ask, but I honestly felt like I didn’t know who I was. I had become so used to being whatever anyone else wanted, that I somehow had lost myself.

Perfectionism started early. It started as an armour to hide myself from the shame, blame and criticism of being gay. If I acted perfectly, no one would need to question or notice me. I could remain hidden and safe.

I now have the language to articulate the feelings that I couldn’t describe when I was younger. I now can see that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Anxiety refers to the anticipation of a future concern and is associated with muscle tension and avoidance behaviour.

I was experiencing excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations that to most of us, we do without thinking. The way I walked, the way I talked, the way I ate something… every behaviour was mimicked by those around me to try and fit in without standing out.

Somewhere along the line my perfectionistic manner shifted to not only be about blending in, but also about connection and belonging. Until I started to live into my values, I was living for whatever everyone else wanted me to be so that they would want to spend time with me.

Loneliness is something that can scare many of us. It is human nature to seek a connection and to feel a sense of belonging. For me, loneliness has taken various forms. Initially, it was the fear of loneliness for not being accepted for who I am by friends and family. It then become the fear of being lonely as I got older without a family of my own.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene writes:

“…the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown.

For most of my life, I have experienced psychological isolation. For majority of this time, it was a consequence of perfectionism and holding everyone that was important to me at an arm’s length to ensure I kept my anonymity. I did this by not being authentic. By playing the part everyone wanted me to play and therefore not developing the authentic connection that brings us closer together. In doing so, I created my own psychological isolation.

The turning point for me came when I realised the power of vulnerability. To step into the arena without my armour and show-up to live into my values. To not listen to the critics that have purchased the cheap seats and to focus on those that add value to my life and not take from it. It was at this point that I started to feel true human connection and the importance of being authentic in order to truly connect with someone.

If there is some good to come from the challenges that I have faced, it would be this:

“Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark. The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.”

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

I have so much gratitude for those that I now have a true connection with and I think I value this so highly after experiencing some of the dark moments in my past.

This blog has reminded me of the difference between belonging and fitting in. So much of my life has been about trying to fit in so that I didn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. But when you look at the definitions Brene gives us in Daring Greatly, you can see the shame and pain that comes from not being our authentic selves.

She writes:

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”

Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

So yes, behind the smile are a thousand stories.

The smile hides my crippling anxiety, the constant narrative that I am not worthy or loveable, my recovering perfectionist traits, and various levels of depression that I am haunted by almost every minute of every day.

But please know, often my smile is genuine. There are many aspects of my life that now bring me joy. The challenge I now face is stopping myself when I see parts of my perfectionism creeping back to the surface and asking myself why that is happening? Am I showing up authentically? Is this person in the arena with me? Am I trying to fit in or find a place of belonging?

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. One of the most influential books I have ever read.

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When the critic is me.

critic (noun) a person who expresses an unfavourable opinion of something.

Whilst watching the Brene Brown Netflix special called The Call to Courage in 2019; and hearing Brene recite the infamous poem by Theodore Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena, I felt understood. It was hearing the line ‘it’s not the critic that counts’ that resulted in this overwhelming sense of empowerment. It was the first time I had considered (and visualised) the difference between what I was trying to do and who I was trying to be, and those on the side lines who felt the need to criticise and make me feel small for my efforts. The Man in the Arena helped me to see that I have a choice as to what I let in and what I block out. I felt stronger by telling myself that I would only listen to those that were in the arena with me. If you’re not willing to jump in the arena, then you’re opinion is not worthy of my time and energy.

But recently my psychologist shared with me an article that explains and describes a behaviour called ‘self-loathing’ and the first time I read this, I cried. The article clearly defines every thought and feeling I have. It reads as if it was written based on my story. Perhaps it’s not all of the critics outside the arena that I need to be worried about, perhaps my biggest critic is me.

Welcome to blog # 24

Self-loathing is defined as:

…is extreme criticism of oneself. It may feel as though nothing you do is good enough or that you are unworthy or undeserving of good things in life. Self-hate can feel like having a person following you around, all day every day, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw, or shaming you for every mistake.

(https://www.verywellmind.com/ways-to-stop-self-hatred-4164280)

Self-loathing is a behaviour that can be triggered by a number of things but typically perfectionism is one of the main offenders. Post trauma, unrealistic expectations, social comparison and some other unhelpful learned behaviours can also contribute to self-hate or self-loathing.

I almost find it ironic how quickly I move between feeling positive and well underway down the path of becoming a recovering perfectionist and then how quickly I can recoil back to this feeling of perfectionism controlling my life. Reading this article made me realise that I have an internal dialogue or personal narrative that has become my number one critic. Every action, thought, rejection, attempt or interaction is evaluated and given a grade that reflects the comment of ‘not good enough’.

One of the easiest ways to identify when I’m in a shit-storm (as Brene Brown would say), is my default to repeatedly apologise for everything. I will apologise for speaking, for taking up your time, for not doing something, for doing something, for existing. When I’m deep inside my critical mind, I do not feel worthy of your time and the critic inside me will say that if I was a better person, I would be more deserving.

One of the important things to remember is that often the person suffering from this mental state will know that their thoughts are irrational. I am fully cognisant of the fact my emotional brain is taking control and my rational brain knows this. But perfectionism is a maladaptive way of protecting ourselves. The theory is that if we are the best, then there will be no room for criticism from others. How can you criticise or shame someone who is doing everything well? But in doing so, in striving for perfection, guess who is expecting more and more? Me. Therefore, nothing I ever do will be enough. You must do better.

It almost goes without saying that self-esteem is impacted negatively by these intrusive thoughts. In the last few months in particular, my self-image, self-concept and self-esteem have plummeted. I have not heard a positive comment. I know they have been said. I know people have shared them and I know that I have done things that I should be proud of. But, they are unable to break through the barrier that is my poor self-image.

So, where to from here?

I think the first step is to acknowledge what is happening. Acknowledge that this might be my inner-critic. This is when fact-checking becomes important. For me, I always use the line “the story I’m telling myself is…” and seek clarity from someone about the story I’ve made up. (Often, I’ve made up something completely different to the reality).

Kindness is a disposition I have for everyone else, except for myself. Finding a way to be kind instead of critical and being open to the kindness of others would make a big difference to my inner-dialogue. Approaching compliments with a “thank-you” instead of a “yeah, but…” would be helpful.

As with everything, self-loathing is on a spectrum. Some of us experience it a little and some of us experience it to debilitating levels, but the point of this blog is to educate. If you or someone you know if experiencing self-loathing behaviours, perhaps share the link to the article below with them and offer a conversation about it. By starting a conversation with someone you are providing an opportunity for the narrative to change, for the self-critic to be challenged, and for the person to perhaps see another way forward.

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the article: https://www.verywellmind.com/ways-to-stop-self-hatred-4164280

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Unlovable- the story I tell myself.

“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean we are unlovable. Brene Brown.

It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how many heartbreak songs there are in the world. Songs that I have really enjoyed listening to and songs that I would have considered as ‘fun’ and ‘upbeat’ up until recently when I realised that the lyrics are actually often really sad. However, this does make me think that perhaps I’m not alone with some of the feelings I have and that I’m certainly not the only person to experience them. This is what happens in life, right? People come and go and sometimes it’s easier to move on than other times.


But what happens when the big emotions become a story. When the story that you start telling yourself is that you are not worthy or not good enough. The story that you are a burden to those around you and the pity they take on you is taxing for them. The story that you are just… unlovable.


Welcome to blog #23.


The thing about stories is that they are often made up. A fictional tale that we have concocted to try and make sense of the world and the way we are feeling about it. As a recovering perfectionist, we immediately jump to something being wrong with us. It must have obviously been our fault and if we were better, then this would never have happened.

My very best friend reminded me to look at a page from The Gift by Edith Eger recently. Here is a little section from this book:

“Ultimately, guilt and shame don’t come from the outside. They come from the inside. Many of my patients seek out therapy when they’re going through a painful divorce or breakup. They’re grieving the death of a relationship, and the disappearance of all the hopes, dreams, and expectation it represented. But usually they don’t talk about the grief- they talk about the feeling of rejection.” p.84.

The Gift by Edith Eger.


The feeling of rejection can quickly lead to a feeling of being unlovable. It slides past the feeling of being lonely, to not being good enough, and ends up at the final destination of unlovable- and in doing so, deteriorates any positive sense of self you might have had along the way.


On the next page of the book by Eger writes a sentence that is equally as powerful as the paragraph I just shared:

“And most of all, we choose how to talk to ourselves”

The Gift by Edit Eger.

My biggest learning in recent times is that the story I tell myself is damaging and these thoughts will influence how you feel. They might start out as being isolated fictional pieces to express our sadness or worries, but after hearing them a few times, they start to feel like facts. It requires the courage and strength to begin pausing and asking ourselves for the evidence. Can you fact-check this damaging thought? What proof have you got to support it? How true is this story?

Brene Brown:

In psychology, they call this process cognitive restructuring. It’s the process of identifying and disputing irrational or maladaptive thoughts. It requires you to identify the problematic thoughts that are negative “automatic thoughts” and develop a conscious response that disrupts that thinking.


The narrative I continue to tell myself is holding me to a place of pity, low self-worth and lacking hope for the future. It is through the power of connection that I feel there is a way to overcome it.


I am so very grateful for the people in my life that care. At the moment, I feel like a burden, regardless of what they say, this is the story I’m telling myself. But I know that if it wasn’t for my courage and strength to reach out to these people, to tell them my story and to be vulnerable to how they might respond, I would be in a much worse situation. I appreciate their patience and their love.


We all have stories. We all tell ourselves things to make sense of the world and to explain our feelings. My challenge to you is to know when these stories are getting in the way of you being the person you are supposed to be, your best self, and to consider asking a few questions to someone you trust to fact-check some of your assumptions. “The story I’m telling myself is…. is that correct?”

Thank you for reading this blog.

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What do people (therefore) think of you?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship” Brene Brown.

