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Be my witness.

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking you are worthy.” *Wayne Dyer.*

Have you ever thought about the reasons why we fall in love? Have you ever wondered what motivates you to be with someone? Have you considered the feeling that comes from within that pulls you closer to someone or pushes them away?

These are just some of the questions that have been repeating for me for some time now. I have found it hard to articulate what it is that compels me to be hopeful that love will happen for me once again and what it is that motivates me to keep trying. For me, this is about truly understanding my motivations and that sense that I am missing out on something by being single. I have not had the words to articulate this before. That was until I heard this clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004), and I realised in that moment, this is exactly the reason that I desire to be in love. This is my motivation. This is my reason.

Welcome to blog #28.

I have many well-intentioned friends that continue to advocate for the single life. Many friends that keep reminding me of the many benefits to being single and encouraging me to make the most of this time. I have heard many times that “the right person will come when you least expect it” and that it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when.

This concept of waiting is not my strength. I am impatient, a perfectionist and a bit of a drama-queen. What has only been a short time (factually), is beginning to feel like a lifetime (the drama). I have doubted myself numerous times and have spoken to my psychologist about my fear of being co-dependent as a motivator for seeking a partner; to which she clearly reminds me that is not the case. She validates my feelings but reminds me of my strong sense of independence and my desire for a partner is not about need but a desire. But for some time now I have not been able to explain why.

However, recently I heard a short clip from the movie Shall We Dance (2004). During this beautiful exchange between Susan Sarandon and Richard Jenkins, Susan describes why marriage is so important. She says:

“Because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All of the time, every day. You’re saying, your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”
Shall We Dance (2004)

The clip paused and I was breathless. This was the wording that I had been searching for. This was the reason why finding a partner was such a strong motivator for me. For me, I feel like I am navigating life on my own. I am experiencing the highs and lows, the achievements and failures and all of the everyday moments that would be just that little bit more special if I had someone to share them with. It almost feels like my life is a waste because I sometimes ask myself ‘why does it matter?’ When we feel like something we are doing goes unnoticed we can feel underappreciated, and this can lead to a sense of worthlessness. I now know that my hope is to have a witness to my life. Someone to see me and to be part of the journey.

This is certainly something I have had to sit with. The way I have moved forward is by reminding myself of my values and the importance of living for what I value as important.

I know that one of my key values is to help others to be the best they can be. I know that if I focus on this I will at the same time feel a sense of success and fulfilment. So, why does it matter? My life matters because it’s providing an opportunity to lift someone else higher than they thought they could be, and this is important.

Yes, finding someone to be the witness to my life would be wonderful, but I am happy to wait for the best witness there is and remember that my self-worth is more important than having just someone who is not there for the right reasons.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Behind the smile

*“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.*” Brene Brown. Daring Greatly.

Recently I was told “your smile hides a thousand stories.”

This comment made me hold my breath. I felt seen. I also felt vulnerable, and I felt sadness. It was as if the heavy armour that I carry around with me, the one that protects me from the truth and displays a happy, strong individual to the world, had somehow cracked and someone got a glimpse of what was really going on beneath it. I felt sadness that this person could see through my armour and I felt sadness for the past. A past that has shaped the person I am now, but also a past that has left me feeling damaged, hurt and at times, unworthy.

Welcome to blog #25

Looking back, I would say I was an incredible actor. I now realise I was constantly shape-shifting to be whatever the person in front of me needed. My goal was to look perfect and do everything perfectly so that no one would notice me. I would say and do whatever I needed to do to belong and to blend in. I vividly remember a time in my early 20’s when I started to wonder who am I? That might sound like a ridiculous question to ask, but I honestly felt like I didn’t know who I was. I had become so used to being whatever anyone else wanted, that I somehow had lost myself.

Perfectionism started early. It started as an armour to hide myself from the shame, blame and criticism of being gay. If I acted perfectly, no one would need to question or notice me. I could remain hidden and safe.

I now have the language to articulate the feelings that I couldn’t describe when I was younger. I now can see that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Anxiety refers to the anticipation of a future concern and is associated with muscle tension and avoidance behaviour.

I was experiencing excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations that to most of us, we do without thinking. The way I walked, the way I talked, the way I ate something… every behaviour was mimicked by those around me to try and fit in without standing out.

Somewhere along the line my perfectionistic manner shifted to not only be about blending in, but also about connection and belonging. Until I started to live into my values, I was living for whatever everyone else wanted me to be so that they would want to spend time with me.

