Featured

To hold space for curiosity

*Curiosity: the strong desire to learn, explore and understand.*

I want to say that the older I get, the more fixed minded I seem to be becoming… but to be fair, I feel like I’ve always been that way. When I was younger, I thought I had a special ability to know things and to be right, most of the time. The interesting thing about this mindset is that instead of opening doors and opportunities, it limits thinking and experiences – the opposite of what we wish for in life. A rich, full life is full of varied experiences and a range of opportunities which can come when you are more open to things and willing to learn.

For the past few years, I’ve been reciting the works of Brene Brown and attempting to hold curious for longer and be more open to new ideas, thoughts and experiences. But it wasn’t until I read her latest book, Strong Ground, that I realised the role of paradoxical thinking that can force you to be more closed and less curious if we allow it.

Welcome to blog #29.

Although a lot of the work I read and listen to is about leadership, the skills are transferrable across all aspects of your life. Developing skills and strategies to listen well and respond with empathy and kindness will work equally as well for you at work as it will at home with you friends, family and loved ones. The more time I spend in this space, the more I realise that leadership is a disposition. It’s a way of being. That way of being and those skills and strategies that you learn and use, are within you all the time, not just in the workplace, and they can serve you well in all situations.

When we are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, busy… we make quick decisions. We do this by relying on what we know to be true, our previous experiences and we live within the moment of quick reactions and responses because “I don’t have time for this.” Does that sound familiar?

In Strong Ground, Brene gives an example of paradox thinking. She explains that she has resisted the idea of using 30-minute blocks of time to schedule herself at work to avoid feelings of despair – knowing each day is planned within 30 minutes blocks on repeat and losing ownership of her time. The opposite tension to this is wanting more time for herself to do the things that she wants to be doing and those that bring her joy. By holding strong to the ideals of “flexibility and freedom are the most important” the opportunity to consider the extra time being made available by having greater structure and limited blocks of time is lost. Holding the space a fraction longer to consider possibilities without jumping to our test-and-tried thinking allows possibilities which may improve our situation.

“The gift of the paradox is that if we hang in there and tolerate the tension- grounding down and holding both ideas- a new and deeper level of understanding is born.”

Holding the space to remain curious for longer instead of jumping to conclusions is the learning here. It’s the ability to have the metacognition to know that you are jumping to conclusions without consideration and to know that curiosity is needed, further consideration and conversation before a decision is made.

If we unpack the deeply held beliefs that we believe are steering us in the right direction, often it is the fear of uncertainty and the fear of vulnerability that is underlying this. To be courageous and to lead with authenticity (or to show up in any situation with authenticity) is to be comfortable with vulnerability. For me, I try to practise this by saying “hmm, can I have a minute to think about that?” or “my first thought is this… but can I have some time to think about it?” These sentence stems are my tools for practising curiosity and my attempt to acknowledge and show space for another point of view.

Although vulnerability is defined as “the emotion we experience when we feel uncertain, at risk, and emotionally exposed” it doesn’t at all mean we are showing weakness. If we are standing on strong ground, confident that we are showing up as authentic and able to rumble with discomfort with genuine curiosity and a willingness to be open about our thinking and decisions, then we are leading.

Grounded confidence is not about knowing everything there is to know about the job, but rather to have a solid foundation of self-awareness, courage and practice. It’s about accepting and embracing learning and unlearning, practicing and failing, and having the disposition to see yourself as a learner that is part of the team.

I may not be perfect at holding space to be curious, especially when I’m stressed or feeling challenged, but I want to get better at it, both professionally and personally.

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

Behind the smile

*“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.*” Brene Brown. Daring Greatly.

Recently I was told “your smile hides a thousand stories.”

This comment made me hold my breath. I felt seen. I also felt vulnerable, and I felt sadness. It was as if the heavy armour that I carry around with me, the one that protects me from the truth and displays a happy, strong individual to the world, had somehow cracked and someone got a glimpse of what was really going on beneath it. I felt sadness that this person could see through my armour and I felt sadness for the past. A past that has shaped the person I am now, but also a past that has left me feeling damaged, hurt and at times, unworthy.

