COVID-19 Shame

*“Shame is the fear of being unworthy of love, connection and belonging… it say’s you are a bad person”* Brene Brown.

COVID-19 hit me without notice. I was fine and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. Within the first 24 hours I could feel constant waves of sickness run across my body. The fever had parts of my body feeling like they were on fire, while others were freezing. I was breaking out into cold-sweats while also looking for a blanket to keep warm. My body ached all over but it was my face that felt the worst. Every part of my face felt enlarged, my temples swollen. My nose was running non-stop and within the first few hours, half a box of tissues had been used and discarded. My head and throat felt pain, whilst my chest felt tight and restricted. My heart felt like it was sporadically racing.

My body was trying to cope with what was thrust upon it. An unfortunate illness that entered my body regardless of the careful way in which I tried to protect it. I am vaccinated, I am always cleaning my hands and keeping my distance from others, and I have been wearing a mask when in public. Theoretically, I know it’s not my fault I have COVID-19, I’m just unlucky. But the shame of having COVID-19 is almost just as debilitating as the physical pain of the symptoms.

My hope with this blog post is to share a side of this that we haven’t yet heard; the voice of someone diagnosed with COVID-19. I want to share this as a way to share how serious this can be and how easily it can happen. I did not take this serious enough. I followed the rules but also had the attitude of “it’ll probably happen and we will all get it…” but now I can see how harmful this is to both you and those around you.

In the first few moments of realising I was sick, I started to worry. I was making a list of everyone I had seen in the days leading up to the sickness. The shame of having to explain to each of them that I now have this pandemic; this illness that has swept the world and instils fear in many of us is not information I want to share with my closest and most important people, but I knew that I must share this to keep them safe.

When I could, I made contact with the Public Health Line to seek advice around testing. It was the start of a new way of dealing with this given the large number of unnecessary tests. As I was showing symptoms, I was first required to collect a Rapid Allergen Test (RAT). Within minutes, it showed a positive test result. This was not a good sign given that the instructions in the box inform you that it could take up to 15 minutes for a positive test result to show and mine was almost instant. Stage 2; have this verified with a PCR test at the local drive-in testing clinic. An experience not easy to complete when you feel awful and have to sit in your car for nearly an hour. The heat from the outside was making it truly uncomfortable and the constant need to blow your nose making it difficult to sit still. My body repeated the hot and cold sensations with thanks to the fever still in control of my body and at the same time as trying to remain calm and answer the questions correctly for the staff at the testing clinic.

A number of different people spoke to me during this time. First someone to check my name and date of birth. Then someone to check my address, phone number, name and date of birth. Finally someone to check my name, date of birth and to administer the test. Given the positive RAT test, I was told this COVID test would be made a priority with results shared that afternoon. I was then reminded to go home and isolate.

It’s incredible what your brain will do when it has time to think. Driving home I started to think about all of the possible interactions that could happen and the potential for this to spread while I made the 8 minute journey back to home. If I had a car accident, if I was pulled over by the Police, if I broke down. A small sense of panic washed over me as I realised I needed to get home and stop the spread of this any further. Then, later that night, the SMS read that I had tested positive for COVID-19 and must remain in isolation until further information was provided.

Thankfully for me, the symptoms of COVID-19 have been relatively mild after that first horrific 24 hours. Days later I still have shocking headaches, trouble breathing, moments of a racing heart beat, and parts of my face that feel swollen; but I am able to sustain focus much better now and require less pain relief.

The thing I’m finding most difficult at the moment is COVID-shame. COVID-shame is the feeling of being dirty. It’s the feeling that you have done something wrong to catch this (like touched a door handle or taken your mask off). It’s feeling like you are the person to blame for any sickness someone may now get. It’s feeling like all of this is your fault when people panic or stress when you tell them that you are positive with this. It’s the feeling of guilt because you attended those drinks, that lunch, the gathering all the while thinking you were well and healthy- but apparently you were not. It’s the fact you feel like you have put others in danger. It’s the ‘them’ and ‘you’ mentality. It’s worrying about what other people may think. This is COVID-shame.

With the case numbers now so high there is a likely chance someone I have made contact with could easily contract the virus from someone else, but that doesn’t change the story that I’m telling myself that this could have been avoided if I had of stayed away.

Many people ask where did I get it from? The answer is simply “I have no idea!” I have been so careful. I have hardly left the house for things that are not essential. I have spent less than 4 hours with people (the current requirement to be classed as a close contact with someone or for a venue to be named a hot-spot), but I still got it.