Loneliness is something that can scare many of us. It is human nature to seek a connection and to feel a sense of belonging. For me, loneliness has taken various forms. Initially, it was the fear of loneliness for not being accepted for who I am by friends and family. It then become the fear of being lonely as I got older without a family of my own.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene writes:

“…the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown.

For most of my life, I have experienced psychological isolation. For majority of this time, it was a consequence of perfectionism and holding everyone that was important to me at an arm’s length to ensure I kept my anonymity. I did this by not being authentic. By playing the part everyone wanted me to play and therefore not developing the authentic connection that brings us closer together. In doing so, I created my own psychological isolation.

The turning point for me came when I realised the power of vulnerability. To step into the arena without my armour and show-up to live into my values. To not listen to the critics that have purchased the cheap seats and to focus on those that add value to my life and not take from it. It was at this point that I started to feel true human connection and the importance of being authentic in order to truly connect with someone.

If there is some good to come from the challenges that I have faced, it would be this:

“Much of the beauty of light owes its existence to the dark. The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

I have so much gratitude for those that I now have a true connection with and I think I value this so highly after experiencing some of the dark moments in my past.

This blog has reminded me of the difference between belonging and fitting in. So much of my life has been about trying to fit in so that I didn’t bring unwanted attention to myself. But when you look at the definitions Brene gives us in Daring Greatly, you can see the shame and pain that comes from not being our authentic selves.

She writes:

“Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown

So yes, behind the smile are a thousand stories.

The smile hides my crippling anxiety, the constant narrative that I am not worthy or loveable, my recovering perfectionist traits, and various levels of depression that I am haunted by almost every minute of every day.

But please know, often my smile is genuine. There are many aspects of my life that now bring me joy. The challenge I now face is stopping myself when I see parts of my perfectionism creeping back to the surface and asking myself why that is happening? Am I showing up authentically? Is this person in the arena with me? Am I trying to fit in or find a place of belonging?

Thank you for reading this blog.

If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. One of the most influential books I have ever read.

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Unlovable- the story I tell myself.

*“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean we are unlovable. Brene Brown.*

It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how many heartbreak songs there are in the world. Songs that I have really enjoyed listening to and songs that I would have considered as ‘fun’ and ‘upbeat’ up until recently when I realised that the lyrics are actually often really sad. However, this does make me think that perhaps I’m not alone with some of the feelings I have and that I’m certainly not the only person to experience them. This is what happens in life, right? People come and go and sometimes it’s easier to move on than other times.

But what happens when the big emotions become a story. When the story that you start telling yourself is that you are not worthy or not good enough. The story that you are a burden to those around you and the pity they take on you is taxing for them. The story that you are just… unlovable.

Welcome to blog #23.

The thing about stories is that they are often made up. A fictional tale that we have concocted to try and make sense of the world and the way we are feeling about it. As a recovering perfectionist, we immediately jump to something being wrong with us. It must have obviously been our fault and if we were better, then this would never have happened.

My very best friend reminded me to look at a page from The Gift by Edith Eger recently. Here is a little section from this book:

“Ultimately, guilt and shame don’t come from the outside. They come from the inside. Many of my patients seek out therapy when they’re going through a painful divorce or breakup. They’re grieving the death of a relationship, and the disappearance of all the hopes, dreams, and expectation it represented. But usually they don’t talk about the grief- they talk about the feeling of rejection.” p.84.
The Gift by Edith Eger.

The feeling of rejection can quickly lead to a feeling of being unlovable. It slides past the feeling of being lonely, to not being good enough, and ends up at the final destination of unlovable- and in doing so, deteriorates any positive sense of self you might have had along the way.

On the next page of the book by Eger writes a sentence that is equally as powerful as the paragraph I just shared:

“And most of all, we choose how to talk to ourselves”
The Gift by Edit Eger.

My biggest learning in recent times is that the story I tell myself is damaging and these thoughts will influence how you feel. They might start out as being isolated fictional pieces to express our sadness or worries, but after hearing them a few times, they start to feel like facts. It requires the courage and strength to begin pausing and asking ourselves for the evidence. Can you fact-check this damaging thought? What proof have you got to support it? How true is this story?

Brene Brown:

In psychology, they call this process cognitive restructuring. It’s the process of identifying and disputing irrational or maladaptive thoughts. It requires you to identify the problematic thoughts that are negative “automatic thoughts” and develop a conscious response that disrupts that thinking.

The narrative I continue to tell myself is holding me to a place of pity, low self-worth and lacking hope for the future. It is through the power of connection that I feel there is a way to overcome it.