Welcome to blog #25

Looking back, I would say I was an incredible actor. I now realise I was constantly shape-shifting to be whatever the person in front of me needed. My goal was to look perfect and do everything perfectly so that no one would notice me. I would say and do whatever I needed to do to belong and to blend in. I vividly remember a time in my early 20’s when I started to wonder who am I? That might sound like a ridiculous question to ask, but I honestly felt like I didn’t know who I was. I had become so used to being whatever anyone else wanted, that I somehow had lost myself.

Perfectionism started early. It started as an armour to hide myself from the shame, blame and criticism of being gay. If I acted perfectly, no one would need to question or notice me. I could remain hidden and safe.

I now have the language to articulate the feelings that I couldn’t describe when I was younger. I now can see that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Anxiety refers to the anticipation of a future concern and is associated with muscle tension and avoidance behaviour.

I was experiencing excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations that to most of us, we do without thinking. The way I walked, the way I talked, the way I ate something… every behaviour was mimicked by those around me to try and fit in without standing out.

Somewhere along the line my perfectionistic manner shifted to not only be about blending in, but also about connection and belonging. Until I started to live into my values, I was living for whatever everyone else wanted me to be so that they would want to spend time with me.

Loneliness is something that can scare many of us. It is human nature to seek a connection and to feel a sense of belonging. For me, loneliness has taken various forms. Initially, it was the fear of loneliness for not being accepted for who I am by friends and family. It then become the fear of being lonely as I got older without a family of my own.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene writes:

“…the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown.

For most of my life, I have experienced psychological isolation. For majority of this time, it was a consequence of perfectionism and holding everyone that was important to me at an arm’s length to ensure I kept my anonymity. I did this by not being authentic. By playing the part everyone wanted me to play and therefore not developing the authentic connection that brings us closer together. In doing so, I created my own psychological isolation.

The turning point for me came when I realised the power of vulnerability. To step into the arena without my armour and show-up to live into my values. To not listen to the critics that have purchased the cheap seats and to focus on those that add value to my life and not take from it. It was at this point that I started to feel true human connection and the importance of being authentic in order to truly connect with someone.

If there is some good to come from the challenges that I have faced, it would be this:

“Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark. The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

I have so much gratitude for those that I now have a true connection with and I think I value this so highly after experiencing some of the dark moments in my past.

This blog has reminded me of the difference between belonging and fitting in. So much of my life has been about trying to fit in so that I didn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. But when you look at the definitions Brene gives us in Daring Greatly, you can see the shame and pain that comes from not being our authentic selves.

She writes:

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

So yes, behind the smile are a thousand stories.

The smile hides my crippling anxiety, the constant narrative that I am not worthy or loveable, my recovering perfectionist traits, and various levels of depression that I am haunted by almost every minute of every day.

But please know, often my smile is genuine. There are many aspects of my life that now bring me joy. The challenge I now face is stopping myself when I see parts of my perfectionism creeping back to the surface and asking myself why that is happening? Am I showing up authentically? Is this person in the arena with me? Am I trying to fit in or find a place of belonging?

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. One of the most influential books I have ever read.

Featured

Unlovable- the story I tell myself.

*“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean we are unlovable. Brene Brown.*

It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how many heartbreak songs there are in the world. Songs that I have really enjoyed listening to and songs that I would have considered as ‘fun’ and ‘upbeat’ up until recently when I realised that the lyrics are actually often really sad. However, this does make me think that perhaps I’m not alone with some of the feelings I have and that I’m certainly not the only person to experience them. This is what happens in life, right? People come and go and sometimes it’s easier to move on than other times.

But what happens when the big emotions become a story. When the story that you start telling yourself is that you are not worthy or not good enough. The story that you are a burden to those around you and the pity they take on you is taxing for them. The story that you are just… unlovable.

Welcome to blog #23.

The thing about stories is that they are often made up. A fictional tale that we have concocted to try and make sense of the world and the way we are feeling about it. As a recovering perfectionist, we immediately jump to something being wrong with us. It must have obviously been our fault and if we were better, then this would never have happened.

My very best friend reminded me to look at a page from The Gift by Edith Eger recently. Here is a little section from this book:

“Ultimately, guilt and shame don’t come from the outside. They come from the inside. Many of my patients seek out therapy when they’re going through a painful divorce or breakup. They’re grieving the death of a relationship, and the disappearance of all the hopes, dreams, and expectation it represented. But usually they don’t talk about the grief- they talk about the feeling of rejection.” p.84.
The Gift by Edith Eger.