We all have a part to play with this. We must enact the COVID-19 safe measures we have been told to do: hand-washing, mask-wearing, distancing, vaccinations and testing. We also have to take responsibility for our actions. If we are going to have a meeting, gathering or interaction then we may put ourselves in a situation of contracting COVID-19. This is the reality of our current situation and not the fault of one individual. COVID-19 is invisible. It could be anywhere and we just can’t see it.

As someone who has been working really hard to improve their mental health and perfectionism in recent years, I fear for the impact of COVID-shame will have on those that are not ready for it.

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: “What will people think?”

Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown, 2021.

Stay safe.

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The Language to Connect

*“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes.” Dr. Brene Brown.*

I was so incredibly excited to know Brene Brown was publishing a new book. After devouring her previous books and finding strength and hope from her book “Daring Greatly”, I just knew this book would have something in it that would resonant with me. But this was a different book to any of her others. This book captures the 87 different emotions and behaviours that define what it means to be human and gives us the language to name them and the self-awareness to know when they are happening.

The reason why this is so important is because it’s only when we have shared meaning, a common language and an ability to navigate our way through both our own and someone else’s emotions, that we can find connection. Without this ability to identify an emotion in others we are truly playing a guessing game when trying to connect. If we can identify the emotion in ourselves, we also have the power to control it.

Welcome to blog #18.

Life seems to keep challenging me to consider the way I hold myself and interact with others. As Principal of a school, I am inevitably going to be exposed to and required to interact with a lot of different people, and I really enjoy this. Interestingly, I am finding my interpersonal skills are equally required within non-work related situations and I am constantly considering the way I am showing up and engaging with others. As a deeply reflective person, I am often thinking about these interactions and wondering what worked well? Why was that easier or harder than expected? How could I have handled that differently?

What I am often coming back to is the notion that we don’t know what we don’t know. I’m becoming more aware of the situations when people are sharing their ideas and providing opinions on things that they have no knowledge about. Sometimes, that is by choice. But often this is through a lack of education or exposure to this idea/ concept and so the opinions formed are simply based on unsubstantiated opinions. Remaining curious long enough to consider this is the challenge. Before making an assumption about someone’s opinion, I am trying to hold judgement long enough to consider if this person has had the same experiences and exposure to this as I have and considering the place that they are coming from this. (Guidepost: Assume positive intent).

“Atlas of the Heart” by Dr. Brene Brown is a glossary of the 87 different emotions and behaviours that have surfaced from her research and provides us with the language to identify, understand and then manage these emotions both within ourselves and others. In a way, Brene sees this like a map. A map of our hearts. She sees this information as a map to guide us through our relationships (which is at the heart of our being). At the heart of it (no pun intended), the book is about having a shared language and understanding.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brown writes:

“When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited. Without accurate language, we struggle to get the help we need, we don’t always regulate or manage our emotions and experiences in a way that allows us to move through them productively, and our self-awareness is diminished. Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.”

As an educator, I have been cultivating my ability and awareness of reacting to situations that could trigger a negative reaction from the person sharing something with me. When someone is sharing something with you, they are truly vulnerable. They are sharing what they know (or believe) and although this may not always be right, the way we react can either affirm someones sense of self, or deflate it. Once someone starts talking, they are opening themselves up to criticism and judgement.

The more I learn about myself, the more confident I am with being the person that values supporting others. To do this well, I need to ensure my reactions to others avoid eliciting a shame response. Shame is a dangerous emotion that is unhelpful for building a positive relationship and connection with someone. This brings me back to the idea that we don’t know what we don’t know. To respond in a way that initiates a shame response for someone who doesn’t know any different and who has not had the same experiences, education or information shared with them as I have does not align with my values.

After reading “Atlas of the Heart” I can now articulate the way I have been trying to develop as both a leader and as a decent human being.

Brene Brown writes:

“Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balance and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.”

In short, Brene would say: “I’m here to get it right, not to be right.”

Reading the section on humility resonated deeply. Over time I have been trying to present myself in a way that say’s: “Hey! I’m here! I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers but I have something to offer, something to share and together, we can help build knowledge and shared understanding.” As a recovering perfectionist, this is huge. Not only am I admitting I’m not perfect, I’m creating a culture where I value everyones contributions and calls for help.

I am certainly not perfect at humility. I am still at times ‘armouring up’ when I feel threatened or like I’m not meeting someones expectations- but I am growing and improving and enjoying the benefits from having a little more humility in my life and less of a focus on always being right, perfect, and worrying about what ‘they’ will think.