I am so very grateful for the people in my life that care. At the moment, I feel like a burden, regardless of what they say, this is the story I’m telling myself. But I know that if it wasn’t for my courage and strength to reach out to these people, to tell them my story and to be vulnerable to how they might respond, I would be in a much worse situation. I appreciate their patience and their love.

We all have stories. We all tell ourselves things to make sense of the world and to explain our feelings. My challenge to you is to know when these stories are getting in the way of you being the person you are supposed to be, your best self, and to consider asking a few questions to someone you trust to fact-check some of your assumptions. “The story I’m telling myself is…. is that correct?”

Thank you for reading this blog.

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What do people (therefore) think of you?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship” Brene Brown.

What if I told you that a single word that someone uses to describe you could therefore create a full story about who you are and what you are like?

With a simple adjective such as warm or cold, another person can then make assumptions about how friendly you are, how reliable you are and even if you are a kind and caring person.

This blog is about an interesting concept called Implicit Personality Theory and the way that this theory explains the anxiety that someone who is a Recovering Perfectionist can have… the fear of what others think of them.

Welcome to blog #22.

Of course it is human nature that we are talked about when we are not around. Friends of yours would be talking about you to other friends, work colleagues would be talking about you, and your family will certainly be talking about you. For most of us, we go about our daily lives and never really think about this. If anything, we contribute to this as well. Just today I have been talking about the important people in my life with my friends and it happened without me even realising. When we are talking about someone, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. This is also about the good things that people say about you when you are not around, and not just negative things.

But for a Recovering Perfectionist we are constantly worried the our decisions, behaviours and actions and how these will be observed by others. We then worry about how we will be perceived because of this. We second guess everything we do to make sure it will be positively received by others. We replay situations to consider if we did everything right and if we need to do something differently. For me, I am constantly replaying situations and apologising for things that often the other person hasn’t even noticed. Sometimes I even apologise to someone for taking up their time when we mutually agreed to have a catch-up, just because I don’t feel worthy of taking up someone else’s time.

So you can probably correctly guess my shock and wonder when I recently learnt about this concept called implicit personality theory and how a single word used to describe you could create a whole story about who you are and what you are like, based purely on assumptions.

So, let’s look at a definition:

Implicit personality theory describes the specific patterns and biases an individual uses when forming impressions based on a limited amount of initial information about an unfamiliar person.
Wikipedia

Implicit personality theory was introduced to me with a simple activity. Following a simple description of someone (just a couple of sentences), we were asked to then answer a list of questions about the person. The description was simply that a young guy was known to his friends as being warm . The questions then followed:
– is the boy friendly or unfriendly?
– is the boy organised or disorganised?
– is the boy popular or lonely?
… and the list goes on.

One piece of detail that I haven’t given you yet, is that another group of people completing this activity were given the exact same description and list of questions, but the boy was described as cold instead of warm.

The results of this activity were staggering. We know literally nothing about this person except for one little personality description and yet we instantly make a list of assumptions about who they are and what they are like as a person; all based on one, simple word description.

This theory has now got me thinking about the kind of person I am, what people ‘say’ about me and the assumptions that people make based on their limited knowledge. It’s a reminder about how reputations can be formed, assumptions can be made and how opportunities can be opened or closed depending on the way people perceive you to be.

To be fair, I think we have all had that situation happen when you finally meet someone after hearing something about them and then realise “you’re not the person I thought you were!” This is just one example of how we develop a story about someone based on limited knowledge and key words and then assume we know them.

The aim of this blog is the same as always, to raise awareness, open minds, start a conversation and help others to see the complex patterns and thinking traits of a Recovering Perfectionist in the hope of bringing us closer together.

This particular blog is to highlight the ease with which we can develop assumptions about others based on a limited knowledge about them. When we next hear someone is described with a simple word, take a moment to consider what story you just created about them. Perhaps with this knowledge we can try to catch ourselves when this happens and think about the concept of staying curious for longer. A single word to describe someone’s personality does not describe them as a person. One person’s assumption about another person does not always reflect who they are, and we need to remember that people react differently in different situations. Perhaps we should try to stay curious for as long as possible before jumping to conclusions and give people a chance to show us who they really are. What do you think?

Thank you for reading this blog.

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A Literal Heartstopper

*“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”* Dr. Brene Brown.

I cannot remember a time when within one episode of a mini-series I’ve felt such a pendulum of emotions swing from pure joy that this version of a story is being told, to immense sadness for a story that is like mine, but also so different.