The feeling of rejection can quickly lead to a feeling of being unlovable. It slides past the feeling of being lonely, to not being good enough, and ends up at the final destination of unlovable- and in doing so, deteriorates any positive sense of self you might have had along the way.

On the next page of the book by Eger writes a sentence that is equally as powerful as the paragraph I just shared:

“And most of all, we choose how to talk to ourselves”
The Gift by Edit Eger.

My biggest learning in recent times is that the story I tell myself is damaging and these thoughts will influence how you feel. They might start out as being isolated fictional pieces to express our sadness or worries, but after hearing them a few times, they start to feel like facts. It requires the courage and strength to begin pausing and asking ourselves for the evidence. Can you fact-check this damaging thought? What proof have you got to support it? How true is this story?

Brene Brown:

In psychology, they call this process cognitive restructuring. It’s the process of identifying and disputing irrational or maladaptive thoughts. It requires you to identify the problematic thoughts that are negative “automatic thoughts” and develop a conscious response that disrupts that thinking.

The narrative I continue to tell myself is holding me to a place of pity, low self-worth and lacking hope for the future. It is through the power of connection that I feel there is a way to overcome it.

I am so very grateful for the people in my life that care. At the moment, I feel like a burden, regardless of what they say, this is the story I’m telling myself. But I know that if it wasn’t for my courage and strength to reach out to these people, to tell them my story and to be vulnerable to how they might respond, I would be in a much worse situation. I appreciate their patience and their love.

We all have stories. We all tell ourselves things to make sense of the world and to explain our feelings. My challenge to you is to know when these stories are getting in the way of you being the person you are supposed to be, your best self, and to consider asking a few questions to someone you trust to fact-check some of your assumptions. “The story I’m telling myself is…. is that correct?”

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

What do people (therefore) think of you?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship” Brene Brown.

What if I told you that a single word that someone uses to describe you could therefore create a full story about who you are and what you are like?

With a simple adjective such as warm or cold, another person can then make assumptions about how friendly you are, how reliable you are and even if you are a kind and caring person.

This blog is about an interesting concept called Implicit Personality Theory and the way that this theory explains the anxiety that someone who is a Recovering Perfectionist can have… the fear of what others think of them.

Welcome to blog #22.

Of course it is human nature that we are talked about when we are not around. Friends of yours would be talking about you to other friends, work colleagues would be talking about you, and your family will certainly be talking about you. For most of us, we go about our daily lives and never really think about this. If anything, we contribute to this as well. Just today I have been talking about the important people in my life with my friends and it happened without me even realising. When we are talking about someone, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is also about the good things that people say about you when you are not around, and not just negative things.

But for a Recovering Perfectionist we are constantly worried the our decisions, behaviours and actions and how these will be observed by others. We then worry about how we will be perceived because of this. We second guess everything we do to make sure it will be positively received by others. We replay situations to consider if we did everything right and if we need to do something differently. For me, I am constantly replaying situations and apologising for things that often the other person hasn’t even noticed. Sometimes I even apologise to someone for taking up their time when we mutually agreed to have a catch-up, just because I don’t feel worthy of taking up someone else’s time.

So you can probably correctly guess my shock and wonder when I recently learnt about this concept called implicit personality theory and how a single word used to describe you could create a whole story about who you are and what you are like, based purely on assumptions.

So, let’s look at a definition:

Implicit personality theory describes the specific patterns and biases an individual uses when forming impressions based on a limited amount of initial information about an unfamiliar person.
Wikipedia

Implicit personality theory was introduced to me with a simple activity. Following a simple description of someone (just a couple of sentences), we were asked to then answer a list of questions about the person. The description was simply that a young guy was known to his friends as being warm . The questions then followed:
– is the boy friendly or unfriendly?
– is the boy organised or disorganised?
– is the boy popular or lonely?
… and the list goes on.

One piece of detail that I haven’t given you yet, is that another group of people completing this activity were given the exact same description and list of questions, but the boy was described as cold instead of warm.

The results of this activity were staggering. We know literally nothing about this person except for one little personality description and yet we instantly make a list of assumptions about who they are and what they are like as a person; all based on one, simple word description.

This theory has now got me thinking about the kind of person I am, what people ‘say’ about me and the assumptions that people make based on their limited knowledge. It’s a reminder about how reputations can be formed, assumptions can be made and how opportunities can be opened or closed depending on the way people perceive you to be.