What if I told you that a single word that someone uses to describe you could therefore create a full story about who you are and what you are like?

With a simple adjective such as warm or cold, another person can then make assumptions about how friendly you are, how reliable you are and even if you are a kind and caring person.

This blog is about an interesting concept called Implicit Personality Theory and the way that this theory explains the anxiety that someone who is a Recovering Perfectionist can have… the fear of what others think of them.

Welcome to blog #22.

Of course it is human nature that we are talked about when we are not around. Friends of yours would be talking about you to other friends, work colleagues would be talking about you, and your family will certainly be talking about you. For most of us, we go about our daily lives and never really think about this. If anything, we contribute to this as well. Just today I have been talking about the important people in my life with my friends and it happened without me even realising. When we are talking about someone, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is also about the good things that people say about you when you are not around, and not just negative things.

But for a Recovering Perfectionist we are constantly worried the our decisions, behaviours and actions and how these will be observed by others. We then worry about how we will be perceived because of this. We second guess everything we do to make sure it will be positively received by others. We replay situations to consider if we did everything right and if we need to do something differently. For me, I am constantly replaying situations and apologising for things that often the other person hasn’t even noticed. Sometimes I even apologise to someone for taking up their time when we mutually agreed to have a catch-up, just because I don’t feel worthy of taking up someone else’s time.

So you can probably correctly guess my shock and wonder when I recently learnt about this concept called implicit personality theory and how a single word used to describe you could create a whole story about who you are and what you are like, based purely on assumptions.

So, let’s look at a definition:

Implicit personality theory describes the specific patterns and biases an individual uses when forming impressions based on a limited amount of initial information about an unfamiliar person.

Wikipedia

Implicit personality theory was introduced to me with a simple activity. Following a simple description of someone (just a couple of sentences), we were asked to then answer a list of questions about the person. The description was simply that a young guy was known to his friends as being warm . The questions then followed:
– is the boy friendly or unfriendly?
– is the boy organised or disorganised?
– is the boy popular or lonely?
… and the list goes on.

One piece of detail that I haven’t given you yet, is that another group of people completing this activity were given the exact same description and list of questions, but the boy was described as cold instead of warm.

The results of this activity were staggering. We know literally nothing about this person except for one little personality description and yet we instantly make a list of assumptions about who they are and what they are like as a person; all based on one, simple word description.

This theory has now got me thinking about the kind of person I am, what people ‘say’ about me and the assumptions that people make based on their limited knowledge. It’s a reminder about how reputations can be formed, assumptions can be made and how opportunities can be opened or closed depending on the way people perceive you to be.

To be fair, I think we have all had that situation happen when you finally meet someone after hearing something about them and then realise “you’re not the person I thought you were!” This is just one example of how we develop a story about someone based on limited knowledge and key words and then assume we know them.

The aim of this blog is the same as always, to raise awareness, open minds, start a conversation and help others to see the complex patterns and thinking traits of a Recovering Perfectionist in the hope of bringing us closer together.

This particular blog is to highlight the ease with which we can develop assumptions about others based on a limited knowledge about them. When we next hear someone is described with a simple word, take a moment to consider what story you just created about them. Perhaps with this knowledge we can try to catch ourselves when this happens and think about the concept of staying curious for longer. A single word to describe someone’s personality does not describe them as a person. One person’s assumption about another person does not always reflect who they are, and we need to remember that people react differently in different situations. Perhaps we should try to stay curious for as long as possible before jumping to conclusions and give people a chance to show us who they really are. What do you think?

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Please accept me.

“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending.” Brene Brown.

It may come as no surprise to most of you, but acceptance is one of the biggest and most natural human desires one can have. This is tied to our emotions of belonging, worthiness and self-esteem. Unfortunately, when one of these emotions is triggered, it can very quickly unravel all of the good thoughts and feelings that have been developed over time, and for a recovering perfectionist, it can send us straight back to negative self-talk, a plummeting self-esteem and brings into question our worthiness. This is one of those situations when it feels like 1 step forwards and 2 steps back.

Welcome to blog #21.

I would have hoped by the time I was in my mid-thirties I would not need the acceptance of others to feel worthy and enough. I have worked incredibly hard to shift my life’s purpose away from needing approval from others, to being the person I want to be, and live a life that aligns to my values. However, this is not always made possible with the constant reminders from some important people in my life that I am some sort of a disappointment.

I know full well that my rational brain and my emotional brain are currently disconnected. I know that there are many people that are proud of me for my achievements and for the type of person I am. Majority of the time I can reflect on this and feel a huge sense of gratitude for those people and their contribution to my life. That’s my rational brain. My emotional brain however will very quickly snap into a reaction of hurt and shame at the slightest sign that someone feels a level of disappointment for who I am or what I am doing. Within a moment of them showing a sense of disappointment, my emotional brain will ignite and disregard all of the positive thinking of my rational brain. When this happens I suddenly question who I am, what I’m doing and why I can’t just be normal and therefore accepted.

Recently I’ve questioned why this can so easily happen to me. Why is it that I let these feelings consume me when I believe wholeheartedly in only listening to those that are willing to step ‘into the arena’ with me. Brene Brown- The Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt.

This concept of ‘The Arena’ is one that I try to live by. If you’re not willing to do what I do and put yourself in situations like mine, then I don’t need to hear your comments and criticism. Most of the time, this works. Brene would say ‘don’t listen to those in the cheap seats’ but sometimes those that are in the cheap seats are also VIP Members and their criticism can cut deeply.

But, here’s my learning. If you care about me and you want to support me to be the best person I can be, you’ll be either beside the arena asking ‘what do you need?’ or you’ll be in the arena with me saying ‘I’m here and let’s do this!’ …and if you’re not, then I’m sorry but I don’t care for your opinion.

As a recovering perfectionist we have spent too much time worrying about keeping others happy at the detriment of our own happiness and wellbeing. I know this is sometimes a life lesson that we have to keep having as it’s not easy to do, but I’m grateful for the reminder that I can choose. I have a choice to engage with and listen to the critics in the cheap seats or focus on those that are here in front of me; supporting me to be the best version of myself.

“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognise our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.”

Brene Brown, Rising Strong.

If you are feeling down because of those that are important to you making you feel less than your true self then please consider who is your support person, who cares about you, and focus on them.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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A Literal Heartstopper

“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.” Dr. Brene Brown.

I cannot remember a time when within one episode of a mini-series I’ve felt such a pendulum of emotions swing from pure joy that this version of a story is being told, to immense sadness for a story that is like mine, but also so different.

The Netflix new series Heartstopper is an 8-episode series about a young boy who has a crush on another young boy at his high school.  Never before have I seen a series that portrays so well the depth of emotion and the challenge and despair of realising your identity and questioning oneself.  This series was both beautiful in its normality of what a relationship ‘should’ be like for young gay people and yet depressing with the sadness I have for a life I was robbed because of fear, anxiety and homophobia.

Welcome to blog #20.

If you know me, then you probably already know my story.  I spent my life trying to please others and my motivation for this was acceptance. I would become who you wanted or needed me to be without any care or consideration for what I needed.  I withheld emotions, desires, and who I knew I was to make others feel comfortable; and out of the fear of being rejected and alone.

My coming out story was not and has never been a story of happiness.  It was an unfortunate event that I could not complete and has always been left half-said or not said at all.  The fear of not being accepted is so deep seeded that I have often considered no life at all instead of a life where I was not wanted or a life of letting others feel disappointment because of me.

For anyone who is wondering, success does not bring you joy.  Achievements do not bring you happiness. Being loved and accepted for who you truly are by others does.

I was scared to watch this series. I was worried that my story, my hard and often lonely story would be turned into something for entertainment.  You often see this. A glossy version of gay love from the perspective of someone who has no clue what it is actually like. For those that do not know what it has been like, you could never truly create a series that captures the challenges of a confused boy trying to make sense of a situation that outcasts them from the societal norm.  But they did it.  This show portrayed so many of the raw and heart-breaking moments that happened so many years ago. The desire for connection but confusion about how to label it, what it would mean for the future and of course, how everyone would react.

Heartstopper
2022 ‧ Drama ‧ 1 season (Netflix)

Throughout each and every moment I felt the pendulum swing. One moment I was in awe and happiness to see the story unfold – a story that has for so long been a banned topic of conversation and then the next I was beside myself with anguish and despair.  Anguish for a life I could have had if it weren’t plagued with fear, hatred and homophobia. 

Watching this series forced me to think about the different life I could have had if my situation had of been different. If I had of had the courage to speak up. Had the power to speak my truth and the support to be who I am; my life would have been so different.

The purpose of this blog is not to seek sympathy but it is to provide a perspective that may help others to think differently, consider another point of view and in time, shape the way we support and care for each other.  This has been an incredibly hard blog to write but in sharing this I hope to become another step closer towards becoming a recovering perfectionist who is often plagued with guilt and shame.

The greatest gift we can give someone is validating their worth. I don’t mean praising someone and inflating their ego, but acknowledging them as someone who is seen, cared for, and valued. What I would not give to have my childhood back and to know then what I know now. Life is not about pleasing others or making yourself small and unseen to make others feel more comfortable. It’s not about how many people like you but the quality of those that do. It’s about being true to ourselves and surrounding ourselves with those that want to support you, not bring you down or shape you into something they would prefer to see.

My mission moving forward “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.” -Dr. Brene Brown.

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COVID-19 Shame

“Shame is the fear of being unworthy of love, connection and belonging… it say’s you are a bad person” Brene Brown.

COVID-19 hit me without notice. I was fine and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. Within the first 24 hours I could feel constant waves of sickness run across my body. The fever had parts of my body feeling like they were on fire, while others were freezing. I was breaking out into cold-sweats while also looking for a blanket to keep warm. My body ached all over but it was my face that felt the worst. Every part of my face felt enlarged, my temples swollen. My nose was running non-stop and within the first few hours, half a box of tissues had been used and discarded. My head and throat felt pain, whilst my chest felt tight and restricted. My heart felt like it was sporadically racing.