The Netflix new series Heartstopper is an 8-episode series about a young boy who has a crush on another young boy at his high school. Never before have I seen a series that portrays so well the depth of emotion and the challenge and despair of realising your identity and questioning oneself. This series was both beautiful in its normality of what a relationship ‘should’ be like for young gay people and yet depressing with the sadness I have for a life I was robbed because of fear, anxiety and homophobia.

Welcome to blog #20.

If you know me, then you probably already know my story. I spent my life trying to please others and my motivation for this was acceptance. I would become who you wanted or needed me to be without any care or consideration for what I needed. I withheld emotions, desires, and who I knew I was to make others feel comfortable; and out of the fear of being rejected and alone.

My coming out story was not and has never been a story of happiness. It was an unfortunate event that I could not complete and has always been left half-said or not said at all. The fear of not being accepted is so deep seeded that I have often considered no life at all instead of a life where I was not wanted or a life of letting others feel disappointment because of me.

For anyone who is wondering, success does not bring you joy. Achievements do not bring you happiness. Being loved and accepted for who you truly are by others does.

I was scared to watch this series. I was worried that my story, my hard and often lonely story would be turned into something for entertainment. You often see this. A glossy version of gay love from the perspective of someone who has no clue what it is actually like. For those that do not know what it has been like, you could never truly create a series that captures the challenges of a confused boy trying to make sense of a situation that outcasts them from the societal norm. But they did it. This show portrayed so many of the raw and heart-breaking moments that happened so many years ago. The desire for connection but confusion about how to label it, what it would mean for the future and of course, how everyone would react.

Heartstopper
2022 ‧ Drama ‧ 1 season (Netflix)

Throughout each and every moment I felt the pendulum swing. One moment I was in awe and happiness to see the story unfold – a story that has for so long been a banned topic of conversation and then the next I was beside myself with anguish and despair. Anguish for a life I could have had if it weren’t plagued with fear, hatred and homophobia.

Watching this series forced me to think about the different life I could have had if my situation had of been different. If I had of had the courage to speak up. Had the power to speak my truth and the support to be who I am; my life would have been so different.

The purpose of this blog is not to seek sympathy but it is to provide a perspective that may help others to think differently, consider another point of view and in time, shape the way we support and care for each other. This has been an incredibly hard blog to write but in sharing this I hope to become another step closer towards becoming a recovering perfectionist who is often plagued with guilt and shame.

The greatest gift we can give someone is validating their worth. I don’t mean praising someone and inflating their ego, but acknowledging them as someone who is seen, cared for, and valued. What I would not give to have my childhood back and to know then what I know now. Life is not about pleasing others or making yourself small and unseen to make others feel more comfortable. It’s not about how many people like you but the quality of those that do. It’s about being true to ourselves and surrounding ourselves with those that want to support you, not bring you down or shape you into something they would prefer to see.

My mission moving forward “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.” -Dr. Brene Brown.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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COVID-19 Shame

*“Shame is the fear of being unworthy of love, connection and belonging… it say’s you are a bad person”* Brene Brown.

COVID-19 hit me without notice. I was fine and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. Within the first 24 hours I could feel constant waves of sickness run across my body. The fever had parts of my body feeling like they were on fire, while others were freezing. I was breaking out into cold-sweats while also looking for a blanket to keep warm. My body ached all over but it was my face that felt the worst. Every part of my face felt enlarged, my temples swollen. My nose was running non-stop and within the first few hours, half a box of tissues had been used and discarded. My head and throat felt pain, whilst my chest felt tight and restricted. My heart felt like it was sporadically racing.

My body was trying to cope with what was thrust upon it. An unfortunate illness that entered my body regardless of the careful way in which I tried to protect it. I am vaccinated, I am always cleaning my hands and keeping my distance from others, and I have been wearing a mask when in public. Theoretically, I know it’s not my fault I have COVID-19, I’m just unlucky. But the shame of having COVID-19 is almost just as debilitating as the physical pain of the symptoms.

My hope with this blog post is to share a side of this that we haven’t yet heard; the voice of someone diagnosed with COVID-19. I want to share this as a way to share how serious this can be and how easily it can happen. I did not take this serious enough. I followed the rules but also had the attitude of “it’ll probably happen and we will all get it…” but now I can see how harmful this is to both you and those around you.

In the first few moments of realising I was sick, I started to worry. I was making a list of everyone I had seen in the days leading up to the sickness. The shame of having to explain to each of them that I now have this pandemic; this illness that has swept the world and instils fear in many of us is not information I want to share with my closest and most important people, but I knew that I must share this to keep them safe.

