The Stories We Tell

How many times have you heard or seen something and before you know it your brain has developed a little story that explains it? Sometimes the story can be so elaborate and so convincing that it can evoke a strong emotional response and sometimes even a reaction. But how many times have you been wrong because your brain decided on a story that might seem pretty good but is purely based on initial assumptions and a lack of facts?

The stories we tell ourselves are not only potentially harmful to our relationships with others, they can be harmful to ourselves. We can become so good at telling stories that we can create personal narratives that are not based on facts and all of a sudden we can tell ourselves things that aren’t true. These stories, this internal dialogue, can be so powerful they change our demeanour and how we see ourselves.

Welcome to blog #9

Not long ago I was caught out on a story. I had sent a friend a text message to say ‘hi’ and hoping they would respond wanting to catch up with me. The response was not as I’d hoped… they were busy and so I started to tell myself a story. My story went something like: ‘of course they are busy, why would they have time for you? Maybe you could text someone else? But, why bother? They will probably be busy too. Come to think of it, do you have any friends? Does anyone really like you?… and the story went on.

To a recovering perfectionist, stories come way too easily. They are the proof that you could do better and be better. Sometimes the stories can be innocent, but sometimes they can dramatically change your emotional state and sense of self. A couple of weeks later I let my friend know how I was feeling and they made it really clear that none of this was true and it was obvious they were actually busy.

I recently participated in some professional learning that showed a model for why this happens. It’s called ‘the path to action’ and it looks something like this:

An example to illustrate this could be something like:

You see a Mercedes Benz parked on the street and a parking inspector printing a parking ticket to place on the car. You laugh and think to yourself ‘oh well, they can afford it.’

But let’s look at what you know- someone who was driving a car has to pay a parking ticket. We don’t know if the person has borrowed this nice car, if it’s on ridiculously high payments, if the person had to leave their car unmetered for an emergency… we just don’t know. We have made an assumption based on a tiny piece of information – it’s a nice car, they must have money.

I think this is human nature. I think we all do it. Our brains are pattern finders and they like to know the full story. But the problem can be when our stories make us feel a particular way and they change our view of ourselves or make us act in a way that we will regret.

I’ve recently been reading Brene Brown’s latest book: Dare to Lead. Brene explains that sometimes it can be hard to acknowledge that we are in fact telling ourselves a story because then we have to own up to it. When we acknowledge this might not be the truth, we then have to accept the reality and sometimes the reality can be harder to deal with.

Brene writes:

‘When we own a story and the emotion that fuels it, we get to simultaneously acknowledge that something was hard while taking control of how that hard thing is going to end. We change the narrative. When we deny a story and when we pretend we don’t make up stories, the story owns us.’

Making up stories is going to happen. But when they do we need to look at that story with a critical eye and ask ourselves, is that true? If it is true then that’s ok- we can own it. We can accept the story and the emotion that comes with it. But if it’s not true, then we need to remember to consider the facts and not let ourselves move into an emotional response or even an action response before we clarify a few things. Perhaps we need to get better at saying to someone … ‘hey, the story I’m telling myself at the moment is….am I making this up or is there some truth to this?’

When we own the story, we control the ending with the actual truth; not our possible truth.

Thank you for reading this blog. If you enjoyed the blog, don’t forget to click on subscribe to receive an email each time a new blog is uploaded.

This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by Brene Brown.

Getting to the heart of it.

***Definition*** *of perfectionism:*
noun: **perfectionism**
refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

As an educator I know that in order for us to learn and grow, we need to be challenged and stimulated with opportunities to develop our understanding. This is why I’ve spent so much time immersing myself into the work of Brene Brown and various authors who provide theory and insights into the way the human brain works and supporting me to develop a meta-awareness of my own mental health. Through this process, like with all learning, we find snippets of information and ideas that will confirm or challenge our understanding and slowly we peel back layers of confusion until we get to that ‘ah-ha!’ moment.

But sometimes we uncover something that digs so deep and resonants so strongly that it cuts through the layers of confusion and strikes at the heart of our wondering. We find the information that feels like it was written for us as it articulates perfectly the response we needed in that moment of time. It can sometimes be so profound that it makes you stop and reflect and think ‘wow, that answers it’ and it feels like we’ve reached the pinnacle of our journey.

This proverbial ‘sometimes’ moment happened to me recently and it felt like I was getting to the heart of what it has meant to feel the burden of being a perfectionist- and to be honest, it hurt.

Welcome to blog #8

Dare to Lead is the latest Brene Brown book that I’m devouring. From chapter one, I’ve been enthralled by her words and I’ve deeply related to the content. From page 78 though it started to get personal. It started with a reference to Daring Greatly (another book of hers), that said:

The Vulnerability Armory

‘As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions and behaviours as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realise that to live with courage, purpose and connection- to be the persons who we long to be- we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up and let ourselves be seen.’