The title of this post, “The Language to Connect” comes from the undeniable need for us to have a shared understanding and shared language for us to connect in meaningful ways. It enables us to openly share and discuss with empathy, love and care, and value the contribution each of us brings to the connection. Atlas of the Heart is a great way to begin that journey and to see there is so much happening for each of us at any one time and that being mindful and open to this is important. We can never truly know what is happening for someone else, but we can ask them, and listen, and respond in a way that builds the connection instead of stopping it.

This blog post has been inspired by the book “Atlas of the Heart” by Dr Brene Brown.

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The Gift of Choice

*“In the end, it’s not what happens to us that matters most – it’s what we choose to do with it.” Dr Edith Eger.*

I was first introduced to clinical psychologists and Holocaust survivor, Dr Edith Eger after listening to the Unlocking Us podcast episode with Brene Brown titled: Recognising the Choices and Gifts in Our Lives. After the podcast had finished I went straight to the book store and purchased a copy of both The Gift and The Choice by Dr Edith Eger as I felt compelled to know more.

The podcast once again helped me to understand a concept that I was unable to articulate. It disrupted my thinking and challenged me to consider the freedom that comes from recognising the choices we can make, even when we feel the burden of a challenge. This episode reiterated the importance of how we perceive situations and reinforce that it’s not necessarily what happens to us that matters the most, but the way we react to a situation that can have lasting effects.

Welcome to blog #17.

Challenges, bad things, trauma… they will happen to all of us at some point in our lives but some people are able to cope when these things happen better than others. As a Recovering Perfectionist, I’m constantly reflecting on the situations that have happened to me and consider what I could have done differently to try to make things easier, better and how a better outcome could have been achieved if I had of acted differently. Although self-reflection is a good quality to have, regret and wishing to change the past can be damaging and sometimes I find myself fixated on situations to the point where it induces a range of negative self-talk thoughts and emotions.

In The Gift, Eger writes:

“Regret is the wish to change the past. It’s what we experience when we can’t acknowledge that we’re powerless, that something already happened, that we can’t change a single thing.”

When we spend time and energy within a state of regret we are perpetuating the idea that we are powerless, that we ‘should have’ done this, or ‘should have’ known better and we are stripping ourselves of the one thing we do have… the freedom to stop playing that story on repeat.

‘the power of freedom is the power to choose’…

One of the key lessons Eger shares is the ability to identify the ‘mental prisons’ we are locking ourselves into. She explains that a mental prison is where we take away our freedom to make choices that could release us from this trauma. It’s a place where we hold ourselves within a confined mental state, almost as a way to punish ourselves and therefore unable to see another perspective. She goes on to explain that the only way forward, the only way to unlock ourselves from these mental prisons is to consider the choices we have to see things differently. With the more choices we have, the more empowered we feel and then the greater our ability to move forward.

Eger explains why this concept is so powerful when she writes about the notion of learned helplessness. She explains that this is a condition that we suffer from when we have no efficacy in our lives and when we believe that nothing we do will improve the outcome. The way to overcome this is to develop learned optimism which is the strength, resilience and an ability to create meaning and consider the direction of our lives.

Learned optimism will give us the power to unlock the mental prison we might find ourselves in and give us the freedom to consider the various choices we have to move forward. But, learned optimism does not come naturally to all of us and when things are difficult for us, it can be hard to see through the fog of despair to the clarity of options. This is where some tools and strategies can be handy.

Each of us will carry our own set of tools and strategies to help us when we are down. For some this could be anything from a place you like to go to, a routine you like to follow, a song or movie you need to hear, a space for exercise… but for me it’s about coming back to my learning about vulnerability and courage. For me, I have to remind myself to be courageous and vulnerable and speak to someone that can help me gain some clarity on the options I am currently unable to see.

Recenlty I was confronted with a situation that caused me to step into a mental prison of self-doubt and negative self-talk. I was triggered by an experience in the past and I was unable to clearly see reason. I knew my thinking was not rational but I was unable to break the pattern. The first step for me when this started was to identify that I am in a mental prison and I want to break free. I then reached out and contacted a friend of mine and said “I know this is not a reasonable thought, but it’s happening and I need help to move past it, can you help me?”

Being honest and vulnerable about my feelings and emotions have been central to moving through challenging times. The power this has given me is immense and I’m so grateful for this learning. I truly hope that by sharing this with you, it will help you to be stronger, kinder to yourself and more empowered.

This blog post has been inspired by the book “The Gift” by Edith Eger and the podcast episode on Unlocking Us by Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-dr-edith-eger-on-recognizing-the-choices-and-gifts-in-our-lives/

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The Dreaded ‘D’ Word… Delegation.

delegation: (n) the assignment of authority to another person to carry out specific activities… (so like… not doing them yourself!)