When I could, I made contact with the Public Health Line to seek advice around testing. It was the start of a new way of dealing with this given the large number of unnecessary tests. As I was showing symptoms, I was first required to collect a Rapid Allergen Test (RAT). Within minutes, it showed a positive test result. This was not a good sign given that the instructions in the box inform you that it could take up to 15 minutes for a positive test result to show and mine was almost instant. Stage 2; have this verified with a PCR test at the local drive-in testing clinic. An experience not easy to complete when you feel awful and have to sit in your car for nearly an hour. The heat from the outside was making it truly uncomfortable and the constant need to blow your nose making it difficult to sit still. My body repeated the hot and cold sensations with thanks to the fever still in control of my body and at the same time as trying to remain calm and answer the questions correctly for the staff at the testing clinic.

A number of different people spoke to me during this time. First someone to check my name and date of birth. Then someone to check my address, phone number, name and date of birth. Finally someone to check my name, date of birth and to administer the test. Given the positive RAT test, I was told this COVID test would be made a priority with results shared that afternoon. I was then reminded to go home and isolate.

It’s incredible what your brain will do when it has time to think. Driving home I started to think about all of the possible interactions that could happen and the potential for this to spread while I made the 8 minute journey back to home. If I had a car accident, if I was pulled over by the Police, if I broke down. A small sense of panic washed over me as I realised I needed to get home and stop the spread of this any further. Then, later that night, the SMS read that I had tested positive for COVID-19 and must remain in isolation until further information was provided.

Thankfully for me, the symptoms of COVID-19 have been relatively mild after that first horrific 24 hours. Days later I still have shocking headaches, trouble breathing, moments of a racing heart beat, and parts of my face that feel swollen; but I am able to sustain focus much better now and require less pain relief.

The thing I’m finding most difficult at the moment is COVID-shame. COVID-shame is the feeling of being dirty. It’s the feeling that you have done something wrong to catch this (like touched a door handle or taken your mask off). It’s feeling like you are the person to blame for any sickness someone may now get. It’s feeling like all of this is your fault when people panic or stress when you tell them that you are positive with this. It’s the feeling of guilt because you attended those drinks, that lunch, the gathering all the while thinking you were well and healthy- but apparently you were not. It’s the fact you feel like you have put others in danger. It’s the ‘them’ and ‘you’ mentality. It’s worrying about what other people may think. This is COVID-shame.

With the case numbers now so high there is a likely chance someone I have made contact with could easily contract the virus from someone else, but that doesn’t change the story that I’m telling myself that this could have been avoided if I had of stayed away.

Many people ask where did I get it from? The answer is simply “I have no idea!” I have been so careful. I have hardly left the house for things that are not essential. I have spent less than 4 hours with people (the current requirement to be classed as a close contact with someone or for a venue to be named a hot-spot), but I still got it.

We all have a part to play with this. We must enact the COVID-19 safe measures we have been told to do: hand-washing, mask-wearing, distancing, vaccinations and testing. We also have to take responsibility for our actions. If we are going to have a meeting, gathering or interaction then we may put ourselves in a situation of contracting COVID-19. This is the reality of our current situation and not the fault of one individual. COVID-19 is invisible. It could be anywhere and we just can’t see it.

As someone who has been working really hard to improve their mental health and perfectionism in recent years, I fear for the impact of COVID-shame will have on those that are not ready for it.

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: “What will people think?”

Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown, 2021.

Stay safe.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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The Language to Connect

*“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes.” Dr. Brene Brown.*

I was so incredibly excited to know Brene Brown was publishing a new book. After devouring her previous books and finding strength and hope from her book “Daring Greatly”, I just knew this book would have something in it that would resonant with me. But this was a different book to any of her others. This book captures the 87 different emotions and behaviours that define what it means to be human and gives us the language to name them and the self-awareness to know when they are happening.

The reason why this is so important is because it’s only when we have shared meaning, a common language and an ability to navigate our way through both our own and someone else’s emotions, that we can find connection. Without this ability to identify an emotion in others we are truly playing a guessing game when trying to connect. If we can identify the emotion in ourselves, we also have the power to control it.

Welcome to blog #18.

Life seems to keep challenging me to consider the way I hold myself and interact with others. As Principal of a school, I am inevitably going to be exposed to and required to interact with a lot of different people, and I really enjoy this. Interestingly, I am finding my interpersonal skills are equally required within non-work related situations and I am constantly considering the way I am showing up and engaging with others. As a deeply reflective person, I am often thinking about these interactions and wondering what worked well? Why was that easier or harder than expected? How could I have handled that differently?