To be fair, I think we have all had that situation happen when you finally meet someone after hearing something about them and then realise “you’re not the person I thought you were!” This is just one example of how we develop a story about someone based on limited knowledge and key words and then assume we know them.

The aim of this blog is the same as always, to raise awareness, open minds, start a conversation and help others to see the complex patterns and thinking traits of a Recovering Perfectionist in the hope of bringing us closer together.

This particular blog is to highlight the ease with which we can develop assumptions about others based on a limited knowledge about them. When we next hear someone is described with a simple word, take a moment to consider what story you just created about them. Perhaps with this knowledge we can try to catch ourselves when this happens and think about the concept of staying curious for longer. A single word to describe someone’s personality does not describe them as a person. One person’s assumption about another person does not always reflect who they are, and we need to remember that people react differently in different situations. Perhaps we should try to stay curious for as long as possible before jumping to conclusions and give people a chance to show us who they really are. What do you think?

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

The Gift of Choice

*“In the end, it’s not what happens to us that matters most – it’s what we choose to do with it.” Dr Edith Eger.*

I was first introduced to clinical psychologists and Holocaust survivor, Dr Edith Eger after listening to the Unlocking Us podcast episode with Brene Brown titled: Recognising the Choices and Gifts in Our Lives. After the podcast had finished I went straight to the book store and purchased a copy of both The Gift and The Choice by Dr Edith Eger as I felt compelled to know more.

The podcast once again helped me to understand a concept that I was unable to articulate. It disrupted my thinking and challenged me to consider the freedom that comes from recognising the choices we can make, even when we feel the burden of a challenge. This episode reiterated the importance of how we perceive situations and reinforce that it’s not necessarily what happens to us that matters the most, but the way we react to a situation that can have lasting effects.

Welcome to blog #17.

Challenges, bad things, trauma… they will happen to all of us at some point in our lives but some people are able to cope when these things happen better than others. As a Recovering Perfectionist, I’m constantly reflecting on the situations that have happened to me and consider what I could have done differently to try to make things easier, better and how a better outcome could have been achieved if I had of acted differently. Although self-reflection is a good quality to have, regret and wishing to change the past can be damaging and sometimes I find myself fixated on situations to the point where it induces a range of negative self-talk thoughts and emotions.

In The Gift, Eger writes:

“Regret is the wish to change the past. It’s what we experience when we can’t acknowledge that we’re powerless, that something already happened, that we can’t change a single thing.”

When we spend time and energy within a state of regret we are perpetuating the idea that we are powerless, that we ‘should have’ done this, or ‘should have’ known better and we are stripping ourselves of the one thing we do have… the freedom to stop playing that story on repeat.

‘the power of freedom is the power to choose’…

One of the key lessons Eger shares is the ability to identify the ‘mental prisons’ we are locking ourselves into. She explains that a mental prison is where we take away our freedom to make choices that could release us from this trauma. It’s a place where we hold ourselves within a confined mental state, almost as a way to punish ourselves and therefore unable to see another perspective. She goes on to explain that the only way forward, the only way to unlock ourselves from these mental prisons is to consider the choices we have to see things differently. With the more choices we have, the more empowered we feel and then the greater our ability to move forward.

Eger explains why this concept is so powerful when she writes about the notion of learned helplessness. She explains that this is a condition that we suffer from when we have no efficacy in our lives and when we believe that nothing we do will improve the outcome. The way to overcome this is to develop learned optimism which is the strength, resilience and an ability to create meaning and consider the direction of our lives.

Learned optimism will give us the power to unlock the mental prison we might find ourselves in and give us the freedom to consider the various choices we have to move forward. But, learned optimism does not come naturally to all of us and when things are difficult for us, it can be hard to see through the fog of despair to the clarity of options. This is where some tools and strategies can be handy.

Each of us will carry our own set of tools and strategies to help us when we are down. For some this could be anything from a place you like to go to, a routine you like to follow, a song or movie you need to hear, a space for exercise… but for me it’s about coming back to my learning about vulnerability and courage. For me, I have to remind myself to be courageous and vulnerable and speak to someone that can help me gain some clarity on the options I am currently unable to see.

