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Be my witness.

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking you are worthy.” *Wayne Dyer.*

Have you ever thought about the reasons why we fall in love? Have you ever wondered what motivates you to be with someone? Have you considered the feeling that comes from within that pulls you closer to someone or pushes them away?

These are just some of the questions that have been repeating for me for some time now. I have found it hard to articulate what it is that compels me to be hopeful that love will happen for me once again and what it is that motivates me to keep trying. For me, this is about truly understanding my motivations and that sense that I am missing out on something by being single. I have not had the words to articulate this before. That was until I heard this clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004), and I realised in that moment, this is exactly the reason that I desire to be in love. This is my motivation. This is my reason.

Welcome to blog #28.

I have many well-intentioned friends that continue to advocate for the single life. Many friends that keep reminding me of the many benefits to being single and encouraging me to make the most of this time. I have heard many times that “the right person will come when you least expect it” and that it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when.

This concept of waiting is not my strength. I am impatient, a perfectionist and a bit of a drama-queen. What has only been a short time (factually), is beginning to feel like a lifetime (the drama). I have doubted myself numerous times and have spoken to my psychologist about my fear of being co-dependent as a motivator for seeking a partner; to which she clearly reminds me that is not the case. She validates my feelings but reminds me of my strong sense of independence and my desire for a partner is not about need but a desire. But for some time now I have not been able to explain why.

However, recently I heard a short clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004). During this beautiful exchange between Susan Sarandon and Richard Jenkins, Susan describes why marriage is so important. She says:

“Because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All of the time, every day. You’re saying, your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”
Shall We Dance (2004)

The clip paused and I was breathless. This was the wording that I had been searching for. This was the reason why finding a partner was such a strong motivator for me. For me, I feel like I am navigating life on my own. I am experiencing the highs and lows, the achievements and failures and all of the everyday moments that would be just that little bit more special if I had someone to share them with. It almost feels like my life is a waste because I sometimes ask myself ‘why does it matter?’ When we feel like something we are doing goes unnoticed we can feel underappreciated, and this can lead to a sense of worthlessness. I now know that my hope is to have a witness to my life. Someone to see me and to be part of the journey.

This is certainly something I have had to sit with. The way I have moved forward is by reminding myself of my values and the importance of living for what I value as important.

I know that one of my key values is to help others to be the best they can be. I know that if I focus on this I will at the same time feel a sense of success and fulfilment. So, why does it matter? My life matters because it’s providing an opportunity to lift someone else higher than they thought they could be, and this is important.

Yes, finding someone to be the witness to my life would be wonderful, but I am happy to wait for the best witness there is and remember that my self-worth is more important than having just someone who is not there for the right reasons.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Behind the smile

*“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.*” Brene Brown. Daring Greatly.

Recently I was told “your smile hides a thousand stories.”

This comment made me hold my breath. I felt seen. I also felt vulnerable, and I felt sadness. It was as if the heavy armour that I carry around with me, the one that protects me from the truth and displays a happy, strong individual to the world, had somehow cracked and someone got a glimpse of what was really going on beneath it. I felt sadness that this person could see through my armour and I felt sadness for the past. A past that has shaped the person I am now, but also a past that has left me feeling damaged, hurt and at times, unworthy.

Welcome to blog #25

Looking back, I would say I was an incredible actor. I now realise I was constantly shape-shifting to be whatever the person in front of me needed. My goal was to look perfect and do everything perfectly so that no one would notice me. I would say and do whatever I needed to do to belong and to blend in. I vividly remember a time in my early 20’s when I started to wonder who am I? That might sound like a ridiculous question to ask, but I honestly felt like I didn’t know who I was. I had become so used to being whatever anyone else wanted, that I somehow had lost myself.

Perfectionism started early. It started as an armour to hide myself from the shame, blame and criticism of being gay. If I acted perfectly, no one would need to question or notice me. I could remain hidden and safe.

I now have the language to articulate the feelings that I couldn’t describe when I was younger. I now can see that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Anxiety refers to the anticipation of a future concern and is associated with muscle tension and avoidance behaviour.

I was experiencing excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations that to most of us, we do without thinking. The way I walked, the way I talked, the way I ate something… every behaviour was mimicked by those around me to try and fit in without standing out.

Somewhere along the line my perfectionistic manner shifted to not only be about blending in, but also about connection and belonging. Until I started to live into my values, I was living for whatever everyone else wanted me to be so that they would want to spend time with me.