What I am often coming back to is the notion that we don’t know what we don’t know. I’m becoming more aware of the situations when people are sharing their ideas and providing opinions on things that they have no knowledge about. Sometimes, that is by choice. But often this is through a lack of education or exposure to this idea/ concept and so the opinions formed are simply based on unsubstantiated opinions. Remaining curious long enough to consider this is the challenge. Before making an assumption about someone’s opinion, I am trying to hold judgement long enough to consider if this person has had the same experiences and exposure to this as I have and considering the place that they are coming from this. (Guidepost: Assume positive intent).

“Atlas of the Heart” by Dr. Brene Brown is a glossary of the 87 different emotions and behaviours that have surfaced from her research and provides us with the language to identify, understand and then manage these emotions both within ourselves and others. In a way, Brene sees this like a map. A map of our hearts. She sees this information as a map to guide us through our relationships (which is at the heart of our being). At the heart of it (no pun intended), the book is about having a shared language and understanding.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brown writes:

“When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited. Without accurate language, we struggle to get the help we need, we don’t always regulate or manage our emotions and experiences in a way that allows us to move through them productively, and our self-awareness is diminished. Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.”

As an educator, I have been cultivating my ability and awareness of reacting to situations that could trigger a negative reaction from the person sharing something with me. When someone is sharing something with you, they are truly vulnerable. They are sharing what they know (or believe) and although this may not always be right, the way we react can either affirm someones sense of self, or deflate it. Once someone starts talking, they are opening themselves up to criticism and judgement.

The more I learn about myself, the more confident I am with being the person that values supporting others. To do this well, I need to ensure my reactions to others avoid eliciting a shame response. Shame is a dangerous emotion that is unhelpful for building a positive relationship and connection with someone. This brings me back to the idea that we don’t know what we don’t know. To respond in a way that initiates a shame response for someone who doesn’t know any different and who has not had the same experiences, education or information shared with them as I have does not align with my values.

After reading “Atlas of the Heart” I can now articulate the way I have been trying to develop as both a leader and as a decent human being.

Brene Brown writes:

“Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balance and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.”

In short, Brene would say: “I’m here to get it right, not to be right.”

Reading the section on humility resonated deeply. Over time I have been trying to present myself in a way that say’s: “Hey! I’m here! I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers but I have something to offer, something to share and together, we can help build knowledge and shared understanding.” As a recovering perfectionist, this is huge. Not only am I admitting I’m not perfect, I’m creating a culture where I value everyones contributions and calls for help.

I am certainly not perfect at humility. I am still at times ‘armouring up’ when I feel threatened or like I’m not meeting someones expectations- but I am growing and improving and enjoying the benefits from having a little more humility in my life and less of a focus on always being right, perfect, and worrying about what ‘they’ will think.

The title of this post, “The Language to Connect” comes from the undeniable need for us to have a shared understanding and shared language for us to connect in meaningful ways. It enables us to openly share and discuss with empathy, love and care, and value the contribution each of us brings to the connection. Atlas of the Heart is a great way to begin that journey and to see there is so much happening for each of us at any one time and that being mindful and open to this is important. We can never truly know what is happening for someone else, but we can ask them, and listen, and respond in a way that builds the connection instead of stopping it.

This blog post has been inspired by the book “Atlas of the Heart” by Dr Brene Brown.

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The Gift of Choice

*“In the end, it’s not what happens to us that matters most – it’s what we choose to do with it.” Dr Edith Eger.*

I was first introduced to clinical psychologists and Holocaust survivor, Dr Edith Eger after listening to the Unlocking Us podcast episode with Brene Brown titled: Recognising the Choices and Gifts in Our Lives. After the podcast had finished I went straight to the book store and purchased a copy of both The Gift and The Choice by Dr Edith Eger as I felt compelled to know more.

The podcast once again helped me to understand a concept that I was unable to articulate. It disrupted my thinking and challenged me to consider the freedom that comes from recognising the choices we can make, even when we feel the burden of a challenge. This episode reiterated the importance of how we perceive situations and reinforce that it’s not necessarily what happens to us that matters the most, but the way we react to a situation that can have lasting effects.

Welcome to blog #17.

Challenges, bad things, trauma… they will happen to all of us at some point in our lives but some people are able to cope when these things happen better than others. As a Recovering Perfectionist, I’m constantly reflecting on the situations that have happened to me and consider what I could have done differently to try to make things easier, better and how a better outcome could have been achieved if I had of acted differently. Although self-reflection is a good quality to have, regret and wishing to change the past can be damaging and sometimes I find myself fixated on situations to the point where it induces a range of negative self-talk thoughts and emotions.

In The Gift, Eger writes:

“Regret is the wish to change the past. It’s what we experience when we can’t acknowledge that we’re powerless, that something already happened, that we can’t change a single thing.”

When we spend time and energy within a state of regret we are perpetuating the idea that we are powerless, that we ‘should have’ done this, or ‘should have’ known better and we are stripping ourselves of the one thing we do have… the freedom to stop playing that story on repeat.

‘the power of freedom is the power to choose’…

One of the key lessons Eger shares is the ability to identify the ‘mental prisons’ we are locking ourselves into. She explains that a mental prison is where we take away our freedom to make choices that could release us from this trauma. It’s a place where we hold ourselves within a confined mental state, almost as a way to punish ourselves and therefore unable to see another perspective. She goes on to explain that the only way forward, the only way to unlock ourselves from these mental prisons is to consider the choices we have to see things differently. With the more choices we have, the more empowered we feel and then the greater our ability to move forward.

Eger explains why this concept is so powerful when she writes about the notion of learned helplessness. She explains that this is a condition that we suffer from when we have no efficacy in our lives and when we believe that nothing we do will improve the outcome. The way to overcome this is to develop learned optimism which is the strength, resilience and an ability to create meaning and consider the direction of our lives.

Learned optimism will give us the power to unlock the mental prison we might find ourselves in and give us the freedom to consider the various choices we have to move forward. But, learned optimism does not come naturally to all of us and when things are difficult for us, it can be hard to see through the fog of despair to the clarity of options. This is where some tools and strategies can be handy.

Each of us will carry our own set of tools and strategies to help us when we are down. For some this could be anything from a place you like to go to, a routine you like to follow, a song or movie you need to hear, a space for exercise… but for me it’s about coming back to my learning about vulnerability and courage. For me, I have to remind myself to be courageous and vulnerable and speak to someone that can help me gain some clarity on the options I am currently unable to see.

Recenlty I was confronted with a situation that caused me to step into a mental prison of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I was triggered by an experience in the past and I was unable to clearly see reason. I knew my thinking was not rational but I was unable to break the pattern. The first step for me when this started was to identify that I am in a mental prison and I want to break free. I then reached out and contacted a friend of mine and said “I know this is not a reasonable thought, but it’s happening and I need help to move past it, can you help me?”

Being honest and vulnerable about my feelings and emotions have been central to moving through challenging times. The power this has given me is immense and I’m so grateful for this learning. I truly hope that by sharing this with you, it will help you to be stronger, kinder to yourself and more empowered.

This blog post has been inspired by the book “The Gift” by Edith Eger and the podcast episode on Unlocking Us by Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-dr-edith-eger-on-recognizing-the-choices-and-gifts-in-our-lives/

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Embarrassment is part of success.

*Success: (noun) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose*

Once upon a time you would never have seen me wearing a pink jumper! You would never have seen me shopping in the ‘female’ section in a clothing store and you most certainly wouldn’t have heard me telling the truth to a shop keeper when I ask them for a larger size of a pink ladies jumper so that I can wear it. However, the weekend before Mother’s Day that’s exactly what happened. I was determined to have a bright pink jumper for an important walk I do each year with my Mum for Mother’s Day and I honestly didn’t care what people thought about it. But how did I get to that point? What’s changed?

Welcome to blog #14.

What others think of us can be incredibly debilitating. To a recovering perfectionist; the way others think of us is often the decider for our actions and decisions. We want to please others but even more so, we want approval. Those of us that are constantly challenged by perception are always second guessing our choices. What we wear, the way we speak, the decisions we make, what we eat, drink, do… always wondering what other people will think of our choices. If this sounds like you, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be to do the most simple of tasks. The good news is that help is out there and you can learn to have a greater level of control over this, however; it’s a constant battle and something I am still grappling with. I have good days but also many challenging days and sometimes I just have to ride the wave of anxiety until it passes.

A prime is example is going to a bar. For years I have been worried about the drink I will order when I’m at a bar. I’m not a beer drinker but it is socially acceptable for a guy to order a beer at a bar. Personally, I’d prefer a nice white wine but every time I would order one in public, I would feel judged and humiliated by the bar staff, anyone that was listening and sometimes even by the people I am with. But here is a very important lesson… if you feel judged or humiliated by the choices you make by the people you are actually with… they are not the people you should be with.

One thing I have learned from this pain is the importance of communication. For goodness sake just speak. If you are worried about something or if you are second guessing a conversation you’ve had; a reaction from someone you are worried about, just say something. The worst thing that someone can do is play the event over and over in their head. This is torture and honestly, it’s self-sabotage. The event becomes bigger than it actually was, the events seem worse than they actually are and we begin to tell ourselves that this is all our own fault and we will never get past it. Before it gets to this point, be brave, be vulnerable and say “this is the story I’m telling myself…. is that true?”

So how does communication help with the pink jumper scenario? Well for one thing, I talked about what I was doing. You might consider this ‘testing the situation’ with others. I told the people close to me that I was intending to buy a bright pink jumper to wear on Mother’s Day and closely watched their reaction. When it was positive, I felt a sense of calm. I then reflected on this and thought to myself ‘who am I actually doing this for? Am I doing it for other people, or for my Mum and I?’ I think that’s when I realised I didn’t care anymore. I felt brave enough to speak up at the clothing store and be true to myself about what I needed and why and nothing bad came from this.

What this blog really comes down to is our values. If we really care about other people and making a moment special for them, we won’t let the perception of others interfere with it. We will rise above the negativity and stupidity because we know our purpose is true and authentic.

If you don’t follow Mark Manson on Instagram, I would strongly encourage you to consider it. The frequency of his messages has increased and he often posts little ‘words of wisdom’ from his blogs and books.

This friendly reminder is really helpful to support what we have talked about here. We (everybody) worries that our failures and problems are unique to us. If only we weren’t so scared to talk about them then we would see that we all have the same fears of failure and it’s normal to worry, stress and feel uneasy. To overcome this, we need to decide if we are worried about this because of the short-term embarrassment and whether or not we are willing to be vulnerable enough to work through it for the greater good that awaits. The key message? Don’t dwell on your worries, say them aloud to be brave enough to move past the fear.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Considering Change

Change: (verb) make or become different; (noun) an act or process through which something becomes different.

To consider the current time as a bit of a change is a bit of an understatement. COVID-19 has flipped life as we know it upside down and people everywhere are trying to grasp with what has become the new reality. For some of us the impact has been bigger than it has been for others. For some it has impacted on our lives more than we anticipated it would. Regardless of the level of change that has happened, there has been change nonetheless and as Mark Manson said above, “There is no such thing as change without pain, no growth without discomfort.”

Welcome to blog #13

This quote from Mark Manson resonated with me for a number of reasons. It has stayed with me for a few weeks now and triggered me to write this post. I think for one it articulated why change is so hard. I also know that change is something I have struggled with in the past. The change process itself requires us to alter the norm, disrupt the routine and remove the safety that comes from the familiar. We are thrown into a state of discomfort and I think for many of us, that is why we avoid it. The beginning of the world-wide pandemic that is COVID-19 has forced all of us into a state of discomfort and that also creates a sense of vulnerability. If you know anything about vulnerability, you will know that when we are vulnerable we are essentially surrendering ourselves to a feeling of uncertainty which can be a good thing if we are feeling courageous or really scary if we are not.

The speed at which change has occurred during this pandemic was unprecedented and ruthless. It took most of us by surprise and therefore made it difficult to be prepared for it.

But change doesn’t have to equal bad. Although unexpected, if given the opportunity, this could unearth a new way of thinking, working, communicating and a new sense of self. It is when we are forced to make a change, that new possibilities can emerge.

I think this quote from Mark Manson reminds us that with this change we have to accept loss. Through this process we are evolving and adapting and with that we are having to let go of the past and accept the future is going to be different. Letting go of what is comfortable and familiar is not easy; but it is possible.

Brene Brown often talks about the stories we tell ourselves and this is also true when it comes to change. If we sit with the story that this is going to be difficult, hard, not fair… then we are closing our mind to the possibility that this change could bring with it something positive. Brene talks about the concept of ‘owning our stories’ which means “reckoning with our feelings and rumbling with our dark emotions- our fear, anger, aggression, shame and blame.” So much of this is true when it comes to accepting change. If we take some time to rumble with what is happening, what is triggering the thoughts and emotions, then we have a chance to change the narrative instead of keeping the same story on repeat.

There has also been an idea shared online about not yearning for the past because we will never be going back to ‘the way things were’. In a sense this is true. We have all been affected by this change. We have all grown from this, experienced a different way of life; we are stronger, wiser and we can now to take this with us into the future.

I’m going to finish my blog today on the most important thing about change.

We must have dialogue.

It is even more important now than it ever has been before to keep the dialogue open and honest. Talk to someone about how you are feeling, what you are worried about and what you are learning. Be vulnerable to say what is on your mind and see what you think about it when you say it aloud. Validate your thoughts through conversation and rumble with the ideas that come out.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Rising Strong’ by Brene Brown and the Instagram post from Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F**k!”