As a recovering perfectionist, the idea of delegation can cause nightmares. The definition itself screams a lack of control and the potential to have no influence in the work that is about to be undertaken. If you think that when I refer to delegation I’m only referring to a position of leadership or management, you are wrong. I’m even talking about the kind of delegation where you might let your partner or friend make the coffee for you or mow the lawns. Everyday tasks that to most trigger no second thought, but to a perfectionist, can be anxiety provoking and learning to overcome this has been an incredibly difficult challenge.

Welcome to blog #16.

There are a couple of things that people don’t realise when it comes to delegation. One, if a perfectionist (or recovering perfectionist) delegates even the smallest of tasks to you, you should feel privileged and proud. We are essentially telling you that we trust you enough or like you enough that we will deal with the anxiety and challenge of having you do something that we would prefer to do ourselves. The second is that when people keep telling us we need to ‘learn to delegate more’ they have no idea the difficulty they are asking of us. We don’t want to feel like we have to do everything. We don’t set out to be this way. But our minds are telling us that if we want something done right, we need to do it ourselves.

Rational? Nope! Easy to change? Nope! Am I getting better? Yes… slowly.

Being blessed with a perfectionist mindset also makes it incredibly hard to listen to others when they are sharing their challenges or thinking. Essentially what is happening when someone starts talking, the perfectionists brain starts problem solving. As soon as I get enough information from the person that is talking, I begin formulating my response and projecting my plan to support this person and help them to improve in the area they are sharing. Yes, another side effect of the dreaded perfectionist brain is that we think we have an answer for everything.

I hadn’t really considered this particular trait that much until I recently read an incredibly powerful paragraph in the text “Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone” by Brene Brown.

On page 82 I read this:

“One of the most essential steps in this transformative communication, and perhaps the most courageous, is not only to be open-minded, but to listen with desire to learn more about the other person’s perspective… and then we have to listen. Really listen. Listen to understand, not about agreeing or disagreeing. We have to listen to understand in the same way we want to be understood.”

This paragraph shifted my thinking immensely. The concept of listening to understand without the need to formulate and prepare a response was a completely new idea to me. I expend so much energy trying to prepare responses when someone is talking to me that I often miss so much of what they are actually saying.

For the past year I have been consciously reminding myself to “listen to learn, not to respond” and trying hard to be present and actively listening during my interactions with others. This is not always easy- actually most of the time it is really difficult, but I think it’s equally as important to ensure everyone feels heard – after all they have selected you as the important person to share this information with, so if nothing else, listen.

This blog today is not really a celebration of what has been ‘achieved’ but an acknowledgement of the effort and thinking that has happened to embrace change, even when it’s hard. By no means am I a recovered perfectionist, but with awareness and enlightenment I am working towards it and that is worth writing about.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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When help is hard to ask for.

*Help: (verb) to make it easier or possible for someone to do something.*

“Help” has not been the first thing I would think of when something has been challenging. ”I can do it …” is a phrase I’ve replayed to myself time and time again; even when I couldn’t… but why? To feel in control? To feel successful? To prove a point? But what I end up doing is making things more difficult for myself than they really need to be. This image of Piglet and Pooh captures this perfectly. Pooh responds to the ‘bravest thing he has ever said’ by saying he would simply asked for help. The irony here is that it’s not simple. It takes an incredibly brave person to be vulnerable enough to say ‘I’m not sure what I’m doing here, can I please have some help?’ and to accept the help that is being offered to them.

Welcome to blog #15.

Somewhere along the way we created a story. A narrative that says that if we ask for help it reflects as a weakness. I’m guilty of this. I would prefer to feel the stress of not understanding or not knowing how to cope than to show a weakness and a need to ask for support. This narrative is ludicrous. One of the biggest concerns for me is how deeply ingrained this narrative is, even though I’m consciously acting against it.

This quote resonates deeply within me. Too often I worry about the things that have not happened yet but sit in the suffering of my own imagination. Often the reality is very different and yet I’ve spent all of this time worrying about something that didn’t even happen. This is another part of the story we tell ourselves.

I’m currently reading the latest book by Mark Manson: Everything is F*cked; A Book About Hope. Similar to his first book, Mark refers to values and suggests how some of the behaviours we have developed have stemmed from something irrational. Here’s a quote to summarise how the narratives we develop and the narrative we tell ourselves can influence our lives.

_{“These narratives we invent for ourselves around what’s important and what’s not, what is deserving and what is not- these stories stick with us and define us, they determine how we fit ourselves in to the world and with each other. They determine how we feel about ourselves- whether we deserve a good life or not, whether we deserve to be loved or not, whether we deserve success or not- and they define what we know and understand about ourselves.” Mark Manson.}

The narrative is just a story. A story that we have developed to explain something that we are trying to work out. Often our stories are developed based on something we see or hear someone else do, and we then think this is the ‘right way to do it’… but the truth is, we are all trying to work this stuff out.