Loneliness is something that can scare many of us. It is human nature to seek a connection and to feel a sense of belonging. For me, loneliness has taken various forms. Initially, it was the fear of loneliness for not being accepted for who I am by friends and family. It then become the fear of being lonely as I got older without a family of my own.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene writes:

“…the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown.

For most of my life, I have experienced psychological isolation. For majority of this time, it was a consequence of perfectionism and holding everyone that was important to me at an arm’s length to ensure I kept my anonymity. I did this by not being authentic. By playing the part everyone wanted me to play and therefore not developing the authentic connection that brings us closer together. In doing so, I created my own psychological isolation.

The turning point for me came when I realised the power of vulnerability. To step into the arena without my armour and show-up to live into my values. To not listen to the critics that have purchased the cheap seats and to focus on those that add value to my life and not take from it. It was at this point that I started to feel true human connection and the importance of being authentic in order to truly connect with someone.

If there is some good to come from the challenges that I have faced, it would be this:

“Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark. The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

I have so much gratitude for those that I now have a true connection with and I think I value this so highly after experiencing some of the dark moments in my past.

This blog has reminded me of the difference between belonging and fitting in. So much of my life has been about trying to fit in so that I didn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. But when you look at the definitions Brene gives us in Daring Greatly, you can see the shame and pain that comes from not being our authentic selves.

She writes:

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

So yes, behind the smile are a thousand stories.

The smile hides my crippling anxiety, the constant narrative that I am not worthy or loveable, my recovering perfectionist traits, and various levels of depression that I am haunted by almost every minute of every day.

But please know, often my smile is genuine. There are many aspects of my life that now bring me joy. The challenge I now face is stopping myself when I see parts of my perfectionism creeping back to the surface and asking myself why that is happening? Am I showing up authentically? Is this person in the arena with me? Am I trying to fit in or find a place of belonging?

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. One of the most influential books I have ever read.

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Embarrassment is part of success.

*Success: (noun) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose*

Once upon a time you would never have seen me wearing a pink jumper! You would never have seen me shopping in the ‘female’ section in a clothing store and you most certainly wouldn’t have heard me telling the truth to a shop keeper when I ask them for a larger size of a pink ladies jumper so that I can wear it. However, the weekend before Mother’s Day that’s exactly what happened. I was determined to have a bright pink jumper for an important walk I do each year with my Mum for Mother’s Day and I honestly didn’t care what people thought about it. But how did I get to that point? What’s changed?

Welcome to blog #14.

What others think of us can be incredibly debilitating. To a recovering perfectionist; the way others think of us is often the decider for our actions and decisions. We want to please others but even more so, we want approval. Those of us that are constantly challenged by perception are always second guessing our choices. What we wear, the way we speak, the decisions we make, what we eat, drink, do… always wondering what other people will think of our choices. If this sounds like you, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be to do the most simple of tasks. The good news is that help is out there and you can learn to have a greater level of control over this, however; it’s a constant battle and something I am still grappling with. I have good days but also many challenging days and sometimes I just have to ride the wave of anxiety until it passes.

A prime is example is going to a bar. For years I have been worried about the drink I will order when I’m at a bar. I’m not a beer drinker but it is socially acceptable for a guy to order a beer at a bar. Personally, I’d prefer a nice white wine but every time I would order one in public, I would feel judged and humiliated by the bar staff, anyone that was listening and sometimes even by the people I am with. But here is a very important lesson… if you feel judged or humiliated by the choices you make by the people you are actually with… they are not the people you should be with.

One thing I have learned from this pain is the importance of communication. For goodness sake just speak. If you are worried about something or if you are second guessing a conversation you’ve had; a reaction from someone you are worried about, just say something. The worst thing that someone can do is play the event over and over in their head. This is torture and honestly, it’s self-sabotage. The event becomes bigger than it actually was, the events seem worse than they actually are and we begin to tell ourselves that this is all our own fault and we will never get past it. Before it gets to this point, be brave, be vulnerable and say “this is the story I’m telling myself…. is that true?”

So how does communication help with the pink jumper scenario? Well for one thing, I talked about what I was doing. You might consider this ‘testing the situation’ with others. I told the people close to me that I was intending to buy a bright pink jumper to wear on Mother’s Day and closely watched their reaction. When it was positive, I felt a sense of calm. I then reflected on this and thought to myself ‘who am I actually doing this for? Am I doing it for other people, or for my Mum and I?’ I think that’s when I realised I didn’t care anymore. I felt brave enough to speak up at the clothing store and be true to myself about what I needed and why and nothing bad came from this.