My body was trying to cope with what was thrust upon it. An unfortunate illness that entered my body regardless of the careful way in which I tried to protect it. I am vaccinated, I am always cleaning my hands and keeping my distance from others, and I have been wearing a mask when in public. Theoretically, I know it’s not my fault I have COVID-19, I’m just unlucky. But the shame of having COVID-19 is almost just as debilitating as the physical pain of the symptoms.

My hope with this blog post is to share a side of this that we haven’t yet heard; the voice of someone diagnosed with COVID-19. I want to share this as a way to share how serious this can be and how easily it can happen. I did not take this serious enough. I followed the rules but also had the attitude of “it’ll probably happen and we will all get it…” but now I can see how harmful this is to both you and those around you.

In the first few moments of realising I was sick, I started to worry. I was making a list of everyone I had seen in the days leading up to the sickness. The shame of having to explain to each of them that I now have this pandemic; this illness that has swept the world and instils fear in many of us is not information I want to share with my closest and most important people, but I knew that I must share this to keep them safe.

When I could, I made contact with the Public Health Line to seek advice around testing. It was the start of a new way of dealing with this given the large number of unnecessary tests. As I was showing symptoms, I was first required to collect a Rapid Allergen Test (RAT). Within minutes, it showed a positive test result. This was not a good sign given that the instructions in the box inform you that it could take up to 15 minutes for a positive test result to show and mine was almost instant. Stage 2; have this verified with a PCR test at the local drive-in testing clinic. An experience not easy to complete when you feel awful and have to sit in your car for nearly an hour. The heat from the outside was making it truly uncomfortable and the constant need to blow your nose making it difficult to sit still. My body repeated the hot and cold sensations with thanks to the fever still in control of my body and at the same time as trying to remain calm and answer the questions correctly for the staff at the testing clinic.

A number of different people spoke to me during this time. First someone to check my name and date of birth. Then someone to check my address, phone number, name and date of birth. Finally someone to check my name, date of birth and to administer the test. Given the positive RAT test, I was told this COVID test would be made a priority with results shared that afternoon. I was then reminded to go home and isolate.

It’s incredible what your brain will do when it has time to think. Driving home I started to think about all of the possible interactions that could happen and the potential for this to spread while I made the 8 minute journey back to home. If I had a car accident, if I was pulled over by the Police, if I broke down. A small sense of panic washed over me as I realised I needed to get home and stop the spread of this any further. Then, later that night, the SMS read that I had tested positive for COVID-19 and must remain in isolation until further information was provided.

Thankfully for me, the symptoms of COVID-19 have been relatively mild after that first horrific 24 hours. Days later I still have shocking headaches, trouble breathing, moments of a racing heart beat, and parts of my face that feel swollen; but I am able to sustain focus much better now and require less pain relief.

The thing I’m finding most difficult at the moment is COVID-shame. COVID-shame is the feeling of being dirty. It’s the feeling that you have done something wrong to catch this (like touched a door handle or taken your mask off). It’s feeling like you are the person to blame for any sickness someone may now get. It’s feeling like all of this is your fault when people panic or stress when you tell them that you are positive with this. It’s the feeling of guilt because you attended those drinks, that lunch, the gathering all the while thinking you were well and healthy- but apparently you were not. It’s the fact you feel like you have put others in danger. It’s the ‘them’ and ‘you’ mentality. It’s worrying about what other people may think. This is COVID-shame.

With the case numbers now so high there is a likely chance someone I have made contact with could easily contract the virus from someone else, but that doesn’t change the story that I’m telling myself that this could have been avoided if I had of stayed away.

Many people ask where did I get it from? The answer is simply “I have no idea!” I have been so careful. I have hardly left the house for things that are not essential. I have spent less than 4 hours with people (the current requirement to be classed as a close contact with someone or for a venue to be named a hot-spot), but I still got it.

We all have a part to play with this. We must enact the COVID-19 safe measures we have been told to do: hand-washing, mask-wearing, distancing, vaccinations and testing. We also have to take responsibility for our actions. If we are going to have a meeting, gathering or interaction then we may put ourselves in a situation of contracting COVID-19. This is the reality of our current situation and not the fault of one individual. COVID-19 is invisible. It could be anywhere and we just can’t see it.

As someone who has been working really hard to improve their mental health and perfectionism in recent years, I fear for the impact of COVID-shame will have on those that are not ready for it.

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: “What will people think?”

Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown, 2021.

Stay safe.

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The Language to Connect 

“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness.  Having access to the right words can open up entire universes.”  Dr. Brene Brown. 

I was so incredibly excited to know Brene Brown was publishing a new book.  After devouring her previous books and finding strength and hope from her book “Daring Greatly”, I just knew this book would have something in it that would resonant with me.  But this was a different book to any of her others.  This book captures the 87 different emotions and behaviours that define what it means to be human and gives us the language to name them and the self-awareness to know when they are happening.   

The reason why this is so important is because it’s only when we have shared meaning, a common language and an ability to navigate our way through both our own and someone else’s emotions, that we can find connection.  Without this ability to identify an emotion in others we are truly playing a guessing game when trying to connect. If we can identify the emotion in ourselves, we also have the power to control it.  

Welcome to blog #18. 

Life seems to keep challenging me to consider the way I hold myself and interact with others.  As Principal of a school, I am inevitably going to be exposed to and required to interact with a lot of different people, and I really enjoy this.  Interestingly, I am finding my interpersonal skills are equally required within non-work related situations and I am constantly considering the way I am showing up and engaging with others.  As a deeply reflective person, I am often thinking about these interactions and wondering what worked well?  Why was that easier or harder than expected?  How could I have handled that differently? 

What I am often coming back to is the notion that we don’t know what we don’t know.  I’m becoming more aware of the situations when people are sharing their ideas and providing opinions on things that they have no knowledge about.  Sometimes, that is by choice.  But often this is through a lack of education or exposure to this idea/ concept and so the opinions formed are simply based on unsubstantiated opinions.  Remaining curious long enough to consider this is the challenge. Before making an assumption about someone’s opinion, I am trying to hold judgement long enough to consider if this person has had the same experiences and exposure to this as I have and considering the place that they are coming from this. (Guidepost: Assume positive intent).

“Atlas of the Heart” by Dr. Brene Brown is a glossary of the 87 different emotions and behaviours that have surfaced from her research and provides us with the language to identify, understand and then manage these emotions both within ourselves and others.  In a way, Brene sees this like a map.  A map of our hearts.  She sees this information as a map to guide us through our relationships (which is at the heart of our being).  At the heart of it (no pun intended), the book is about having a shared language and understanding.  

In Atlas of the Heart, Brown writes:

“When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited.  Without accurate language, we struggle to get the help we need, we don’t always regulate or manage our emotions and experiences in a way that allows us to move through them productively, and our self-awareness is diminished.  Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.” 

As an educator, I have been cultivating my ability and awareness of reacting to situations that could trigger a negative reaction from the person sharing something with me.  When someone is sharing something with you, they are truly vulnerable.  They are sharing what they know (or believe) and although this may not always be right, the way we react can either affirm someones sense of self, or deflate it. Once someone starts talking, they are opening themselves up to criticism and judgement.

The more I learn about myself, the more confident I am with being the person that values supporting others.  To do this well, I need to ensure my reactions to others avoid eliciting a shame response.  Shame is a dangerous emotion that is unhelpful for building a positive relationship and connection with someone. This brings me back to the idea that we don’t know what we don’t know.  To respond in a way that initiates a shame response for someone who doesn’t know any different and who has not had the same experiences, education or information shared with them as I have does not align with my values.    

After reading “Atlas of the Heart” I can now articulate the way I have been trying to develop as both a leader and as a decent human being.  

Brene Brown writes: 

“Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balance and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.” 

In short, Brene would say: “I’m here to get it right, not to be right.”

Reading the section on humility resonated deeply.  Over time I have been trying to present myself in a way that say’s: “Hey!  I’m here!  I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers but I have something to offer, something to share and together, we can help build knowledge and shared understanding.”  As a recovering perfectionist, this is huge.  Not only am I admitting I’m not perfect, I’m creating a culture where I value everyones contributions and calls for help.  

I am certainly not perfect at humility.  I am still at times ‘armouring up’ when I feel threatened or like I’m not meeting someones expectations- but I am growing and improving and enjoying the benefits from having a little more humility in my life and less of a focus on always being right, perfect, and worrying about what ‘they’ will think.  

The title of this post, “The Language to Connect” comes from the undeniable need for us to have a shared understanding and shared language for us to connect in meaningful ways.  It enables us to openly share and discuss with empathy, love and care, and value the contribution each of us brings to the connection.  Atlas of the Heart is a great way to begin that journey and to see there is so much happening for each of us at any one time and that being mindful and open to this is important.  We can never truly know what is happening for someone else, but we can ask them, and listen, and respond in a way that builds the connection instead of stopping it. 

This blog post has been inspired by the book “Atlas of the Heart” by Dr Brene Brown. 

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The Gift of Choice

“In the end, it’s not what happens to us that matters most – it’s what we choose to do with it.”  Dr Edith Eger.

I was first introduced to clinical psychologists and Holocaust survivor, Dr Edith Eger after listening to the Unlocking Us podcast episode with Brene Brown titled: Recognising the Choices and Gifts in Our Lives.  After the podcast had finished I went straight to the book store and purchased a copy of both The Gift and The Choice by Dr Edith Eger as I felt compelled to know more.

The podcast once again helped me to understand a concept that I was unable to articulate.  It disrupted my thinking and challenged me to consider the freedom that comes from recognising the choices we can make, even when we feel the burden of a challenge.  This episode reiterated the importance of how we perceive situations and reinforce that it’s not necessarily what happens to us that matters the most, but the way we react to a situation that can have lasting effects.  

Welcome to blog #17. 

Challenges, bad things, trauma… they will happen to all of us at some point in our lives but some people are able to cope when these things happen better than others.   As a Recovering Perfectionist, I’m constantly reflecting on the situations that have happened to me and consider what I could have done differently to try to make things easier, better and how a better outcome could have been achieved if I had of acted differently.  Although self-reflection is a good quality to have, regret and wishing to change the past can be damaging and sometimes I find myself fixated on situations to the point where it induces a range of negative self-talk thoughts and emotions.  

In The Gift, Eger writes:

“Regret is the wish to change the past.  It’s what we experience when we can’t acknowledge that we’re powerless, that something already happened, that we can’t change a single thing.”  

When we spend time and energy within a state of regret we are perpetuating the idea that we are powerless, that we ‘should have’ done this, or ‘should have’ known better and we are stripping ourselves of the one thing we do have… the freedom to stop playing that story on repeat.  

‘the power of freedom is the power to choose’…

One of the key lessons Eger shares is the ability to identify the ‘mental prisons’ we are locking ourselves into.  She explains that a mental prison is where we take away our freedom to make choices that could release us from this trauma.  It’s a place where we hold ourselves within a confined mental state, almost as a way to punish ourselves and therefore unable to see another perspective.  She goes on to explain that the only way forward, the only way to unlock ourselves from these mental prisons is to consider the choices we have to see things differently.  With the more choices we have, the more empowered we feel and then the greater our ability to move forward.   

Eger explains why this concept is so powerful when she writes about the notion of learned helplessness.  She explains that this is a condition that we suffer from when we have no efficacy in our lives and when we believe that nothing we do will improve the outcome.   The way to overcome this is to develop learned optimism which is the strength, resilience and an ability to create meaning and consider the direction of our lives.  

Learned optimism will give us the power to unlock the mental prison we might find ourselves in and give us the freedom to consider the various choices we have to move forward.  But, learned optimism does not come naturally to all of us and when things are difficult for us, it can be hard to see through the fog of despair to the clarity of options.  This is where some tools and strategies can be handy.

Each of us will carry our own set of tools and strategies to help us when we are down. For some this could be anything from a place you like to go to, a routine you like to follow, a song or movie you need to hear, a space for exercise… but for me it’s about coming back to my learning about vulnerability and courage. For me, I have to remind myself to be courageous and vulnerable and speak to someone that can help me gain some clarity on the options I am currently unable to see.

Recenlty I was confronted with a situation that caused me to step into a mental prison of self-doubt and negative self-talk.  I was triggered by an experience in the past and I was unable to clearly see reason.  I knew my thinking was not rational but I was unable to break the pattern.  The first step for me when this started was to identify that I am in a mental prison and I want to break free.  I then reached out and contacted a friend of mine and said “I know this is not a reasonable thought, but it’s happening and I need help to move past it, can you help me?”

Being honest and vulnerable about my feelings and emotions have been central to moving through challenging times.  The power this has given me is immense and I’m so grateful for this learning.   I truly hope that by sharing this with you, it will help you to be stronger, kinder to yourself and more empowered.  

This blog post has been inspired by the book “The Gift” by Edith Eger and the podcast episode on Unlocking Us by Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-dr-edith-eger-on-recognizing-the-choices-and-gifts-in-our-lives/ 

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The Dreaded ‘D’ Word… Delegation.

delegation: (n) the assignment of authority to another person to carry out specific activities… (so like… not doing them yourself!)

As a recovering perfectionist, the idea of delegation can cause nightmares.  The definition itself screams a lack of control and the potential to have no influence in the work that is about to be undertaken.  If you think that when I refer to delegation I’m only referring to a position of leadership or management, you are wrong.  I’m even talking about the kind of delegation where you might let your partner or friend make the coffee for you or mow the lawns.  Everyday tasks that to most trigger no second thought, but to a perfectionist, can be anxiety provoking and learning to overcome this has been an incredibly difficult challenge.  

Welcome to blog #16. 

There are a couple of things that people don’t realise when it comes to delegation.  One, if a perfectionist (or recovering perfectionist) delegates even the smallest of tasks to you, you should feel privileged and proud.  We are essentially telling you that we trust you enough or like you enough that we will deal with the anxiety and challenge of having you do something that we would prefer to do ourselves.  The second is that when people keep telling us we need to ‘learn to delegate more’ they have no idea the difficulty they are asking of us.  We don’t want to feel like we have to do everything.  We don’t set out to be this way.  But our minds are telling us that if we want something done right, we need to do it ourselves.  

Rational?  Nope!  Easy to change? Nope!  Am I getting better?  Yes… slowly. 

Being blessed with a perfectionist mindset also makes it incredibly hard to listen to others when they are sharing their challenges or thinking.  Essentially what is happening when someone starts talking, the perfectionists brain starts problem solving.  As soon as I get enough information from the person that is talking, I begin formulating my response and projecting my plan to support this person and help them to improve in the area they are sharing.  Yes, another side effect of the dreaded perfectionist brain is that we think we have an answer for everything.  

I hadn’t really considered this particular trait that much until I recently read an incredibly powerful paragraph in the text “Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone” by Brene Brown.  

On page 82 I read this:

“One of the most essential steps in this transformative communication, and perhaps the most courageous, is not only to be open-minded, but to listen with desire to learn more about the other person’s perspective… and then we have to listen.  Really listen.  Listen to understand, not about agreeing or disagreeing.  We have to listen to understand in the same way we want to be understood.”  

This paragraph shifted my thinking immensely.  The concept of listening to understand without the need to formulate and prepare a response was a completely new idea to me.  I expend so much energy trying to prepare responses when someone is talking to me that I often miss so much of what they are actually saying.  

For the past year I have been consciously reminding myself to “listen to learn, not to respond” and trying hard to be present and actively listening during my interactions with others.  This is not always easy- actually most of the time it is really difficult, but I think it’s equally as important to ensure everyone feels heard – after all they have selected you as the important person to share this information with, so if nothing else, listen.

This blog today is not really a celebration of what has been ‘achieved’ but an acknowledgement of the effort and thinking that has happened to embrace change, even when it’s hard.  By no means am I a recovered perfectionist, but with awareness and enlightenment I am working towards it and that is worth writing about. 

Thank you for reading this blog.  

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When help is hard to ask for.

Help: (verb) to make it easier or possible for someone to do something.

“Help” has not been the first thing I would think of when something has been challenging.  ”I can do it …” is a phrase I’ve replayed to myself time and time again; even when I couldn’t… but why?  To feel in control?  To feel successful?  To prove a point?  But what I end up doing is making things more difficult for myself than they really need to be.  This image of Piglet and Pooh captures this perfectly.  Pooh responds to the ‘bravest thing he has ever said’ by saying he would simply asked for help.  The irony here is that it’s not simple.  It takes an incredibly brave person to be vulnerable enough to say ‘I’m not sure what I’m doing here, can I please have some help?’ and to accept the help that is being offered to them. 

Welcome to blog #15.

Somewhere along the way we created a story.  A narrative that says that if we ask for help it reflects as a weakness.  I’m guilty of this.  I would prefer to feel the stress of not understanding or not knowing how to cope than to show a weakness and a need to ask for support.  This narrative is ludicrous.  One of the biggest concerns for me is how deeply ingrained this narrative is, even though I’m consciously acting against it.  

This quote resonates deeply within me.  Too often I worry about the things that have not happened yet but sit in the suffering of my own imagination.  Often the reality is very different and yet I’ve spent all of this time worrying about something that didn’t even happen.  This is another part of the story we tell ourselves.  

I’m currently reading the latest book by Mark Manson: Everything is F*cked; A Book About Hope.  Similar to his first book, Mark refers to values and suggests how some of the behaviours we have developed have stemmed from something irrational.  Here’s a quote to summarise how the narratives we develop and the narrative we tell ourselves can influence our lives.

“These narratives we invent for ourselves around what’s important and what’s not, what is deserving and what is not- these stories stick with us and define us, they determine how we fit ourselves in to the world and with each other.  They determine how we feel about ourselves- whether we deserve a good life or not, whether we deserve to be loved or not, whether we deserve success or not- and they define what we know and understand about ourselves.”  Mark Manson. 

The narrative is just a story.  A story that we have developed to explain something that we are trying to work out.  Often our stories are developed based on something we see or hear someone else do, and we then think this is the ‘right way to do it’… but the truth is, we are all trying to work this stuff out.  

This year, more than any, I have been the most vulnerable I have ever been.  Starting the year in a new position at work, in a new community and without my usual support network has required me to reflect on the type of person I wanted to be.  I knew that in order to build respect and a culture of mistakes being evidence of learning; I needed to lead by example.  Where possible, I try to help myself when I’m confused or unsure, but more times than not you will find me sending an email or making a call to ask for help.  This might seem insignificant, but it has required a deliberate effort to change the narrative I was telling myself that ‘asking for help is admitting a weakness’ and rewrite this story to ‘asking for help demonstrates vulnerability and growth, two things I highly value!’  

What I would like to see is that as a community we change the narrative where seeking support is valued and seen as an act of learning and not at all an act of weakness. 

Thank you for reading this blog.  

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Embarrassment is part of success.

Success: (noun) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose

Once upon a time you would never have seen me wearing a pink jumper! You would never have seen me shopping in the ‘female’ section in a clothing store and you most certainly wouldn’t have heard me telling the truth to a shop keeper when I ask them for a larger size of a pink ladies jumper so that I can wear it.  However, the weekend before Mother’s Day that’s exactly what happened.  I was determined to have a bright pink jumper for an important walk I do each year with my Mum for Mother’s Day and I honestly didn’t care what people thought about it.  But how did I get to that point? What’s changed? 

Welcome to blog #14.

What others think of us can be incredibly debilitating.  To a recovering perfectionist; the way others think of us is often the decider for our actions and decisions.  We want to please others but even more so, we want approval.  Those of us that are constantly challenged by perception are always second guessing our choices.  What we wear, the way we speak, the decisions we make, what we eat, drink, do… always wondering what other people will think of our choices.  If this sounds like you, I am so sorry.  I know how hard it can be to do the most simple of tasks.  The good news is that help is out there and you can learn to have a greater level of control over this, however; it’s a constant battle and something I am still grappling with.  I have good days but also many challenging days and sometimes I just have to ride the wave of anxiety until it passes. 

A prime is example is going to a bar.  For years I have been worried about the drink I will order when I’m at a bar.  I’m not a beer drinker but it is socially acceptable for a guy to order a beer at a bar.  Personally, I’d prefer a nice white wine but every time I would order one in public, I would feel judged and humiliated by the bar staff, anyone that was listening and sometimes even by the people I am with.  But here is a very important lesson… if you feel judged or humiliated by the choices you make by the people you are actually with… they are not the people you should be with.  

One thing I have learned from this pain is the importance of communication.  For goodness sake just speak.  If you are worried about something or if you are second guessing a conversation you’ve had; a reaction from someone you are worried about, just say something.  The worst thing that someone can do is play the event over and over in their head.  This is torture and honestly, it’s self-sabotage.  The event becomes bigger than it actually was, the events seem worse than they actually are and we begin to tell ourselves that this is all our own fault and we will never get past it.  Before it gets to this point, be brave, be vulnerable and say “this is the story I’m telling myself…. is that true?”  

So how does communication help with the pink jumper scenario?  Well for one thing, I talked about what I was doing.  You might consider this ‘testing the situation’ with others.  I told the people close to me that I was intending to buy a bright pink jumper to wear on Mother’s Day and closely watched their reaction.  When it was positive, I felt a sense of calm.  I then reflected on this and thought to myself ‘who am I actually doing this for? Am I doing it for other people, or for my Mum and I?’  I think that’s when I realised I didn’t care anymore. I felt brave enough to speak up at the clothing store and be true to myself about what I needed and why and nothing bad came from this.

What this blog really comes down to is our values.  If we really care about other people and making a moment special for them, we won’t let the perception of others interfere with it.  We will rise above the negativity and stupidity because we know our purpose is true and authentic. 

If you don’t follow Mark Manson on Instagram, I would strongly encourage you to consider it.  The frequency of his messages has increased and he often posts little ‘words of wisdom’ from his blogs and books.  

This friendly reminder is really helpful to support what we have talked about here.  We (everybody) worries that our failures and problems are unique to us.  If only we weren’t so scared to talk about them then we would see that we all have the same fears of failure and it’s normal to worry, stress and feel uneasy.  To overcome this, we need to decide if we are worried about this because of the short-term embarrassment and whether or not we are willing to be vulnerable enough to work through it for the greater good that awaits. The key message? Don’t dwell on your worries, say them aloud to be brave enough to move past the fear.

Thank you for reading this blog. 

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Considering Change

Change: (verb) make or become different; (noun) an act or process through which something becomes different. 

To consider the current time as a bit of a change is a bit of an understatement.  COVID-19 has flipped life as we know it upside down and people everywhere are trying to grasp with what has become the new reality.  For some of us the impact has been bigger than it has been for others.  For some it has impacted on our lives more than we anticipated it would.  Regardless of the level of change that has happened, there has been change nonetheless and as Mark Manson said above, “There is no such thing as change without pain, no growth without discomfort.”  

Welcome to blog #13

This quote from Mark Manson resonated with me for a number of reasons.  It has stayed with me for a few weeks now and triggered me to write this post.  I think for one it articulated why change is so hard.  I also know that change is something I have struggled with in the past.  The change process itself requires us to alter the norm, disrupt the routine and remove the safety that comes from the familiar.  We are thrown into a state of discomfort and I think for many of us, that is why we avoid it.  The beginning of the world-wide pandemic that is COVID-19 has forced all of us into a state of discomfort and that also creates a sense of vulnerability.  If you know anything about vulnerability, you will know that when we are vulnerable we are essentially surrendering ourselves to a feeling of uncertainty which can be a good thing if we are feeling courageous or really scary if we are not.  

The speed at which change has occurred during this pandemic was unprecedented and ruthless.  It took most of us by surprise and therefore made it difficult to be prepared for it.

But change doesn’t have to equal bad.  Although unexpected, if given the opportunity, this could unearth a new way of thinking, working, communicating and a new sense of self.  It is when we are forced to make a change, that new possibilities can emerge. 

I think this quote from Mark Manson reminds us that with this change we have to accept loss.  Through this process we are evolving and adapting and with that we are having to let go of the past and accept the future is going to be different.  Letting go of what is comfortable and familiar is not easy; but it is possible. 

Brene Brown often talks about the stories we tell ourselves and this is also true when it comes to change.  If we sit with the story that this is going to be difficult, hard, not fair… then we are closing our mind to the possibility that this change could bring with it something positive.  Brene talks about the concept of ‘owning our stories’ which means “reckoning with our feelings and rumbling with our dark emotions- our fear, anger, aggression, shame and blame.”  So much of this is true when it comes to accepting change.  If we take some time to rumble with what is happening, what is triggering the thoughts and emotions, then we have a chance to change the narrative instead of keeping the same story on repeat. 

There has also been an idea shared online about not yearning for the past because we will never be going back to ‘the way things were’.  In a sense this is true. We have all been affected by this change.  We have all grown from this, experienced a different way of life; we are stronger, wiser and we can now to take this with us into the future.  

I’m going to finish my blog today on the most important thing about change.  

We must have dialogue.  

It is even more important now than it ever has been before to keep the dialogue open and honest.  Talk to someone about how you are feeling, what you are worried about and what you are learning.  Be vulnerable to say what is on your mind and see what you think about it when you say it aloud.  Validate your thoughts through conversation and rumble with the ideas that come out. 

You’ve got this. 

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded. 

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Rising Strong’ by Brene Brown and the Instagram post from Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F**k!”

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Happiness: more than a feeling

Happiness: in the deepest sense is not a feeling state or a succession of pleasures, but a deep sense of well-being and an appreciation for life itself, with all of the mystery and changes. 

“Happiness comes to those that wait” is a phrase that I could not stand.  This notion of not being in control and the need to ‘wait your turn’ for something good to happen has always seemed absurd to me.  It is also through all of my reading and personal discovery that I’ve also learned that true happiness can only be achieved through the alignment of living into your values.  It is when this occurs that we can feel a true sense of happiness and not just a short lived experience that we can get from material objects and experiences. But for me I had forgotten what true happiness felt like until the beginning of this year when I started in a new position at work doing what I feel I was born to do and with that strong alignment to my core values, I have felt immense happiness and contentment. This blog is to inspire you to find your happiness.

Welcome to blog #12.

The past few weeks have been a polar opposite to the weeks prior.  I was feeling lost, depressed, anxious and without purpose.  My identity was shaken. I felt weak and vulnerable and fairly close to hitting rock bottom with my emotions.  I had been fighting to escape an experience I didn’t want to go back to and felt worthless at the constant knock backs and barriers I was challenged by. This may sound like a dramatic retelling of events, and it wouldn’t be the first time I was accused of telling a story with dramatic embellishments, but this was a time of great stress and pain as I felt lost and disconnected.  

It was through the work of Brene Brown and her book Rising Strong, as well as from watching Dr Russ Harris with his YouTube video about the human brain and how we naturally create psychological suffering with thanks to our biology, that I started to see things differently.  It is through this education and new understanding that I’ve learned to process my thoughts and feelings and look for ways to improve. Dr Russ Harris gave me the information to understand the complex history and evolution of our brains which explained why it was so difficult to stop myself from worrying. Brene Brown has given me the hope from her book Rising Strong to see the challenges I face as opportunities.  This was apparent from the first page when she writes: 

‘To the brave and brokenhearted who have taught us how to rise after a fall.  Your courage is contagious.’ 

It is that second line that resonated with me the most: ‘Your courage is contagious’ and it really was.  It is from Brene’s research and stories that I’ve learned I too can be courageous and that has helped me in both a personal and professional life.  The courage of the research participants to share how they were vulnerable and brave and share their stories has given me the hope to find a better way to be and enact this courage as part of my work.

A few things have really come to the forefront for me in the past few months.  One is about the courage to admit when things are not working and to seek a solution or to find an alternative- this is not a weakness, it’s having true strength.  Another is around aligning what you do to your values so that you can have a sense of fulfilment and joy; and finally the last is about good leadership. 

Simon Sinek shared this message in one of his YouTube videos about leadership: 

‘good leaders make you feel safe’ 

Safe… at first this seemed like an interesting choice of words. When I think of the qualities of a leader, safe wouldn’t necessarily be at the top of the list. But when you think about it, that’s exactly what a good leader should do. With a sense of safety comes the courage to be creative, take risks and strive for success without fear of failure or judgment.  I feel blessed to have had some amazing leaders in my life that have supported me, encouraged me and made me feel safe and these are the qualities I try to live as a leader of my own team. 

If nothing else, I feel privileged to be reminded of the feeling of true happiness once again and I am hopeful that everyone who is lost, sad or worried can once again find a way to live into their values and find what they need to become truly happy.  Sometimes the first step is to acknowledge you deserve better than you’ve currently got. 

Some of you might be wondering ‘where do I start?’ and my answer would be to ask yourself what truly drives you? What makes you want to get up in the morning? With that realisation you can then begin to align yourself to your values and feel that sense of purpose that makes it all worth while.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on the subscribe link to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by Rising Strong by Brene Brown and The Happiness Trap: Evolution of the Human Mind by Dr Russ Harris (YouTube). 

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Time to Rumble

Rumble: (verb) to move or travel with such a sound.

To read Brene Brown’s books is one thing, but to put her principles and concepts into action; well, that’s another thing altogether.  To rumble with something may sound peculiar to those that are not familiar with Brene’s work and it doesn’t mean some sort of football thing like running and trying to grab a ball… and it doesn’t mean to hurt someone else… it means to stick with the tricky, stay curious even when it’s challenging and push ideas back and forth until you can come to a shared understanding.  

“Dare to Lead:  The Call to Courage” is a two day workshop that invites you to do just that, to rumble with new learning, to be vulnerable and experience discomfort, to define and articulate your values, to learn how to trust and to uncover the skills to rise above challenge.  Yes, that’s a right, a lot to rumble with!