This year, more than any, I have been the most vulnerable I have ever been. Starting the year in a new position at work, in a new community and without my usual support network has required me to reflect on the type of person I wanted to be. I knew that in order to build respect and a culture of mistakes being evidence of learning; I needed to lead by example. Where possible, I try to help myself when I’m confused or unsure, but more times than not you will find me sending an email or making a call to ask for help. This might seem insignificant, but it has required a deliberate effort to change the narrative I was telling myself that ‘asking for help is admitting a weakness’ and rewrite this story to ‘asking for help demonstrates vulnerability and growth, two things I highly value!’

What I would like to see is that as a community we change the narrative where seeking support is valued and seen as an act of learning and not at all an act of weakness.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Embarrassment is part of success.

*Success: (noun) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose*

Once upon a time you would never have seen me wearing a pink jumper! You would never have seen me shopping in the ‘female’ section in a clothing store and you most certainly wouldn’t have heard me telling the truth to a shop keeper when I ask them for a larger size of a pink ladies jumper so that I can wear it. However, the weekend before Mother’s Day that’s exactly what happened. I was determined to have a bright pink jumper for an important walk I do each year with my Mum for Mother’s Day and I honestly didn’t care what people thought about it. But how did I get to that point? What’s changed?

Welcome to blog #14.

What others think of us can be incredibly debilitating. To a recovering perfectionist; the way others think of us is often the decider for our actions and decisions. We want to please others but even more so, we want approval. Those of us that are constantly challenged by perception are always second guessing our choices. What we wear, the way we speak, the decisions we make, what we eat, drink, do… always wondering what other people will think of our choices. If this sounds like you, I am so sorry. I know how hard it can be to do the most simple of tasks. The good news is that help is out there and you can learn to have a greater level of control over this, however; it’s a constant battle and something I am still grappling with. I have good days but also many challenging days and sometimes I just have to ride the wave of anxiety until it passes.

A prime is example is going to a bar. For years I have been worried about the drink I will order when I’m at a bar. I’m not a beer drinker but it is socially acceptable for a guy to order a beer at a bar. Personally, I’d prefer a nice white wine but every time I would order one in public, I would feel judged and humiliated by the bar staff, anyone that was listening and sometimes even by the people I am with. But here is a very important lesson… if you feel judged or humiliated by the choices you make by the people you are actually with… they are not the people you should be with.

One thing I have learned from this pain is the importance of communication. For goodness sake just speak. If you are worried about something or if you are second guessing a conversation you’ve had; a reaction from someone you are worried about, just say something. The worst thing that someone can do is play the event over and over in their head. This is torture and honestly, it’s self-sabotage. The event becomes bigger than it actually was, the events seem worse than they actually are and we begin to tell ourselves that this is all our own fault and we will never get past it. Before it gets to this point, be brave, be vulnerable and say “this is the story I’m telling myself…. is that true?”

So how does communication help with the pink jumper scenario? Well for one thing, I talked about what I was doing. You might consider this ‘testing the situation’ with others. I told the people close to me that I was intending to buy a bright pink jumper to wear on Mother’s Day and closely watched their reaction. When it was positive, I felt a sense of calm. I then reflected on this and thought to myself ‘who am I actually doing this for? Am I doing it for other people, or for my Mum and I?’ I think that’s when I realised I didn’t care anymore. I felt brave enough to speak up at the clothing store and be true to myself about what I needed and why and nothing bad came from this.

What this blog really comes down to is our values. If we really care about other people and making a moment special for them, we won’t let the perception of others interfere with it. We will rise above the negativity and stupidity because we know our purpose is true and authentic.

If you don’t follow Mark Manson on Instagram, I would strongly encourage you to consider it. The frequency of his messages has increased and he often posts little ‘words of wisdom’ from his blogs and books.

This friendly reminder is really helpful to support what we have talked about here. We (everybody) worries that our failures and problems are unique to us. If only we weren’t so scared to talk about them then we would see that we all have the same fears of failure and it’s normal to worry, stress and feel uneasy. To overcome this, we need to decide if we are worried about this because of the short-term embarrassment and whether or not we are willing to be vulnerable enough to work through it for the greater good that awaits. The key message? Don’t dwell on your worries, say them aloud to be brave enough to move past the fear.

Thank you for reading this blog.

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Considering Change

Change: (verb) make or become different; (noun) an act or process through which something becomes different.