What this blog really comes down to is our values. If we really care about other people and making a moment special for them, we won’t let the perception of others interfere with it. We will rise above the negativity and stupidity because we know our purpose is true and authentic.

If you don’t follow Mark Manson on Instagram, I would strongly encourage you to consider it. The frequency of his messages has increased and he often posts little ‘words of wisdom’ from his blogs and books.

This friendly reminder is really helpful to support what we have talked about here. We (everybody) worries that our failures and problems are unique to us. If only we weren’t so scared to talk about them then we would see that we all have the same fears of failure and it’s normal to worry, stress and feel uneasy. To overcome this, we need to decide if we are worried about this because of the short-term embarrassment and whether or not we are willing to be vulnerable enough to work through it for the greater good that awaits. The key message? Don’t dwell on your worries, say them aloud to be brave enough to move past the fear.

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

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Happiness: more than a feeling

*Happiness: in the deepest sense is not a feeling state or a succession of pleasures, but a deep sense of well-being and an appreciation for life itself, with all of the mystery and changes.*

“Happiness comes to those that wait” is a phrase that I could not stand. This notion of not being in control and the need to ‘wait your turn’ for something good to happen has always seemed absurd to me. It is also through all of my reading and personal discovery that I’ve also learned that true happiness can only be achieved through the alignment of living into your values. It is when this occurs that we can feel a true sense of happiness and not just a short lived experience that we can get from material objects and experiences. But for me I had forgotten what true happiness felt like until the beginning of this year when I started in a new position at work doing what I feel I was born to do and with that strong alignment to my core values, I have felt immense happiness and contentment. This blog is to inspire you to find your happiness.

Welcome to blog #12.

The past few weeks have been a polar opposite to the weeks prior. I was feeling lost, depressed, anxious and without purpose. My identity was shaken. I felt weak and vulnerable and fairly close to hitting rock bottom with my emotions. I had been fighting to escape an experience I didn’t want to go back to and felt worthless at the constant knock backs and barriers I was challenged by. This may sound like a dramatic retelling of events, and it wouldn’t be the first time I was accused of telling a story with dramatic embellishments, but this was a time of great stress and pain as I felt lost and disconnected.

It was through the work of Brene Brown and her book Rising Strong, as well as from watching Dr Russ Harris with his YouTube video about the human brain and how we naturally create psychological suffering with thanks to our biology, that I started to see things differently. It is through this education and new understanding that I’ve learned to process my thoughts and feelings and look for ways to improve. Dr Russ Harris gave me the information to understand the complex history and evolution of our brains which explained why it was so difficult to stop myself from worrying. Brene Brown has given me the hope from her book Rising Strong to see the challenges I face as opportunities. This was apparent from the first page when she writes:

‘To the brave and brokenhearted who have taught us how to rise after a fall. Your courage is contagious.’

It is that second line that resonated with me the most: ‘Your courage is contagious’ and it really was. It is from Brene’s research and stories that I’ve learned I too can be courageous and that has helped me in both a personal and professional life. The courage of the research participants to share how they were vulnerable and brave and share their stories has given me the hope to find a better way to be and enact this courage as part of my work.

A few things have really come to the forefront for me in the past few months. One is about the courage to admit when things are not working and to seek a solution or to find an alternative- this is not a weakness, it’s having true strength. Another is around aligning what you do to your values so that you can have a sense of fulfilment and joy; and finally the last is about good leadership.

Simon Sinek shared this message in one of his YouTube videos about leadership:

‘good leaders make you feel safe’

Safe… at first this seemed like an interesting choice of words. When I think of the qualities of a leader, safe wouldn’t necessarily be at the top of the list. But when you think about it, that’s exactly what a good leader should do. With a sense of safety comes the courage to be creative, take risks and strive for success without fear of failure or judgment. I feel blessed to have had some amazing leaders in my life that have supported me, encouraged me and made me feel safe and these are the qualities I try to live as a leader of my own team.

If nothing else, I feel privileged to be reminded of the feeling of true happiness once again and I am hopeful that everyone who is lost, sad or worried can once again find a way to live into their values and find what they need to become truly happy. Sometimes the first step is to acknowledge you deserve better than you’ve currently got.