Recenlty I was confronted with a situation that caused me to step into a mental prison of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I was triggered by an experience in the past and I was unable to clearly see reason. I knew my thinking was not rational but I was unable to break the pattern. The first step for me when this started was to identify that I am in a mental prison and I want to break free. I then reached out and contacted a friend of mine and said “I know this is not a reasonable thought, but it’s happening and I need help to move past it, can you help me?”

Being honest and vulnerable about my feelings and emotions have been central to moving through challenging times. The power this has given me is immense and I’m so grateful for this learning. I truly hope that by sharing this with you, it will help you to be stronger, kinder to yourself and more empowered.

This blog post has been inspired by the book “The Gift” by Edith Eger and the podcast episode on Unlocking Us by Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-dr-edith-eger-on-recognizing-the-choices-and-gifts-in-our-lives/

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

When help is hard to ask for.

*Help: (verb) to make it easier or possible for someone to do something.*

“Help” has not been the first thing I would think of when something has been challenging. ”I can do it …” is a phrase I’ve replayed to myself time and time again; even when I couldn’t… but why? To feel in control? To feel successful? To prove a point? But what I end up doing is making things more difficult for myself than they really need to be. This image of Piglet and Pooh captures this perfectly. Pooh responds to the ‘bravest thing he has ever said’ by saying he would simply asked for help. The irony here is that it’s not simple. It takes an incredibly brave person to be vulnerable enough to say ‘I’m not sure what I’m doing here, can I please have some help?’ and to accept the help that is being offered to them.

Welcome to blog #15.

Somewhere along the way we created a story. A narrative that says that if we ask for help it reflects as a weakness. I’m guilty of this. I would prefer to feel the stress of not understanding or not knowing how to cope than to show a weakness and a need to ask for support. This narrative is ludicrous. One of the biggest concerns for me is how deeply ingrained this narrative is, even though I’m consciously acting against it.

This quote resonates deeply within me. Too often I worry about the things that have not happened yet but sit in the suffering of my own imagination. Often the reality is very different and yet I’ve spent all of this time worrying about something that didn’t even happen. This is another part of the story we tell ourselves.

I’m currently reading the latest book by Mark Manson: Everything is F*cked; A Book About Hope. Similar to his first book, Mark refers to values and suggests how some of the behaviours we have developed have stemmed from something irrational. Here’s a quote to summarise how the narratives we develop and the narrative we tell ourselves can influence our lives.

_{“These narratives we invent for ourselves around what’s important and what’s not, what is deserving and what is not- these stories stick with us and define us, they determine how we fit ourselves in to the world and with each other. They determine how we feel about ourselves- whether we deserve a good life or not, whether we deserve to be loved or not, whether we deserve success or not- and they define what we know and understand about ourselves.” Mark Manson.}

The narrative is just a story. A story that we have developed to explain something that we are trying to work out. Often our stories are developed based on something we see or hear someone else do, and we then think this is the ‘right way to do it’… but the truth is, we are all trying to work this stuff out.

This year, more than any, I have been the most vulnerable I have ever been. Starting the year in a new position at work, in a new community and without my usual support network has required me to reflect on the type of person I wanted to be. I knew that in order to build respect and a culture of mistakes being evidence of learning; I needed to lead by example. Where possible, I try to help myself when I’m confused or unsure, but more times than not you will find me sending an email or making a call to ask for help. This might seem insignificant, but it has required a deliberate effort to change the narrative I was telling myself that ‘asking for help is admitting a weakness’ and rewrite this story to ‘asking for help demonstrates vulnerability and growth, two things I highly value!’

What I would like to see is that as a community we change the narrative where seeking support is valued and seen as an act of learning and not at all an act of weakness.

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

Embarrassment is part of success.

*Success: (noun) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose*

Once upon a time you would never have seen me wearing a pink jumper! You would never have seen me shopping in the ‘female’ section in a clothing store and you most certainly wouldn’t have heard me telling the truth to a shop keeper when I ask them for a larger size of a pink ladies jumper so that I can wear it. However, the weekend before Mother’s Day that’s exactly what happened. I was determined to have a bright pink jumper for an important walk I do each year with my Mum for Mother’s Day and I honestly didn’t care what people thought about it. But how did I get to that point? What’s changed?

Welcome to blog #14.