To consider the current time as a bit of a change is a bit of an understatement. COVID-19 has flipped life as we know it upside down and people everywhere are trying to grasp with what has become the new reality. For some of us the impact has been bigger than it has been for others. For some it has impacted on our lives more than we anticipated it would. Regardless of the level of change that has happened, there has been change nonetheless and as Mark Manson said above, “There is no such thing as change without pain, no growth without discomfort.”

Welcome to blog #13

This quote from Mark Manson resonated with me for a number of reasons. It has stayed with me for a few weeks now and triggered me to write this post. I think for one it articulated why change is so hard. I also know that change is something I have struggled with in the past. The change process itself requires us to alter the norm, disrupt the routine and remove the safety that comes from the familiar. We are thrown into a state of discomfort and I think for many of us, that is why we avoid it. The beginning of the world-wide pandemic that is COVID-19 has forced all of us into a state of discomfort and that also creates a sense of vulnerability. If you know anything about vulnerability, you will know that when we are vulnerable we are essentially surrendering ourselves to a feeling of uncertainty which can be a good thing if we are feeling courageous or really scary if we are not.

The speed at which change has occurred during this pandemic was unprecedented and ruthless. It took most of us by surprise and therefore made it difficult to be prepared for it.

But change doesn’t have to equal bad. Although unexpected, if given the opportunity, this could unearth a new way of thinking, working, communicating and a new sense of self. It is when we are forced to make a change, that new possibilities can emerge.

I think this quote from Mark Manson reminds us that with this change we have to accept loss. Through this process we are evolving and adapting and with that we are having to let go of the past and accept the future is going to be different. Letting go of what is comfortable and familiar is not easy; but it is possible.

Brene Brown often talks about the stories we tell ourselves and this is also true when it comes to change. If we sit with the story that this is going to be difficult, hard, not fair… then we are closing our mind to the possibility that this change could bring with it something positive. Brene talks about the concept of ‘owning our stories’ which means “reckoning with our feelings and rumbling with our dark emotions- our fear, anger, aggression, shame and blame.” So much of this is true when it comes to accepting change. If we take some time to rumble with what is happening, what is triggering the thoughts and emotions, then we have a chance to change the narrative instead of keeping the same story on repeat.

There has also been an idea shared online about not yearning for the past because we will never be going back to ‘the way things were’. In a sense this is true. We have all been affected by this change. We have all grown from this, experienced a different way of life; we are stronger, wiser and we can now to take this with us into the future.

I’m going to finish my blog today on the most important thing about change.

We must have dialogue.

It is even more important now than it ever has been before to keep the dialogue open and honest. Talk to someone about how you are feeling, what you are worried about and what you are learning. Be vulnerable to say what is on your mind and see what you think about it when you say it aloud. Validate your thoughts through conversation and rumble with the ideas that come out.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Rising Strong’ by Brene Brown and the Instagram post from Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F**k!”

Happiness: more than a feeling

*Happiness: in the deepest sense is not a feeling state or a succession of pleasures, but a deep sense of well-being and an appreciation for life itself, with all of the mystery and changes.*

“Happiness comes to those that wait” is a phrase that I could not stand. This notion of not being in control and the need to ‘wait your turn’ for something good to happen has always seemed absurd to me. It is also through all of my reading and personal discovery that I’ve also learned that true happiness can only be achieved through the alignment of living into your values. It is when this occurs that we can feel a true sense of happiness and not just a short lived experience that we can get from material objects and experiences. But for me I had forgotten what true happiness felt like until the beginning of this year when I started in a new position at work doing what I feel I was born to do and with that strong alignment to my core values, I have felt immense happiness and contentment. This blog is to inspire you to find your happiness.

Welcome to blog #12.

The past few weeks have been a polar opposite to the weeks prior. I was feeling lost, depressed, anxious and without purpose. My identity was shaken. I felt weak and vulnerable and fairly close to hitting rock bottom with my emotions. I had been fighting to escape an experience I didn’t want to go back to and felt worthless at the constant knock backs and barriers I was challenged by. This may sound like a dramatic retelling of events, and it wouldn’t be the first time I was accused of telling a story with dramatic embellishments, but this was a time of great stress and pain as I felt lost and disconnected.

It was through the work of Brene Brown and her book Rising Strong, as well as from watching Dr Russ Harris with his YouTube video about the human brain and how we naturally create psychological suffering with thanks to our biology, that I started to see things differently. It is through this education and new understanding that I’ve learned to process my thoughts and feelings and look for ways to improve. Dr Russ Harris gave me the information to understand the complex history and evolution of our brains which explained why it was so difficult to stop myself from worrying. Brene Brown has given me the hope from her book Rising Strong to see the challenges I face as opportunities. This was apparent from the first page when she writes:

‘To the brave and brokenhearted who have taught us how to rise after a fall. Your courage is contagious.’