Some of you might be wondering ‘where do I start?’ and my answer would be to ask yourself what truly drives you? What makes you want to get up in the morning? With that realisation you can then begin to align yourself to your values and feel that sense of purpose that makes it all worth while.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on the subscribe link to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by Rising Strong by Brene Brown and The Happiness Trap: Evolution of the Human Mind by Dr Russ Harris (YouTube).

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Time to Rumble

Rumble: (verb) to move or travel with such a sound.

To read Brene Brown’s books is one thing, but to put her principles and concepts into action; well, that’s another thing altogether. To rumble with something may sound peculiar to those that are not familiar with Brene’s work and it doesn’t mean some sort of football thing like running and trying to grab a ball… and it doesn’t mean to hurt someone else… it means to stick with the tricky, stay curious even when it’s challenging and push ideas back and forth until you can come to a shared understanding.

“Dare to Lead: The Call to Courage” is a two day workshop that invites you to do just that, to rumble with new learning, to be vulnerable and experience discomfort, to define and articulate your values, to learn how to trust and to uncover the skills to rise above challenge. Yes, that’s a right, a lot to rumble with!

Welcome to blog #11.

If you are worried this post is going to be a recount of the two day professional learning workshop I have just completed, don’t worry, it’s not. Instead I want to focus on a couple of the ideas that I’ve had to rumble with to better understand myself and what that means to be a courageous leader. I think one of the first learnings for me is that leadership qualities are not reserved for those that have a title. They are dispositions, ways of living and being that emulate from a person who is courages, grounded, brave and true to their values. I was reminded of the ‘sphere of influence’ many times across this workshop and regardless of how many people you directly influence, you have the potential for someone else to see how authentic and great you are.

Early in my career, I couldn’t comprehend the notion that ‘leadership is not just a title.’ But what I’ve come to learn and what was reiterated through this workshop is that it is the person that has leadership qualities and those leadership qualities can be enacted and displayed at any position.

When you think about it, good leadership is:

someone you can trust
someone who is authentic and true to themselves
someone who is vulnerable and can admit when they are wrong
someone who encourages you to be the best you can be
someone who supports you

…aren’t they just qualities of a good person?

I guess my point here is not to over simplify the role of a leader as I know it is more complex than that… but at it’s heart, daring leaders are not just people who have a leadership title, they are people who have leadership qualities and that can be all of us.

Another concept that was explored was that of the SFD… also known as the ‘shitty first draft.’ I’ve spoken about this before in previous blogs, the story you tell yourself when you hear or see something. This is the inner-monologue that begins to try and explain what is happening or fill the gaps when information is missing. The reason I bring this up again is because it was further explored in this workshop and I’ve now learned more about how this can impact on us.

We were asked to think of a challenging time and write down the SFD. What was the inner story you were telling yourself no matter how ridiculous it may seem now? Then we were asked to go back and read it. What does this tell you about yourself?

What I learned from doing this is that my SFD is on constant repeat, no matter what the situation is. My default is the same: not good enough, should have done better, no one will like you. I was able to write down my SFD in minutes because it’s so familiar to me. When I read it back, I got really emotional. I tell myself the same story no matter how far from the truth it might be and without any hesitation. The power of knowing your SFD is knowing that when it’s happening that there is more to the story and this is just your mind trying to fill in the gaps with the story it knows. When you have this knowledge, you have the power to change the narrative. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have for this? What did that person actually do or say? Am I making an assumption based on little to no facts?

To be a leader we are going to be faced with challenge, that’s part of the job. We know that this requires courage to be vulnerable and say ‘hey, I’m here and I’m trying’ and there will be those that will try to bring you down. To be honest, does leadership have anything to do with this? Isn’t this the same for everyone? I’ve learned so much this year through my personal journey and from reading the many books Brene Brown has published, but one thing I’m proud of is that I’m now courageous enough to lean into my values, stay curious when challenged and rumble with my SFD when I’m not feeling my best until I can be sure of the facts.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown.

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From Good to Great… Really?!

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress: Working hard for something we love is called passion.”
― **Simon Sinek**

Some people expect life to move from being good to great. Some people think that if ‘this’ happened (insert unrealistic goal here), then everything will be better and they will feel happy. This is why so many of us feel terrible when things don’t go the way we expected. We build up unrealistic expectations, set unreachable goals and then feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment and shame when we can’t reach them. Even worse is when we think we should be happy because we have reached our goals but we aren’t. The result; a staggering number of unhappy people.

Throughout that first paragraph, I kept referring to ‘some people’ but let’s be honest, this is really a paragraph about me. I’ve expected that my life would go from good to great because I deserve it. I work hard; I try my best; I push the limits and I’ve earned success. Right? Well, not really. Because life doesn’t go like that. So does that mean we should give up and stop trying? No way! But what it does mean is that we need to set ourselves realistic goals and expectations that are based on effort and not outcome and to remember that life isn’t a continuum from good to great, but more like a series of curves with ups and downs.

Welcome to blog post #5.

Mark Manson is one of the first authors that shifted my perspective. It was “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” that helped me understand so many of the emotional responses I had to situations and the feeling of depression and despair after something didn’t go as I expected.

For a perfectionist; it is difficult to try things that we know we aren’t going to be good at. If it doesn’t go as planned or work in the way we think it should, then we feel an overwhelming sense of shame. One of the quotes from the book that resonated with me was:

“We can be truly successful only at something we’re willing to fail at.”

This quote reminded me that if we want to grow, then we have to challenge ourselves and with this unknown comes the risk of failure. But for us to be truly successful and grow, we have to go beyond the comfortable.

A second huge learning from the book is the understanding of values. I didn’t understand this at first until I was able to make the personal connection to this. Manson can be quoted to say:

“Our values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone else”.

When we finish work or go home at the end of the day and think about whether that was a ‘good day’ or a ‘bad day’, what are you using to measure this? What metrics are you using to compare one day to another. What do you look for to know if you can feel a sense of achievement and pride for the day you have just had?

To better understand this, Manson explains the two different types of value sets that people can have. They are:

1. Values centred around: pleasure, material success, always being right, staying positive;

or…

2. Values that are: reality-based, socially constructive and immediate and controllable.

For many of us, we set goals that are focused to the first set of values. These might be things like:

buying a new car
getting the better job
going on a holiday

…but what happens when you have achieved this? Sure, it might feel good for a short time, but then what happens? You feel sad? You’ve worked hard to achieve these goals and then… nothing. It’s happened. It’s done. And now you are left wondering what to do next. This is a pattern of goal setting I’ve found myself trapped in. A cycle of goals based on pleasurable or material success and although this drives you to be the best you can be to achieve the goals, it has a devastating disadvantage when you: a) can’t achieve it or b) do achieve it and then don’t have anything else left.

The second set of values are based around the way you see yourself (and others), as a person and the way you want others to see you as well. If at the end of the day you can reflect and think “yeah, I did (insert profoundly important goal here)” then you will feel a sense of success towards your day regardless of the challenges that stood between you and the things you desire.

Here are some examples of the values that could be important to you:

honesty, innovation, vulnerability, self-respect, curiosity, creativity…

But for me, the value of ‘helping others’ is the most powerful. After reading this chapter I realised that if I’m going home at the end of the day and measuring my success against scale scores and test results or work related targets, then I can often feel disappointed or like I should have done more. What is even more important to me is the notion of supporting others to be the best they can be. With this realisation, I then started to change what I prioritised on a daily basis. I now make sure I give myself opportunities to practise my values. I look for opportunities to speak to others and see that they are able to achieve their own goals and support those that need it. This blog is an example of that. By writing these words and by discussing these concepts, I hope to help others that are trying to understand the complexity that is the human brain and associated emotions.

This notion of a values based metric is supported by another influencing author: Simon Sinek who in his book ‘Start With Why’ says:

“There are only two ways to influence human behaviour: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.”

When you think about it, your values are the ‘why’ to your what. The why is shown through the what that you do and the decisions you make. It drives your decision making and shows people who you are.

So, start with why. Can you articulate your most important value? Is this what you are using to measure a successful day?

This blog was inspired by the book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson and Start with Why by Simon Sinek.

Thank you for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert the next time a blog is posted.

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Turning the Light On Guilt and Shame

“Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren’t a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” Cheryl Strayed

Turning thirty, for me, was a shameful experience thanks to societal expectations. Leading up to my 30th, I had told myself that I was not doing as well as I should be for this stage of my life. Society has told us that by the time you are thirty you ‘should’ be married, have children and be financially secure. I know that times are changing and this isn’t necessarily the ‘norm’ anymore, but I felt like a failure moving into my thirties because of it. It was for this reason that I had great anxiety going to my own 30th birthday party because I didn’t feel worthy of the time people were giving me by attending. This is just one little example of how a feeling of shame can be crippling and socially isolating and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has let societal expectations creep into our thoughts and make us feel a sense of shame.

Have you ever considered the difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’… do you consider them to be different? If you are like me then you might be using these terms interchangeably but they are actually very different and can have a significant impact on the way we see ourselves.

How many times have you felt a sensation of guilt? Eating something you know you shouldn’t have… ignoring someone… telling a lie… walking the long way around so you don’t ‘bump’ into someone… these are all actions that might cause a guilt type response.

Guilt is not a bad thing. Guilt keeps us in check. I’m currently reading “I Thought It Was Just Me- But It Isn’t” by Brene Brown and she explains that:

‘Guilt is holding an action or behaviour up against our values and beliefs.’

Guilt is therefore an emotion that helps us understand that our thoughts or actions are not aligned to our values and beliefs. Guilt is an emotion that encourages us to re-think our choices and consider a better alternative.

The problem I have had is when I let ‘guilt’ turn into ‘shame’… and that can be really hard to come back from.

Welcome to blog #4.

Isn’t it funny how incredibly helpful hindsight can be? I’ve spent years trying to understand how the decisions that I’ve made in the past have got me to the point that I am now and yet with reading 12 simple words in the middle of a paragraph in a book by Brene Brown, I have the answer I’ve been searching for… shame.

‘Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.’

Shame is a devastating emotion that isolates us from our friends, family and our communities. When we become this disconnected from others, it can lead to a nasty path of ‘negative self-talk’ and for many of us, depression.

The difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ is when we take a moment or thing that has happened and express it with regards to ourselves.

If I feel ‘guilty’ about eating chocolate most nights of the week because I’m stressed about study and work, then I might think or say something like: “I’m not being as healthy as I should be lately, I need to make better choices”… but this can quickly turn to ‘shame’ when we say or think something like: “I’m an idiot for eating like this.”

The damage comes when we turn a situation or event into a personal attack. The change can happen quickly and without us even noticing. We subtly start dropping the “I’m” into our thoughts and without us evening noticing it, we feel a sense of shame about our choices. The worst thing about starting a pattern of shame thinking is the fact shameful behaviour perpetuates itself. If you say things like I’m an idiot, liar, failure… then you will start to believe it. This story you’re telling yourself becomes your new narrative. Apparently this is just ‘who you are’ and if you don’t see anyone and speak to anyone because of the shame you are feeling, then who will tell you any different. Brene Brown has developed this definition:

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.’

I have felt a lot of shame. For me, having a perfectionist type attitude often results in a feeling of shame. Although, this is something I’m working on! Whenever something doesn’t ‘go’ as expected or as I would like it to go, I immediately believe it’s my own fault and that I’m the one that is stupid or to blame. This often results in a feeling of unworthiness and isolation. I would choose to not spend time with friends or family because I felt like I was wasting their time, being a burden on them or believed they felt obliged to spend time with me. I couldn’t accept that people might ‘like’ the idea of spending time with me. To me, I was not being fair to others by suggesting a catch-up.

So, how can we overcome shame? Brene Brown has an idea:

“Comfort comes from recognising that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.”

From my limited understanding on this (I’m not an expert but I’m trying to work this out), it seems as though we have to let others in to overcome this nauseating shame feeling. We have to be vulnerable with those around us and say “I’m feeling guilty about this, can I talk to you…” and for the privileged person who is listening to say “you know what, I don’t think you’re the only one… it’s going to be ok”

Validation of our guilt, creating a sense of normality and a true friend to enable us the chance to ‘get-it-off-our-chest’ so to speak, are the ingredients to help put us on the right path to overcoming shame.

So, let’s become shame shifters. Let’s listen for the negative self-talk and redirect it. If you hear someone say “I’m….(insert negative comment here)”… stop them and say “you’re not (this negative comment), but it sounds like you are feeling guilty about a mistake you made”… Let’s be vulnerable and articulate the problems we see/ feel or hear. Let’s focus on the mistake and not the negative-self talk. We don’t accept this anymore. Let’s stop this shameful (the personal attack) and accept the guilt we feel for our mistakes. We need to learn from them and trust the people around us to show empathy when we are vulnerable.

Shame is not something we can overcome on our own. We need people around us to help turn on the light to this dark and worrying feeling of shame; so then we can see a clear path out of it.

This blog post was inspired by the book: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). By Brene Brown. https://www.penguin.com.au/books/i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt

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Do You Know What You Are Living For?

*“You also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world” Oprah Winfrey.*

– Me, completing a Faber Writing Academy course and realising I want to be a writer, one day –

Mark Manson is a genius… his book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F*ck’ changed the trajectory of my life. You see it was Mark Manson that made me consider what I use to measure success and subsequent happiness. What is it that makes us consider a day to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and what drives the decisions we make. The answer… our values.

Welcome to blog number 3.

For the most part, I was living my life for perception. I wanted to prove myself to the world and show them that against all odds, I can do great things. I was pushing myself to be great based on status, job title, income, fashion items… things that stereotypically say “hey, I’m doing alright, don’t you think?”…. but in doing so I was neglecting to think about one really important thing- my happiness. When we are caught up living life in a particular way (for perception and for others), it’s easy to lose sight of what it is that we actually see as important and we forget to live our lives for ourselves.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. If it wasn’t for this pressure to appear perfect, I wouldn’t have achieved some of the incredible things I have achieved. These goals pushed me to learn the skills that have since supported me to overcome huge challenges and push myself to achieve some amazing things… but at what cost?

After listening to the Podcast: The Meaning of Life is a Ham Sandwich by Mark Manson, I finally found some clarity to the question “why am I not happy?” The answer… measuring a good day on the wrong thing.

Just one of the many great blogs by Mark Manson.

Before we get to the values part, Mark Manson spends a huge amount of time referring to ‘meaning’ in this article. He says: “Meaning is like the water of our psychological health. Without it, our hearts and minds will shrivel and die.” We all want to think that our lives have meaning and that we are important. If our lives are not meaningful, then what are we living for? I think some of us are really good at accepting this and we do/ or find things that quantify as meaningful. This could be owning a pet, having an important job, being a loving partner… but then sometimes we search for ‘meaning’ in all the wrong places- our goals.

Sometimes we search for meaning through the less-meaningful goals that we set for ourselves. If we win that prize, get that mark on an assignment, earn that much money, buy that new thing; then we will feel an overwhelming sense of achievement and our lives will feel more meaningful. But here is the kicker, once you have achieved these goals “the meaning they provided when you’re working towards them is the meaning that is taken away once you achieve them” (Manson, 2017, p.5), and you are left wondering once again ‘what am I living for?’

The moral of this story is not to stop setting yourself goals… far from it. Goals are great as motivators and to push us towards success. We still need to set ourselves goals. But if we measure a day to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on how close we are to achieving these goals, then we are going to be disappointed more times than not. Instead of measuring our happiness on goals, measure them on what you value.

After reflecting on this a few months back, I started to change the way I decided if a day was ‘good’ or not. I have stopped measuring my day on the data from academic test results or the amount of money I have or the number of people that said something nice to me. I have thought long and hard about what I truly value and eventually I realised, it’s how well I have supported others and if through my interaction with someone, they feel valued and important. I also value hard work, life-long learning and persistence. These are the values that helped drive me to start this blog. I use them now to decide if I should or shouldn’t do something. I have a hope that my reflective thinking and personal discoveries will one day help someone else and by publishing this blog, I will reach the people that need it the most.

If I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I’ve helped someone overcome a challenge or work through something that was troubling them, then I have had a good day. If I can reflect on the day and feel like I’ve worked really hard and tried my best, then I’ve had a good day. If I discover something new and push myself to continue learning, then I’ve had a good day- regardless of the other stuff. The other stuff might seem important but it doesn’t mean as much in the long run. Your character and the way others see you is what is going to truly matter, and the way you see yourself.

This revelation changed everything for me. I went from a person who could only feel happy if I achieved great success and external praise because of the goals I had set myself, to a person that can now feel proud of myself if I stay true to my values and make decisions based on them. I think it’s fair to say that I have more ‘good’ days now because of it.

So, what matters to you? What do you really value? How will you measure a day as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and what makes you feel better as a person? You deserve to be happy, so don’t be too hard on yourself and use your values to measure it.

Here is a link to the Podcast/ Blog post by Mark Manson that inspired this post: https://markmanson.net/the-meaning-of-life