What others think of us can be incredibly debilitating. To a recovering perfectionist; the way others think of us is often the decider for our actions and decisions. We want to please others but even more so, we want approval. Those of us that are constantly challenged by perception are always second guessing our choices. What we wear, the way we speak, the decisions we make, what we eat, drink, do… always wondering what other people will think of our choices. If this sounds like you, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be to do the most simple of tasks. The good news is that help is out there and you can learn to have a greater level of control over this, however; it’s a constant battle and something I am still grappling with. I have good days but also many challenging days and sometimes I just have to ride the wave of anxiety until it passes.

A prime is example is going to a bar. For years I have been worried about the drink I will order when I’m at a bar. I’m not a beer drinker but it is socially acceptable for a guy to order a beer at a bar. Personally, I’d prefer a nice white wine but every time I would order one in public, I would feel judged and humiliated by the bar staff, anyone that was listening and sometimes even by the people I am with. But here is a very important lesson… if you feel judged or humiliated by the choices you make by the people you are actually with… they are not the people you should be with.

One thing I have learned from this pain is the importance of communication. For goodness sake just speak. If you are worried about something or if you are second guessing a conversation you’ve had; a reaction from someone you are worried about, just say something. The worst thing that someone can do is play the event over and over in their head. This is torture and honestly, it’s self-sabotage. The event becomes bigger than it actually was, the events seem worse than they actually are and we begin to tell ourselves that this is all our own fault and we will never get past it. Before it gets to this point, be brave, be vulnerable and say “this is the story I’m telling myself…. is that true?”

So how does communication help with the pink jumper scenario? Well for one thing, I talked about what I was doing. You might consider this ‘testing the situation’ with others. I told the people close to me that I was intending to buy a bright pink jumper to wear on Mother’s Day and closely watched their reaction. When it was positive, I felt a sense of calm. I then reflected on this and thought to myself ‘who am I actually doing this for? Am I doing it for other people, or for my Mum and I?’ I think that’s when I realised I didn’t care anymore. I felt brave enough to speak up at the clothing store and be true to myself about what I needed and why and nothing bad came from this.

What this blog really comes down to is our values. If we really care about other people and making a moment special for them, we won’t let the perception of others interfere with it. We will rise above the negativity and stupidity because we know our purpose is true and authentic.

If you don’t follow Mark Manson on Instagram, I would strongly encourage you to consider it. The frequency of his messages has increased and he often posts little ‘words of wisdom’ from his blogs and books.

This friendly reminder is really helpful to support what we have talked about here. We (everybody) worries that our failures and problems are unique to us. If only we weren’t so scared to talk about them then we would see that we all have the same fears of failure and it’s normal to worry, stress and feel uneasy. To overcome this, we need to decide if we are worried about this because of the short-term embarrassment and whether or not we are willing to be vulnerable enough to work through it for the greater good that awaits. The key message? Don’t dwell on your worries, say them aloud to be brave enough to move past the fear.

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

Featured

Considering Change

Change: (verb) make or become different; (noun) an act or process through which something becomes different.

To consider the current time as a bit of a change is a bit of an understatement. COVID-19 has flipped life as we know it upside down and people everywhere are trying to grasp with what has become the new reality. For some of us the impact has been bigger than it has been for others. For some it has impacted on our lives more than we anticipated it would. Regardless of the level of change that has happened, there has been change nonetheless and as Mark Manson said above, “There is no such thing as change without pain, no growth without discomfort.”

Welcome to blog #13

This quote from Mark Manson resonated with me for a number of reasons. It has stayed with me for a few weeks now and triggered me to write this post. I think for one it articulated why change is so hard. I also know that change is something I have struggled with in the past. The change process itself requires us to alter the norm, disrupt the routine and remove the safety that comes from the familiar. We are thrown into a state of discomfort and I think for many of us, that is why we avoid it. The beginning of the world-wide pandemic that is COVID-19 has forced all of us into a state of discomfort and that also creates a sense of vulnerability. If you know anything about vulnerability, you will know that when we are vulnerable we are essentially surrendering ourselves to a feeling of uncertainty which can be a good thing if we are feeling courageous or really scary if we are not.

The speed at which change has occurred during this pandemic was unprecedented and ruthless. It took most of us by surprise and therefore made it difficult to be prepared for it.

But change doesn’t have to equal bad. Although unexpected, if given the opportunity, this could unearth a new way of thinking, working, communicating and a new sense of self. It is when we are forced to make a change, that new possibilities can emerge.