It is that second line that resonated with me the most: ‘Your courage is contagious’ and it really was. It is from Brene’s research and stories that I’ve learned I too can be courageous and that has helped me in both a personal and professional life. The courage of the research participants to share how they were vulnerable and brave and share their stories has given me the hope to find a better way to be and enact this courage as part of my work.

A few things have really come to the forefront for me in the past few months. One is about the courage to admit when things are not working and to seek a solution or to find an alternative- this is not a weakness, it’s having true strength. Another is around aligning what you do to your values so that you can have a sense of fulfilment and joy; and finally the last is about good leadership.

Simon Sinek shared this message in one of his YouTube videos about leadership:

‘good leaders make you feel safe’

Safe… at first this seemed like an interesting choice of words. When I think of the qualities of a leader, safe wouldn’t necessarily be at the top of the list. But when you think about it, that’s exactly what a good leader should do. With a sense of safety comes the courage to be creative, take risks and strive for success without fear of failure or judgment. I feel blessed to have had some amazing leaders in my life that have supported me, encouraged me and made me feel safe and these are the qualities I try to live as a leader of my own team.

If nothing else, I feel privileged to be reminded of the feeling of true happiness once again and I am hopeful that everyone who is lost, sad or worried can once again find a way to live into their values and find what they need to become truly happy. Sometimes the first step is to acknowledge you deserve better than you’ve currently got.

Some of you might be wondering ‘where do I start?’ and my answer would be to ask yourself what truly drives you? What makes you want to get up in the morning? With that realisation you can then begin to align yourself to your values and feel that sense of purpose that makes it all worth while.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on the subscribe link to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by Rising Strong by Brene Brown and The Happiness Trap: Evolution of the Human Mind by Dr Russ Harris (YouTube).

Time to Rumble

Rumble: (verb) to move or travel with such a sound.

To read Brene Brown’s books is one thing, but to put her principles and concepts into action; well, that’s another thing altogether. To rumble with something may sound peculiar to those that are not familiar with Brene’s work and it doesn’t mean some sort of football thing like running and trying to grab a ball… and it doesn’t mean to hurt someone else… it means to stick with the tricky, stay curious even when it’s challenging and push ideas back and forth until you can come to a shared understanding.

“Dare to Lead: The Call to Courage” is a two day workshop that invites you to do just that, to rumble with new learning, to be vulnerable and experience discomfort, to define and articulate your values, to learn how to trust and to uncover the skills to rise above challenge. Yes, that’s a right, a lot to rumble with!

Welcome to blog #11.

If you are worried this post is going to be a recount of the two day professional learning workshop I have just completed, don’t worry, it’s not. Instead I want to focus on a couple of the ideas that I’ve had to rumble with to better understand myself and what that means to be a courageous leader. I think one of the first learnings for me is that leadership qualities are not reserved for those that have a title. They are dispositions, ways of living and being that emulate from a person who is courages, grounded, brave and true to their values. I was reminded of the ‘sphere of influence’ many times across this workshop and regardless of how many people you directly influence, you have the potential for someone else to see how authentic and great you are.

Early in my career, I couldn’t comprehend the notion that ‘leadership is not just a title.’ But what I’ve come to learn and what was reiterated through this workshop is that it is the person that has leadership qualities and those leadership qualities can be enacted and displayed at any position.

When you think about it, good leadership is:

someone you can trust
someone who is authentic and true to themselves
someone who is vulnerable and can admit when they are wrong
someone who encourages you to be the best you can be
someone who supports you

…aren’t they just qualities of a good person?

I guess my point here is not to over simplify the role of a leader as I know it is more complex than that… but at it’s heart, daring leaders are not just people who have a leadership title, they are people who have leadership qualities and that can be all of us.

Another concept that was explored was that of the SFD… also known as the ‘shitty first draft.’ I’ve spoken about this before in previous blogs, the story you tell yourself when you hear or see something. This is the inner-monologue that begins to try and explain what is happening or fill the gaps when information is missing. The reason I bring this up again is because it was further explored in this workshop and I’ve now learned more about how this can impact on us.

We were asked to think of a challenging time and write down the SFD. What was the inner story you were telling yourself no matter how ridiculous it may seem now? Then we were asked to go back and read it. What does this tell you about yourself?