Welcome to blog #11. 

If you are worried this post is going to be a recount of the two day professional learning workshop I have just completed, don’t worry, it’s not.  Instead I want to focus on a couple of the ideas that I’ve had to rumble with to better understand myself and what that means to be a courageous leader.  I think one of the first learnings for me is that leadership qualities are not reserved for those that have a title.  They are dispositions, ways of living and being that emulate from a person who is courages, grounded, brave and true to their values.  I was reminded of the ‘sphere of influence’ many times across this workshop and regardless of how many people you directly influence, you have the potential for someone else to see how authentic and great you are.  

Early in my career, I couldn’t comprehend the notion that ‘leadership is not just a title.’  But what I’ve come to learn and what was reiterated through this workshop is that it is the person that has leadership qualities and those leadership qualities can be enacted and displayed at any position.   

When you think about it, good leadership is:

  • someone you can trust
  • someone who is authentic and true to themselves
  • someone who is vulnerable and can admit when they are wrong
  • someone who encourages you to be the best you can be
  • someone who supports you

…aren’t they just qualities of a good person?  

I guess my point here is not to over simplify the role of a leader as I know it is more complex than that… but at it’s heart, daring leaders are not just people who have a leadership title, they are people who have leadership qualities and that can be all of us.  

Another concept that was explored was that of the SFD… also known as the ‘shitty first draft.’  I’ve spoken about this before in previous blogs, the story you tell yourself when you hear or see something.  This is the inner-monologue that begins to try and explain what is happening or fill the gaps when information is missing.  The reason I bring this up again is because it was further explored in this workshop and I’ve now learned more about how this can impact on us.

We were asked to think of a challenging time and write down the SFD.  What was the inner story you were telling yourself no matter how ridiculous it may seem now?  Then we were asked to go back and read it.  What does this tell you about yourself? 

What I learned from doing this is that my SFD is on constant repeat, no matter what the situation is. My default is the same: not good enough, should have done better, no one will like you. I was able to write down my SFD in minutes because it’s so familiar to me. When I read it back, I got really emotional. I tell myself the same story no matter how far from the truth it might be and without any hesitation. The power of knowing your SFD is knowing that when it’s happening that there is more to the story and this is just your mind trying to fill in the gaps with the story it knows. When you have this knowledge, you have the power to change the narrative. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have for this? What did that person actually do or say? Am I making an assumption based on little to no facts?

To be a leader we are going to be faced with challenge, that’s part of the job.  We know that this requires courage to be vulnerable and say ‘hey, I’m here and I’m trying’ and there will be those that will try to bring you down.  To be honest, does leadership have anything to do with this?  Isn’t this the same for everyone?  I’ve learned so much this year through my personal journey and from reading the many books Brene Brown has published, but one thing I’m proud of is that I’m now courageous enough to lean into my values, stay curious when challenged and rumble with my SFD when I’m not feeling my best until I can be sure of the facts.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded. 

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown. 

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Society’s Expectations

“The key to success is to start before you are ready” – Marie Forleo

This is an imagine of a random Facebook post that I have recently read. I hit the like button at first to acknowledge I agreed but then moments later I went back and turned my ‘like’ into a ‘love’ after realising how much I believe in this. I think the message in this image is really important and unfortunately it has taken me too many years to learn this.

Welcome to blog #10.

As a recovering perfectionist I remember growing up with an unspoken pressure to achieve certain goals and to be a certain way. The best thing I could do, was to exceed expectations… but not deviate away from them. I felt an enormous pressure to act a certain way, speak in a particular way and be a certain way- all to make someone else happy. To be honest, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this, but it is an exhausting way to live. This required constant acting, constant self-awareness and making adjustments to my behaviour based on the feedback and comments from others. Although living your life in this way brings to question your authenticity; unfortunately, too many of us are still feeling the burden of society’s expectations and the expectations of others… and that has to change.

If you grew up in the 80’s (or anytime before that), you’ll know exactly what the above image is talking about. It’s the unspoken expectations that you’ll achieve certain goals, life events or milestones at particular times of your life. I can vividly remember people commenting on how ‘old’ someone was and how they can’t believe they are not “insert expectation here”.  The pressure that these expectations puts on us is daunting.  What this does is not inspire people to be great, but arouse feelings of anxiety and stress when these expectations seem unable to be achieved or out of reach… or, just not desirable. 

I grew up with the unspoken expectation to be successful. To achieve this, society expectations made me feel like I needed to have the following:

  • a good job and reasonable income 
  • to be married
  • have children  
  • a nice home 
  • good savings and a strong work ethic 

As a very young person, I believed these expectations would bring about a happy life.  It felt like the ‘right thing to do’ was to make sure I achieved all of these goals by the expected age and maybe even exceed those expectations… but I also knew deep down that not meeting these expectations would bring great shame to both me and my loved ones.  The problem was, I also knew at an early age that I would not be married and I would not have children because I knew I was born different and later labeled this as being gay. 

For many years I tried to fight this. I’ve tried to ignore the truth and I’ve tried to act ‘straight’ to avoid the pain of admitting who I was and the fact I would not reach or achieve the expectations society had set out for us. Although it might sound dramatic, this internal torment was gut-wrenching and it’s a feeling I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel- the feeling that you are a constant disappointment or a mistake. 

I think it was because I didn’t know any different that I just accepted this as normal. It wasn’t until I had a traumatic experience and started to see a psychologist that I realised how much of my perfectionism was tied to this feeling of shame.

It wasn’t until I uncovered this with the psychologist that I realised how these ridiculous societal expectations are not essential for happiness or to having a successful life. When you think about the necessities for life we need food, water, shelter and some would also argue ‘love’ as basic human requirements. The rest are ideals constructed by society that have no actual substance to our existence. This realisation was monumental for me. It was the moment I gave myself permission to consider an alternative matrix for happiness. Although this sounds like it should be easy to comprehend, it was a new way of thinking and it required some long and difficult processing.

Brene Brown explains this well when she writes:

‘the same way you feel a muscle “burn” when it’s being strengthened, the brain needs to feel some discomfort when it’s learning.’

Happiness is not achieved just by jumping through the expected life milestones… happiness is reached by achieving and enacting your values, by feeling needed and important, and by feeling a sense of personal achievement. For me, happiness is achieved through empowering others and feeling like I’ve contributed to something bigger than myself.

Can we please destroy this idea that there is an expectation to ‘do things’ by a certain age and instead show kindness to each other without judgement. Let’s celebrate the good, show empathy for those that struggle and reward the focus on growth and attempts to be better. 

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded. 

This blog was inspired by the above quote and by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown. 

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The Stories We Tell

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Joseph Campbell.

How many times have you heard or seen something and before you know it your brain has developed a little story that explains it?  Sometimes the story can be so elaborate and so convincing that it can evoke a strong emotional response and sometimes even a reaction.  But how many times have you been wrong because your brain decided on a story that might seem pretty good but is purely based on initial assumptions and a lack of facts?  

The stories we tell ourselves are not only potentially harmful to our relationships with others, they can be harmful to ourselves.  We can become so good at telling stories that we can create personal narratives that are not based on facts and all of a sudden we can tell ourselves things that aren’t true.  These stories, this internal dialogue, can be so powerful they change our demeanour and how we see ourselves.  

Welcome to blog #9

Not long ago I was caught out on a story.  I had sent a friend a text message to say ‘hi’ and hoping they would respond wanting to catch up with me.  The response was not as I’d hoped… they were busy and so I started to tell myself a story.  My story went something like: ‘of course they are busy, why would they have time for you?  Maybe you could text someone else?  But, why bother?  They will probably be busy too.  Come to think of it, do you have any friends?  Does anyone really like you?… and the story went on.  

To a recovering perfectionist, stories come way too easily.  They are the proof that you could do better and be better.  Sometimes the stories can be innocent, but sometimes they can dramatically change your emotional state and sense of self.  A couple of weeks later I let my friend know how I was feeling and they made it really clear that none of this was true and it was obvious they were actually busy.  

I recently participated in some professional learning that showed a model for why this happens.  It’s called ‘the path to action’ and it looks something like this: 

An example to illustrate this could be something like:

You see a Mercedes Benz parked on the street and a parking inspector printing a parking ticket to place on the car.  You laugh and think to yourself ‘oh well, they can afford it.’ 

But let’s look at what you know- someone who was driving a car has to pay a parking ticket.  We don’t know if the person has borrowed this nice car, if it’s on ridiculously high payments, if the person had to leave their car unmetered for an emergency… we just don’t know.  We have made an assumption based on a tiny piece of information – it’s a nice car, they must have money.  

I think this is human nature.  I think we all do it.  Our brains are pattern finders and they like to know the full story.  But the problem can be when our stories make us feel a particular way and they change our view of ourselves or make us act in a way that we will regret.  

I’ve recently been reading Brene Brown’s latest book: Dare to Lead.  Brene explains that sometimes it can be hard to acknowledge that we are in fact telling ourselves a story because then we have to own up to it. When we acknowledge this might not be the truth, we then have to accept the reality and sometimes the reality can be harder to deal with.

Brene writes:

‘When we own a story and the emotion that fuels it, we get to simultaneously acknowledge that something was hard while taking control of how that hard thing is going to end.  We change the narrative.  When we deny a story and when we pretend we don’t make up stories, the story owns us.’  

Making up stories is going to happen.  But when they do we need to look at that story with a critical eye and ask ourselves, is that true?  If it is true then that’s ok- we can own it.  We can accept the story and the emotion that comes with it.  But if it’s not true, then we need to remember to consider the facts and not let ourselves move into an emotional response or even an action response before we clarify a few things.  Perhaps we need to get better at saying to someone … ‘hey, the story I’m telling myself at the moment is….am I making this up or is there some truth to this?’  

When we own the story, we control the ending with the actual truth; not our possible truth. 

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded. 

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown. 

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Getting to the heart of it.

Definition of perfectionism:
noun: perfectionism
refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

As an educator I know that in order for us to learn and grow, we need to be challenged and stimulated with opportunities to develop our understanding.  This is why I’ve spent so much time immersing myself into the work of Brene Brown and various authors who provide theory and insights into the way the human brain works and supporting me to develop a meta-awareness of my own mental health.  Through this process, like with all learning, we find snippets of information and ideas that will confirm or challenge our understanding and slowly we peel back layers of confusion until we get to that ‘ah-ha!’ moment.

But sometimes we uncover something that digs so deep and resonants so strongly that it cuts through the layers of confusion and strikes at the heart of our wondering.  We find the information that feels like it was written for us as it articulates perfectly the response we needed in that moment of time.  It can sometimes be so profound that it makes you stop and reflect and think ‘wow, that answers it’ and it feels like we’ve reached the pinnacle of our journey.  

This proverbial ‘sometimes’ moment happened to me recently and it felt like I was getting to the heart of what it has meant to feel the burden of being a perfectionist- and to be honest, it hurt. 

Welcome to blog #8

Dare to Lead is the latest Brene Brown book that I’m devouring.  From chapter one, I’ve been enthralled by her words and I’ve deeply related to the content.  From page 78 though it started to get personal.  It started with a reference to Daring Greatly (another book of hers), that said:

The Vulnerability Armory

‘As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished and disappointed.  We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions and behaviours as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear.  Now as adults we realise that to live with courage, purpose and connection- to be the persons who we long to be- we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up and let ourselves be seen.’  

The vulnerability armor was something I lugged around with me every day as a kid.  I wanted so desperately for no-one to notice me, to just blend in and not get ‘picked-on’.  The saddest part about this, is that I had so much to offer that most were unable to see until I became an adult- and even then, I’ve had many moments when I’ve picked up the vulnerability armor and tried it on again for good measure.  

When I think about my role as an educator, I desperately want to stop children feeling like they need to wear armor like this.  I want to sustain a culture that values difference and accepts people for who they are.  

My vulnerability armor took on the form of perfectionism.  It was through trying to be perfect I thought I would not be noticed.  If I was perfect, then no one would criticise or need to torment me.  It was through perfectionism that my family would be proud and questions would not be asked.  In theory it doesn’t sound like the worst thing that could happen to someone, right?  Trying to be perfect all the time must have its benefits?  But Brene Brown got straight to the heart of it when she said: 

‘perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence… it is not self-improvement.  Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval.  Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports).  Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.  Please.  Perform.  Perfect.’

Wow Brene…  you got it.  This page was getting to the heart of it. Reading page 79 forced me to reflect on my childhood, my adolescence and everything that has happened since.  Perfectionism was my armor, happiness came second.  If it wasn’t right and perfect, it was my fault and everyone would notice… or so I told myself.

In some ways, I feel like a fraud.  This blog is titled: ‘a Recovering Perfectionist’ and I think reading this reminds me that recovering is different to recovered.  I feel like I have come so far with my recovery from perfectionism (this blog is testament to that), but when we get to the heart of perfectionism; I feel like I’ve still got more to do in this space, more to learn and more recovery is needed.

I have a quote tattooed on my right arm.  It reads: 

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’

The quote is there for many reasons but one of them is to have a constant reminder of who is in control.  We have the ability to accept or reject the love and pain that others want to share with us.  As a recovering perfectionist I have to work hard every day to remember I have the ability to accept or ignore how others treat me; something that is often lost when we are overcome with perfectionism.  

Thank you for reading my blog. The aim of this blog is to raise awareness, start conversations and to help others.  I hope the journey to self discovery that I’m sharing here will not only help me to clarify my thinking, but support someone else that needs the same.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to subscribe to receive email alerts when the latest blog is posted. 

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by author Brene Brown.

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Unimaginable Kindness

Definition of unfathomable. : not capable of being fathomed: a : immeasurable. b : impossible to comprehend.

In the incredible children’s story, Mr Stink by David Walliams; the main character refers to many random acts of kindness as ‘unimaginable kindness’ and it’s a phase that has stuck with me since reading the novel many years ago.  The phrase encapsulates this idea of ‘kindness beyond belief’ and something that almost seems exceptional or something we are not worthy of.  

As a recovering perfectionist I have a great struggle with accepting kindness from others as my default thinking around this is a constant feeling of unworthiness- or something I’ve since discovered could be labelled ‘imposter syndrome’.  

But recently I’ve been privy to some of this ‘unimaginable kindness’ and it has got me thinking… what constitutes unimaginable kindness?  How does this impact on others?  Does it always look the same? 

Welcome to blog #7

Unimaginable kindness is the feeling that someone cares so much about you that it takes you by surprise.  It’s the extravagant gift, the spontaneous cuddle or the verbal acknowledgment that you are important and you mean something to someone else and often it takes you by surprise. 

All of these things have occurred to me in recent weeks, many of which is due to a change of employment that I’m about to begin.  Perhaps it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic or I’m looking for a way to make sense of my emotions, but I’ve been hyper-vigilant to this kindness and how it makes me feel.  

This week it started with a 5 year old that spotted me in the playground and spat out his food as he tried to say my name in excitement.  It’s the 6 year old that spotted me out of the corner of his eye and spun around flinging his arms in the arm and shouting ‘hello’ with a glorious smile.  It’s the beautiful friend that gave me a gift bag full of items, each with personalised labels to explain their relevance and connection each present had to our friendship.  It’s the person that said a number of times ‘if I don’t see you, good luck, you’re going to be missed’ and the friend that remembered a conversation we had weeks before and gifted me with something she remembered was a favourite treat of mine.  And, it’s the friend that drives for hours just to have lunch or dinner with me.  It’s the friend that randomly invites you out for a coffee or dinner, just to spend time with you. Each and every one of these experiences has made me feel a moment of unimaginable kindness.  

It has also dawned on me this week that these random acts of kindness are so special because they are unexpected. They happen in a moment or at a time when we least expect them and therefore when we don’t have any expectations. When we hold expectations for how something should be, we can also set ourselves up for disappointment when our expectations are not met. 

On a few occasions this week, I felt disappointed due to my expectations not being met. In the moment it is hard not to feel disappointed but I had to tell myself that the other person didn’t know what I was expecting, how could they? So is it their fault that I’m feeling the way I am? Expectations can help us when we want to compare and see if we are getting a good deal or not, but they can also make us feel disappointed when our expectations are not met.  This is a challenge for those of us that are ‘recovering perfectionists’ because often we not only have high expectations of ourselves but of others, too. 

Unimaginable kindness can take your breath away and make you feel important, but it doesn’t always have to come from someone else.  Being kind to ourselves is equally as important.  When was the last time you acknowledged how hard you’re working?  Or, how much you have on your plate?  How kind have you been to others to the detriment of your own happiness?  Sometimes we push so hard to make sure we are doing everything we can for others that we forget to be kind to ourselves as well.  This could be as simple as buying dinner instead of trying to cook it when it’s already getting late,  going for a walk at lunch time instead of working through it, or deciding to read a book instead of doing the housework.  It’s ok to give yourself permission to be kind to yourself, too. 

Thank you so much for reading my blog and to those that have shown me unimaginable kindness in recent weeks.  

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Clarity through Connection

“It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea.  You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship” – Anne Lamott. 

I’m one of the lucky ones.  I have an incredible network of amazing friends.  A partner who is extremely patient and understanding, and the resources to seek support and guidance from professionals when it has been needed.  I have lived through dark times and became stronger given the challenge.  Getting clarity on what my triggers are and how to overcome my challenges has not been easy.  It has taken years of researching and unsuccessful attempts before I would see a glimpse of success.  For many of us (and I’m included in this), our journey towards clarity can often feel like we are invisible because we don’t fit the societal norm that appears to be functioning perfectly.  This shame comes with a sense of isolation and disconnection, which we know feeds shame and makes it stronger.  

Connection with others, being courageous and talking about your struggles and showing empathy towards others is one way we can seek clarity and build resilience during difficult times.  Yes, I’m one of the lucky ones, because I have finally worked this out.  

Welcome to blog # 6, and thank you for reading.  

“The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next” – Mignon McLaughlin.

Clarity through connection is having the courage to speak to others and refuse to give shame the one thing it needs to survive- isolation.  This is something that I mentioned in blog #4 but it has become even more evident in recent weeks for me.  There has been a number of personal challenges that could have potentially left me feeling invisible.  Brene Brown describes this as the following:

“Invisibility is about disconnection and powerlessness.  When we don’t see ourselves reflected back in our culture, we feel reduced to something so small and insignificant that we’re easily erased from the world of important things.”

Becoming invisible is the easy option.  Retreat from life, hide away and fester in our shame and our challenges.  

But something different happened.  This time I courageously spoke up.  I talked to those that are close to me about my struggles, the way I was feeling and how I felt lost and needed clarity to move forward.  The clarity came from the connection.  It didn’t happen straight away, but with the more connections I made, the more people I spoke to, the clearer my thinking became.  

Whilst reading the chapter in her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)”  by Brene Brown, I found a metaphor that helped explain this notion of ‘clarity through connection’ perfectly.  Brene Brown uses the idea of zooming (like a camera lens) to explain what happens when we seek connection.  Without connection, we are looking through a zoomed lens at ourselves.  We can only see the moments that are playing in our heads and we are only listening to our self-doubt, worries and concerns.  She says:

“When we are in shame, we just see our own struggle.  As we zoom out, we start to see others engaged in similar struggles…. The comfort comes from recognising that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.”

By talking to others, by being vulnerable and sharing our struggles, we begin to remove the stigma that we are perfect and often we see we are not alone with our struggles.  I had to realise that my friends and those that are close to me don’t just need to see the perfect me, they actually want to see the real me.  The real me is easier to make a connection with, to relate to, and to be friends with.  The real me is not perfect, I have struggles and with your help, I can work through them…  AND, I want to do the same for you.  