I think this quote from Mark Manson reminds us that with this change we have to accept loss. Through this process we are evolving and adapting and with that we are having to let go of the past and accept the future is going to be different. Letting go of what is comfortable and familiar is not easy; but it is possible.

Brene Brown often talks about the stories we tell ourselves and this is also true when it comes to change. If we sit with the story that this is going to be difficult, hard, not fair… then we are closing our mind to the possibility that this change could bring with it something positive. Brene talks about the concept of ‘owning our stories’ which means “reckoning with our feelings and rumbling with our dark emotions- our fear, anger, aggression, shame and blame.” So much of this is true when it comes to accepting change. If we take some time to rumble with what is happening, what is triggering the thoughts and emotions, then we have a chance to change the narrative instead of keeping the same story on repeat.

There has also been an idea shared online about not yearning for the past because we will never be going back to ‘the way things were’. In a sense this is true. We have all been affected by this change. We have all grown from this, experienced a different way of life; we are stronger, wiser and we can now to take this with us into the future.

I’m going to finish my blog today on the most important thing about change.

We must have dialogue.

It is even more important now than it ever has been before to keep the dialogue open and honest. Talk to someone about how you are feeling, what you are worried about and what you are learning. Be vulnerable to say what is on your mind and see what you think about it when you say it aloud. Validate your thoughts through conversation and rumble with the ideas that come out.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Rising Strong’ by Brene Brown and the Instagram post from Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F**k!”

Featured

Time to Rumble

Rumble: (verb) to move or travel with such a sound.

To read Brene Brown’s books is one thing, but to put her principles and concepts into action; well, that’s another thing altogether. To rumble with something may sound peculiar to those that are not familiar with Brene’s work and it doesn’t mean some sort of football thing like running and trying to grab a ball… and it doesn’t mean to hurt someone else… it means to stick with the tricky, stay curious even when it’s challenging and push ideas back and forth until you can come to a shared understanding.

“Dare to Lead: The Call to Courage” is a two day workshop that invites you to do just that, to rumble with new learning, to be vulnerable and experience discomfort, to define and articulate your values, to learn how to trust and to uncover the skills to rise above challenge. Yes, that’s a right, a lot to rumble with!

Welcome to blog #11.

If you are worried this post is going to be a recount of the two day professional learning workshop I have just completed, don’t worry, it’s not. Instead I want to focus on a couple of the ideas that I’ve had to rumble with to better understand myself and what that means to be a courageous leader. I think one of the first learnings for me is that leadership qualities are not reserved for those that have a title. They are dispositions, ways of living and being that emulate from a person who is courages, grounded, brave and true to their values. I was reminded of the ‘sphere of influence’ many times across this workshop and regardless of how many people you directly influence, you have the potential for someone else to see how authentic and great you are.

Early in my career, I couldn’t comprehend the notion that ‘leadership is not just a title.’ But what I’ve come to learn and what was reiterated through this workshop is that it is the person that has leadership qualities and those leadership qualities can be enacted and displayed at any position.

When you think about it, good leadership is:

someone you can trust
someone who is authentic and true to themselves
someone who is vulnerable and can admit when they are wrong
someone who encourages you to be the best you can be
someone who supports you

…aren’t they just qualities of a good person?

I guess my point here is not to over simplify the role of a leader as I know it is more complex than that… but at it’s heart, daring leaders are not just people who have a leadership title, they are people who have leadership qualities and that can be all of us.

Another concept that was explored was that of the SFD… also known as the ‘shitty first draft.’ I’ve spoken about this before in previous blogs, the story you tell yourself when you hear or see something. This is the inner-monologue that begins to try and explain what is happening or fill the gaps when information is missing. The reason I bring this up again is because it was further explored in this workshop and I’ve now learned more about how this can impact on us.

We were asked to think of a challenging time and write down the SFD. What was the inner story you were telling yourself no matter how ridiculous it may seem now? Then we were asked to go back and read it. What does this tell you about yourself?

What I learned from doing this is that my SFD is on constant repeat, no matter what the situation is. My default is the same: not good enough, should have done better, no one will like you. I was able to write down my SFD in minutes because it’s so familiar to me. When I read it back, I got really emotional. I tell myself the same story no matter how far from the truth it might be and without any hesitation. The power of knowing your SFD is knowing that when it’s happening that there is more to the story and this is just your mind trying to fill in the gaps with the story it knows. When you have this knowledge, you have the power to change the narrative. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have for this? What did that person actually do or say? Am I making an assumption based on little to no facts?

To be a leader we are going to be faced with challenge, that’s part of the job. We know that this requires courage to be vulnerable and say ‘hey, I’m here and I’m trying’ and there will be those that will try to bring you down. To be honest, does leadership have anything to do with this? Isn’t this the same for everyone? I’ve learned so much this year through my personal journey and from reading the many books Brene Brown has published, but one thing I’m proud of is that I’m now courageous enough to lean into my values, stay curious when challenged and rumble with my SFD when I’m not feeling my best until I can be sure of the facts.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown.

Featured

Getting to the heart of it.

***Definition*** *of perfectionism:*
noun: **perfectionism**
refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

As an educator I know that in order for us to learn and grow, we need to be challenged and stimulated with opportunities to develop our understanding. This is why I’ve spent so much time immersing myself into the work of Brene Brown and various authors who provide theory and insights into the way the human brain works and supporting me to develop a meta-awareness of my own mental health. Through this process, like with all learning, we find snippets of information and ideas that will confirm or challenge our understanding and slowly we peel back layers of confusion until we get to that ‘ah-ha!’ moment.

But sometimes we uncover something that digs so deep and resonants so strongly that it cuts through the layers of confusion and strikes at the heart of our wondering. We find the information that feels like it was written for us as it articulates perfectly the response we needed in that moment of time. It can sometimes be so profound that it makes you stop and reflect and think ‘wow, that answers it’ and it feels like we’ve reached the pinnacle of our journey.

This proverbial ‘sometimes’ moment happened to me recently and it felt like I was getting to the heart of what it has meant to feel the burden of being a perfectionist- and to be honest, it hurt.

Welcome to blog #8

Dare to Lead is the latest Brene Brown book that I’m devouring. From chapter one, I’ve been enthralled by her words and I’ve deeply related to the content. From page 78 though it started to get personal. It started with a reference to Daring Greatly (another book of hers), that said:

The Vulnerability Armory

‘As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions and behaviours as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realise that to live with courage, purpose and connection- to be the persons who we long to be- we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up and let ourselves be seen.’

The vulnerability armor was something I lugged around with me every day as a kid. I wanted so desperately for no-one to notice me, to just blend in and not get ‘picked-on’. The saddest part about this, is that I had so much to offer that most were unable to see until I became an adult- and even then, I’ve had many moments when I’ve picked up the vulnerability armor and tried it on again for good measure.

When I think about my role as an educator, I desperately want to stop children feeling like they need to wear armor like this. I want to sustain a culture that values difference and accepts people for who they are.

My vulnerability armor took on the form of perfectionism. It was through trying to be perfect I thought I would not be noticed. If I was perfect, then no one would criticise or need to torment me. It was through perfectionism that my family would be proud and questions would not be asked. In theory it doesn’t sound like the worst thing that could happen to someone, right? Trying to be perfect all the time must have its benefits? But Brene Brown got straight to the heart of it when she said:

‘perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence… it is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.’

Wow Brene… you got it. This page was getting to the heart of it. Reading page 79 forced me to reflect on my childhood, my adolescence and everything that has happened since. Perfectionism was my armor, happiness came second. If it wasn’t right and perfect, it was my fault and everyone would notice… or so I told myself.

In some ways, I feel like a fraud. This blog is titled: ‘a Recovering Perfectionist’ and I think reading this reminds me that recovering is different to recovered. I feel like I have come so far with my recovery from perfectionism (this blog is testament to that), but when we get to the heart of perfectionism; I feel like I’ve still got more to do in this space, more to learn and more recovery is needed.

I have a quote tattooed on my right arm. It reads:

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’

The quote is there for many reasons but one of them is to have a constant reminder of who is in control. We have the ability to accept or reject the love and pain that others want to share with us. As a recovering perfectionist I have to work hard every day to remember I have the ability to accept or ignore how others treat me; something that is often lost when we are overcome with perfectionism.

Thank you for reading my blog. The aim of this blog is to raise awareness, start conversations and to help others. I hope the journey to self discovery that I’m sharing here will not only help me to clarify my thinking, but support someone else that needs the same.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to subscribe to receive email alerts when the latest blog is posted.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by author Brene Brown.