What I learned from doing this is that my SFD is on constant repeat, no matter what the situation is. My default is the same: not good enough, should have done better, no one will like you. I was able to write down my SFD in minutes because it’s so familiar to me. When I read it back, I got really emotional. I tell myself the same story no matter how far from the truth it might be and without any hesitation. The power of knowing your SFD is knowing that when it’s happening that there is more to the story and this is just your mind trying to fill in the gaps with the story it knows. When you have this knowledge, you have the power to change the narrative. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have for this? What did that person actually do or say? Am I making an assumption based on little to no facts?

To be a leader we are going to be faced with challenge, that’s part of the job. We know that this requires courage to be vulnerable and say ‘hey, I’m here and I’m trying’ and there will be those that will try to bring you down. To be honest, does leadership have anything to do with this? Isn’t this the same for everyone? I’ve learned so much this year through my personal journey and from reading the many books Brene Brown has published, but one thing I’m proud of is that I’m now courageous enough to lean into my values, stay curious when challenged and rumble with my SFD when I’m not feeling my best until I can be sure of the facts.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown.

Society’s Expectations

“The key to success is to start before you are ready” – Marie Forleo

This is an imagine of a random Facebook post that I have recently read. I hit the like button at first to acknowledge I agreed but then moments later I went back and turned my ‘like’ into a ‘love’ after realising how much I believe in this. I think the message in this image is really important and unfortunately it has taken me too many years to learn this.

Welcome to blog #10.

As a recovering perfectionist I remember growing up with an unspoken pressure to achieve certain goals and to be a certain way. The best thing I could do, was to exceed expectations… but not deviate away from them. I felt an enormous pressure to act a certain way, speak in a particular way and be a certain way- all to make someone else happy. To be honest, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this, but it is an exhausting way to live. This required constant acting, constant self-awareness and making adjustments to my behaviour based on the feedback and comments from others. Although living your life in this way brings to question your authenticity; unfortunately, too many of us are still feeling the burden of society’s expectations and the expectations of others… and that has to change.

If you grew up in the 80’s (or anytime before that), you’ll know exactly what the above image is talking about. It’s the unspoken expectations that you’ll achieve certain goals, life events or milestones at particular times of your life. I can vividly remember people commenting on how ‘old’ someone was and how they can’t believe they are not “insert expectation here”. The pressure that these expectations puts on us is daunting. What this does is not inspire people to be great, but arouse feelings of anxiety and stress when these expectations seem unable to be achieved or out of reach… or, just not desirable.

I grew up with the unspoken expectation to be successful. To achieve this, society expectations made me feel like I needed to have the following:

a good job and reasonable income
to be married
have children
a nice home
good savings and a strong work ethic

As a very young person, I believed these expectations would bring about a happy life. It felt like the ‘right thing to do’ was to make sure I achieved all of these goals by the expected age and maybe even exceed those expectations… but I also knew deep down that not meeting these expectations would bring great shame to both me and my loved ones. The problem was, I also knew at an early age that I would not be married and I would not have children because I knew I was born different and later labeled this as being gay.

For many years I tried to fight this. I’ve tried to ignore the truth and I’ve tried to act ‘straight’ to avoid the pain of admitting who I was and the fact I would not reach or achieve the expectations society had set out for us. Although it might sound dramatic, this internal torment was gut-wrenching and it’s a feeling I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel- the feeling that you are a constant disappointment or a mistake.

I think it was because I didn’t know any different that I just accepted this as normal. It wasn’t until I had a traumatic experience and started to see a psychologist that I realised how much of my perfectionism was tied to this feeling of shame.

It wasn’t until I uncovered this with the psychologist that I realised how these ridiculous societal expectations are not essential for happiness or to having a successful life. When you think about the necessities for life we need food, water, shelter and some would also argue ‘love’ as basic human requirements. The rest are ideals constructed by society that have no actual substance to our existence. This realisation was monumental for me. It was the moment I gave myself permission to consider an alternative matrix for happiness. Although this sounds like it should be easy to comprehend, it was a new way of thinking and it required some long and difficult processing.

Brene Brown explains this well when she writes:

‘the same way you feel a muscle “burn” when it’s being strengthened, the brain needs to feel some discomfort when it’s learning.’

Happiness is not achieved just by jumping through the expected life milestones… happiness is reached by achieving and enacting your values, by feeling needed and important, and by feeling a sense of personal achievement. For me, happiness is achieved through empowering others and feeling like I’ve contributed to something bigger than myself.

Can we please destroy this idea that there is an expectation to ‘do things’ by a certain age and instead show kindness to each other without judgement. Let’s celebrate the good, show empathy for those that struggle and reward the focus on growth and attempts to be better.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the above quote and by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown.