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The courage to accept closure.

“One of our first fears is of abandonment.” Edith Eger. *The Gift.*

Do you know the feeling when something feels really good, like it’s the best thing in the world? When you feel seen, heard, valued and loved? When it’s the first and last thing you think about and whenever something happens, you want that person to know? When you feel an overwhelming need to say the words “I love you” because they are felt deep down in your stomach and your body needs to release them – a sensation that feels like it is a whole of body experience.

When something feels this good, it can be really hard to accept when it’s over. When the feelings you have are not reciprocated. When you are unable to provide the other person with what they are clearly providing you. This blog is about finding the courage to accept closure.

Welcome to blog #26

I’m not proud of the way I have behaved and my steady decline into dark places. I was feeling immense pain for a relationship that ended and the overwhelming feelings of losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I felt as though I will never find this again. I acted in a way that resulted in ongoing sadness and the inability to cope with daily life. I had overwhelming feelings of being unlovable and unworthy of love. I tried desperately to fix this but was met with resistance and a clear boundary that enough was enough. At the same time as desperately seeking connection, in doing so, I was pushing this person further away.

For months I continued to struggle. I couldn’t comprehend how something that felt like an epic love story, was suddenly a piece of history with a few artefacts and memories; and a void that reminded me this relationship was no longer there.

I fluctuated between wanting to continue a connection with this person and not wanting to have anything more to do with them. I was hurt and sometimes when we feel hurt, we are hurtful to try and make ourselves feel better.

On the day before I was attending an event where I would unavoidably see this person, I had a panic attack. I was overcome with emotions, feelings, worries and uncertainty. I so desperately wanted to see him, but at the same time, I didn’t. I was fearful of the moment I would see him, a moment when I thought I would fall back to ground zero in the same way I had done so a few months before.

We agreed it would be best to see each other prior to the event and this gave me the opportunity tell him everything I needed to say. He allowed me to share openly, to be vulnerable, and to seek clarity. I had finally got the answers that I so desperately needed, and I could see an opportunity to take back control. I could now, in this moment make a decision to continue feeling despair or accept that this moment had ended and this opportunity for closure would help me to move forward.

Although this interaction caused some pain, it also birthed the start of a positive change. For the first time in my life, I experienced closure. There was a moment, when it was all said and done, that I felt at ease. A weight was lifted off of my chest and I could breathe. I was still sad, and I’m still going to feel sad about this, but it’s no longer consuming me.

In her book, “The Gift”, Edith Eger writes:

“One of our first fears is of abandonment. Thus we learn early how to get the A’s: attention, affection, approval. We figure out what to do and whom to become to get our needs met. The problem is not that we do these things -it’s that we keep doing them. We think we must in order to be loved.

It’s very dangerous to put your whole life into someone else’s hands. You are the only one you’re going to have for a lifetime. All other relationships will end. So how can you be the best loving, unconditional, no-nonsense caregiver to yourself?”
The Gift. Edith Eger.

I learned a valuable lesson with this experience. We can hold on to people or moments and desire so strongly to keep them growing, but sometimes it’s by having the courage to accept closure that we can grow in new ways. I now know that in a difficult situation where I felt completely out of control, I could in fact control one thing- the ability to accept the situation was finished and to move forward. This has given me a new sense of empowerment and a strength that I didn’t realise was within me.

This is not to say we forget. I don’t think we will ever forget something so profound. But we can accept it started and finished and that’s okay. We can accept that this won’t continue, but we are glad it happened. We can accept that this opportunity happened for a reason and now that it’s happened, I’m a better person for it.

There is one incredibly important part to this story that must be included. The kindness and unconditional love from my friends. When you have intense feelings for someone and then they are suddenly gone, it leaves a huge void in your life that can be overwhelming to live with. I could not have survived this past 12 months if it wasn’t for the loved ones that continued to answer my calls, respond to text messages and continue to hug me when I didn’t feel like I could go on. I am so grateful to all of you.

The aim of this blog is to acknowledge the good that can come when we are courageous enough to accept closure- even if we really don’t want something to end. Sometimes it is with closure that we can experience moments that truly do move us forward. We can reflect on what we have gained, not just what we have lost. We can then, and only then, open ourselves up to new opportunities and experiences; and who knows, perhaps incredible new moments too.

This quote was shared with me on Instagram, and I think it’s a fitting finish to this blog:

Having the courage to accept closure takes time. It takes the right amount of time to prepare for this to happen, the right support network to help you through it, and the ability to move forward by taking one step at a time. You’ll know when you’re ready and until that moment happens, stay connected and courageous, and keep people informed with how you are feeling and what you need.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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What do people (therefore) think of you?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship” Brene Brown.

What if I told you that a single word that someone uses to describe you could therefore create a full story about who you are and what you are like?

With a simple adjective such as warm or cold, another person can then make assumptions about how friendly you are, how reliable you are and even if you are a kind and caring person.

This blog is about an interesting concept called Implicit Personality Theory and the way that this theory explains the anxiety that someone who is a Recovering Perfectionist can have… the fear of what others think of them.

Welcome to blog #22.

Of course it is human nature that we are talked about when we are not around. Friends of yours would be talking about you to other friends, work colleagues would be talking about you, and your family will certainly be talking about you. For most of us, we go about our daily lives and never really think about this. If anything, we contribute to this as well. Just today I have been talking about the important people in my life with my friends and it happened without me even realising. When we are talking about someone, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is also about the good things that people say about you when you are not around, and not just negative things.

But for a Recovering Perfectionist we are constantly worried the our decisions, behaviours and actions and how these will be observed by others. We then worry about how we will be perceived because of this. We second guess everything we do to make sure it will be positively received by others. We replay situations to consider if we did everything right and if we need to do something differently. For me, I am constantly replaying situations and apologising for things that often the other person hasn’t even noticed. Sometimes I even apologise to someone for taking up their time when we mutually agreed to have a catch-up, just because I don’t feel worthy of taking up someone else’s time.

So you can probably correctly guess my shock and wonder when I recently learnt about this concept called implicit personality theory and how a single word used to describe you could create a whole story about who you are and what you are like, based purely on assumptions.

So, let’s look at a definition:

Implicit personality theory describes the specific patterns and biases an individual uses when forming impressions based on a limited amount of initial information about an unfamiliar person.
Wikipedia

Implicit personality theory was introduced to me with a simple activity. Following a simple description of someone (just a couple of sentences), we were asked to then answer a list of questions about the person. The description was simply that a young guy was known to his friends as being warm . The questions then followed:
– is the boy friendly or unfriendly?
– is the boy organised or disorganised?
– is the boy popular or lonely?
… and the list goes on.

One piece of detail that I haven’t given you yet, is that another group of people completing this activity were given the exact same description and list of questions, but the boy was described as cold instead of warm.

The results of this activity were staggering. We know literally nothing about this person except for one little personality description and yet we instantly make a list of assumptions about who they are and what they are like as a person; all based on one, simple word description.

This theory has now got me thinking about the kind of person I am, what people ‘say’ about me and the assumptions that people make based on their limited knowledge. It’s a reminder about how reputations can be formed, assumptions can be made and how opportunities can be opened or closed depending on the way people perceive you to be.

To be fair, I think we have all had that situation happen when you finally meet someone after hearing something about them and then realise “you’re not the person I thought you were!” This is just one example of how we develop a story about someone based on limited knowledge and key words and then assume we know them.

The aim of this blog is the same as always, to raise awareness, open minds, start a conversation and help others to see the complex patterns and thinking traits of a Recovering Perfectionist in the hope of bringing us closer together.

This particular blog is to highlight the ease with which we can develop assumptions about others based on a limited knowledge about them. When we next hear someone is described with a simple word, take a moment to consider what story you just created about them. Perhaps with this knowledge we can try to catch ourselves when this happens and think about the concept of staying curious for longer. A single word to describe someone’s personality does not describe them as a person. One person’s assumption about another person does not always reflect who they are, and we need to remember that people react differently in different situations. Perhaps we should try to stay curious for as long as possible before jumping to conclusions and give people a chance to show us who they really are. What do you think?

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Please accept me.

“*Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending*.” *Brene Brown.*

It may come as no surprise to most of you, but acceptance is one of the biggest and most natural human desires one can have. This is tied to our emotions of belonging, worthiness and self-esteem. Unfortunately, when one of these emotions is triggered, it can very quickly unravel all of the good thoughts and feelings that have been developed over time, and for a recovering perfectionist, it can send us straight back to negative self-talk, a plummeting self-esteem and brings into question our worthiness. This is one of those situations when it feels like 1 step forwards and 2 steps back.

Welcome to blog #21.

I would have hoped by the time I was in my mid-thirties I would not need the acceptance of others to feel worthy and enough. I have worked incredibly hard to shift my life’s purpose away from needing approval from others, to being the person I want to be, and live a life that aligns to my values. However, this is not always made possible with the constant reminders from some important people in my life that I am some sort of a disappointment.

I know full well that my rational brain and my emotional brain are currently disconnected. I know that there are many people that are proud of me for my achievements and for the type of person I am. Majority of the time I can reflect on this and feel a huge sense of gratitude for those people and their contribution to my life. That’s my rational brain. My emotional brain however will very quickly snap into a reaction of hurt and shame at the slightest sign that someone feels a level of disappointment for who I am or what I am doing. Within a moment of them showing a sense of disappointment, my emotional brain will ignite and disregard all of the positive thinking of my rational brain. When this happens I suddenly question who I am, what I’m doing and why I can’t just be normal and therefore accepted.

Recently I’ve questioned why this can so easily happen to me. Why is it that I let these feelings consume me when I believe wholeheartedly in only listening to those that are willing to step ‘into the arena’ with me. Brene Brown- The Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt.

This concept of ‘The Arena’ is one that I try to live by. If you’re not willing to do what I do and put yourself in situations like mine, then I don’t need to hear your comments and criticism. Most of the time, this works. Brene would say ‘don’t listen to those in the cheap seats’ but sometimes those that are in the cheap seats are also VIP Members and their criticism can cut deeply.

But, here’s my learning. If you care about me and you want to support me to be the best person I can be, you’ll be either beside the arena asking ‘what do you need?’ or you’ll be in the arena with me saying ‘I’m here and let’s do this!’ …and if you’re not, then I’m sorry but I don’t care for your opinion.

As a recovering perfectionist we have spent too much time worrying about keeping others happy at the detriment of our own happiness and wellbeing. I know this is sometimes a life lesson that we have to keep having as it’s not easy to do, but I’m grateful for the reminder that I can choose. I have a choice to engage with and listen to the critics in the cheap seats or focus on those that are here in front of me; supporting me to be the best version of myself.

“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognise our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.”

Brene Brown, Rising Strong.

If you are feeling down because of those that are important to you making you feel less than your true self then please consider who is your support person, who cares about you, and focus on them.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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