This blog post is all about connection.  It’s about fostering and encouraging positive connections where we can share our struggles, have empathy for each other and comfort each other as we search for clarity to become a stronger sense of self. 

Appreciation post: thank you everyone that has helped me- you now who you are.  I may not say this very often, but you have no idea how important you are to me. 

So, who is part of your network?  Who can you trust whole-heartedly and be vulnerable with?  Can you seek clarity through connection?

This blog was inspired by the book:  I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brene Brown.  

Thank you for reading!  Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert next time a blog is posted.  

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From Good to Great… Really?!

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress: Working hard for something we love is called passion.” 
― Simon Sinek

Some people expect life to move from being good to great.  Some people think that if ‘this’ happened (insert unrealistic goal here), then everything will be better and they will feel happy.  This is why so many of us feel terrible when things don’t go the way we expected.  We build up unrealistic expectations, set unreachable goals and then feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment and shame when we can’t reach them.  Even worse is when we think we should be happy because we have reached our goals but we aren’t.  The result; a staggering number of unhappy people.  

Throughout that first paragraph, I kept referring to ‘some people’ but let’s be honest, this is really a paragraph about me.  I’ve expected that my life would go from good to great because I deserve it.  I work hard; I try my best; I push the limits and I’ve earned success.  Right?  Well, not really.  Because life doesn’t go like that.  So does that mean we should give up and stop trying?  No way! But what it does mean is that we need to set ourselves realistic goals and expectations that are based on effort and not outcome and to remember that life isn’t a continuum from good to great, but more like a series of curves with ups and downs.  

Welcome to blog post #5. 

Mark Manson is one of the first authors that shifted my perspective.  It was “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” that helped me understand so many of the emotional responses I had to situations and the feeling of depression and despair after something didn’t go as I expected. 

For a perfectionist; it is difficult to try things that we know we aren’t going to be good at.  If it doesn’t go as planned or work in the way we think it should, then we feel an overwhelming sense of shame.  One of the quotes from the book that resonated with me was:

“We can be truly successful only at something we’re willing to fail at.”  

This quote reminded me that if we want to grow, then we have to challenge ourselves and with this unknown comes the risk of failure.  But for us to be truly successful and grow, we have to go beyond the comfortable.  

A second huge learning from the book is the understanding of values.  I didn’t understand this at first until I was able to make the personal connection to this.  Manson can be quoted to say:

 “Our values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone else”. 

When we finish work or go home at the end of the day and think about whether that was a ‘good day’ or a ‘bad day’, what are you using to measure this?  What metrics are you using to compare one day to another.  What do you look for to know if you can feel a sense of achievement and pride for the day you have just had?

To better understand this, Manson explains the two different types of value sets that people can have.  They are:

1. Values centred around: pleasure, material success, always being right, staying positive;

or…

2. Values that are: reality-based, socially constructive and immediate and controllable. 

For many of us, we set goals that are focused to the first set of values.  These might be things like: 

  • buying a new car
  • getting the better job
  • going on a holiday

…but what happens when you have achieved this?  Sure, it might feel good for a short time, but then what happens?  You feel sad?  You’ve worked hard to achieve these goals and then… nothing.  It’s happened.  It’s done.  And now you are left wondering what to do next.  This is a pattern of goal setting I’ve found myself trapped in.  A cycle of goals based on pleasurable or material success and although this drives you to be the best you can be to achieve the goals, it has a devastating disadvantage when you: a) can’t achieve it or b) do achieve it and then don’t have anything else left. 

The second set of values are based around the way you see yourself (and others), as a person and the way you want others to see you as well.  If at the end of the day you can reflect and think “yeah, I did (insert profoundly important goal here)” then you will feel a sense of success towards your day regardless of the challenges that stood between you and the things you desire.  

Here are some examples of the values that could be important to you: 

  • honesty, innovation, vulnerability, self-respect, curiosity, creativity…

But for me, the value of ‘helping others’ is the most powerful.  After reading this chapter I realised that if I’m going home at the end of the day and measuring my success against scale scores and test results or work related targets, then I can often feel disappointed or like I should have done more.  What is even more important to me is the notion of supporting others to be the best they can be.  With this realisation, I then started to change what I prioritised on a daily basis.  I now make sure I give myself opportunities to practise my values.  I look for opportunities to speak to others and see that they are able to achieve their own goals and support those that need it.  This blog is an example of that.  By writing these words and by discussing these concepts, I hope to help others that are trying to understand the complexity that is the human brain and associated emotions.  

This notion of a values based metric is supported by another influencing author: Simon Sinek who in his book ‘Start With Why’ says:

“There are only two ways to influence human behaviour: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.” 

When you think about it, your values are the ‘why’ to your what.  The why is shown through the what that you do and the decisions you make. It drives your decision making and shows people who you are.  

So, start with why.  Can you articulate your most important value?  Is this what you are using to measure a successful day?  

This blog was inspired by the book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson and Start with Why by Simon Sinek.

Thank you for reading!  Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert the next time a blog is posted. 


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Turning the Light On Guilt and Shame

“Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren’t a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” Cheryl Strayed

Turning thirty, for me, was a shameful experience thanks to societal expectations.  Leading up to my 30th, I had told myself that I was not doing as well as I should be for this stage of my life.  Society has told us that by the time you are thirty you ‘should’ be married, have children and be financially secure.  I know that times are changing and this isn’t necessarily the ‘norm’ anymore, but I felt like a failure moving into my thirties because of it.  It was for this reason that I had great anxiety going to my own 30th birthday party because I didn’t feel worthy of the time people were giving me by attending.  This is just one  little example of how a feeling of shame can be crippling and socially isolating and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has let societal expectations creep into our thoughts and make us feel a sense of shame. 

Have you ever considered the difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’… do you consider them to be different?  If you are like me then you might be using these terms interchangeably but they are actually very different and can have a significant impact on the way we see ourselves.  

How many times have you felt a sensation of guilt?  Eating something you know you shouldn’t have… ignoring someone… telling a lie… walking the long way around so you don’t ‘bump’ into someone… these are all actions that might cause a guilt type response.

Guilt is not a bad thing.  Guilt keeps us in check.  I’m currently reading “I Thought It Was Just Me- But It Isn’t” by Brene Brown and she explains that:

‘Guilt is holding an action or behaviour up against our values and beliefs.’

Guilt is therefore an emotion that helps us understand that our thoughts or actions are not aligned to our values and beliefs.  Guilt is an emotion that encourages us to re-think our choices and consider a better alternative.  

The problem I have had is when I let ‘guilt’ turn into ‘shame’… and that can be really hard to come back from.  

Welcome to blog #4.

Isn’t it funny how incredibly helpful hindsight can be?  I’ve spent years trying to understand how the decisions that I’ve made in the past have got me to the point that I am now and yet with reading 12 simple words in the middle of a paragraph in a book by Brene Brown, I have the answer I’ve been searching for… shame. 

‘Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.’

Shame is a devastating emotion that isolates us from our friends, family and our communities.  When we become this disconnected from others, it can lead to a nasty path of ‘negative self-talk’ and for many of us, depression.  

The difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ is when we take a moment or thing that has happened and express it with regards to ourselves. 

If I feel ‘guilty’ about eating chocolate most nights of the week because I’m stressed about study and work, then I might think or say something like: “I’m not being as healthy as I should be lately, I need to make better choices”… but this can quickly turn to ‘shame’ when we say or think something like: “I’m an idiot for eating like this.”

The damage comes when we turn a situation or event into a personal attack.  The change can happen quickly and without us even noticing.  We subtly start dropping the “I’m” into our thoughts and without us evening noticing it, we feel a sense of shame about our choices.  The worst thing about starting a pattern of shame thinking is the fact shameful behaviour perpetuates itself.  If you say things like I’m an idiot, liar, failure… then you will start to believe it. This story you’re telling yourself becomes your new narrative. Apparently this is just ‘who you are’ and if you don’t see anyone and speak to anyone because of the shame you are feeling, then who will tell you any different.  Brene Brown has developed this definition:

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.’

I have felt a lot of shame.  For me, having a perfectionist type attitude often results in a feeling of shame. Although, this is something I’m working on!  Whenever something doesn’t ‘go’ as expected or as I would like it to go, I immediately believe it’s my own fault and that I’m the one that is stupid or to blame.  This often results in a feeling of unworthiness and isolation.  I would choose to not spend time with friends or family because I felt like I was wasting their time, being a burden on them or believed they felt obliged to spend time with me.  I couldn’t accept that people might ‘like’ the idea of spending time with me.  To me, I was not being fair to others by suggesting a catch-up.  

So, how can we overcome shame?  Brene Brown has an idea:

“Comfort comes from recognising that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.”

From my limited understanding on this (I’m not an expert but I’m trying to work this out), it seems as though we have to let others in to overcome this nauseating shame feeling.  We have to be vulnerable with those around us and say “I’m feeling guilty about this, can I talk to you…” and for the privileged person who is listening to say “you know what, I don’t think you’re the only one… it’s going to be ok”

Validation of our guilt, creating a sense of normality and a true friend to enable us the chance to ‘get-it-off-our-chest’ so to speak, are the ingredients to help put us on the right path to overcoming shame.  

So, let’s become shame shifters.  Let’s listen for the negative self-talk and redirect it.   If you hear someone say “I’m….(insert negative comment here)”… stop them and say “you’re not (this negative comment), but it sounds like you are feeling guilty about a mistake you made”… Let’s be vulnerable and articulate the problems we see/ feel or hear.  Let’s focus on the mistake and not the negative-self talk. We don’t accept this anymore. Let’s stop this shameful (the personal attack) and accept the guilt we feel for our mistakes. We need to learn from them and trust the people around us to show empathy when we are vulnerable.

Shame is not something we can overcome on our own.  We need people around us to help turn on the light to this dark and worrying feeling of shame; so then we can see a clear path out of it. 

This blog post was inspired by the book: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). By Brene Brown.  https://www.penguin.com.au/books/i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt

Thank you for reading!  Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert the next time a blog is posted.