The vulnerability armor was something I lugged around with me every day as a kid. I wanted so desperately for no-one to notice me, to just blend in and not get ‘picked-on’. The saddest part about this, is that I had so much to offer that most were unable to see until I became an adult- and even then, I’ve had many moments when I’ve picked up the vulnerability armor and tried it on again for good measure.

When I think about my role as an educator, I desperately want to stop children feeling like they need to wear armor like this. I want to sustain a culture that values difference and accepts people for who they are.

My vulnerability armor took on the form of perfectionism. It was through trying to be perfect I thought I would not be noticed. If I was perfect, then no one would criticise or need to torment me. It was through perfectionism that my family would be proud and questions would not be asked. In theory it doesn’t sound like the worst thing that could happen to someone, right? Trying to be perfect all the time must have its benefits? But Brene Brown got straight to the heart of it when she said:

‘perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence… it is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.’

Wow Brene… you got it. This page was getting to the heart of it. Reading page 79 forced me to reflect on my childhood, my adolescence and everything that has happened since. Perfectionism was my armor, happiness came second. If it wasn’t right and perfect, it was my fault and everyone would notice… or so I told myself.

In some ways, I feel like a fraud. This blog is titled: ‘a Recovering Perfectionist’ and I think reading this reminds me that recovering is different to recovered. I feel like I have come so far with my recovery from perfectionism (this blog is testament to that), but when we get to the heart of perfectionism; I feel like I’ve still got more to do in this space, more to learn and more recovery is needed.

I have a quote tattooed on my right arm. It reads:

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’

The quote is there for many reasons but one of them is to have a constant reminder of who is in control. We have the ability to accept or reject the love and pain that others want to share with us. As a recovering perfectionist I have to work hard every day to remember I have the ability to accept or ignore how others treat me; something that is often lost when we are overcome with perfectionism.

Thank you for reading my blog. The aim of this blog is to raise awareness, start conversations and to help others. I hope the journey to self discovery that I’m sharing here will not only help me to clarify my thinking, but support someone else that needs the same.

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This blog was inspired by the book: ‘Dare to Lead’ by author Brene Brown.

Unimaginable Kindness

**Definition** of unfathomable. : not capable of being fathomed: a : immeasurable. b : impossible to comprehend.

In the incredible children’s story, Mr Stink by David Walliams; the main character refers to many random acts of kindness as ‘unimaginable kindness’ and it’s a phase that has stuck with me since reading the novel many years ago. The phrase encapsulates this idea of ‘kindness beyond belief’ and something that almost seems exceptional or something we are not worthy of.

As a recovering perfectionist I have a great struggle with accepting kindness from others as my default thinking around this is a constant feeling of unworthiness- or something I’ve since discovered could be labelled ‘imposter syndrome’.

But recently I’ve been privy to some of this ‘unimaginable kindness’ and it has got me thinking… what constitutes unimaginable kindness? How does this impact on others? Does it always look the same?

Welcome to blog #7

Unimaginable kindness is the feeling that someone cares so much about you that it takes you by surprise. It’s the extravagant gift, the spontaneous cuddle or the verbal acknowledgment that you are important and you mean something to someone else and often it takes you by surprise.

All of these things have occurred to me in recent weeks, many of which is due to a change of employment that I’m about to begin. Perhaps it’s because I’m feeling nostalgic or I’m looking for a way to make sense of my emotions, but I’ve been hyper-vigilant to this kindness and how it makes me feel.

This week it started with a 5 year old that spotted me in the playground and spat out his food as he tried to say my name in excitement. It’s the 6 year old that spotted me out of the corner of his eye and spun around flinging his arms in the arm and shouting ‘hello’ with a glorious smile. It’s the beautiful friend that gave me a gift bag full of items, each with personalised labels to explain their relevance and connection each present had to our friendship. It’s the person that said a number of times ‘if I don’t see you, good luck, you’re going to be missed’ and the friend that remembered a conversation we had weeks before and gifted me with something she remembered was a favourite treat of mine. And, it’s the friend that drives for hours just to have lunch or dinner with me. It’s the friend that randomly invites you out for a coffee or dinner, just to spend time with you. Each and every one of these experiences has made me feel a moment of unimaginable kindness.

It has also dawned on me this week that these random acts of kindness are so special because they are unexpected. They happen in a moment or at a time when we least expect them and therefore when we don’t have any expectations. When we hold expectations for how something should be, we can also set ourselves up for disappointment when our expectations are not met.

On a few occasions this week, I felt disappointed due to my expectations not being met. In the moment it is hard not to feel disappointed but I had to tell myself that the other person didn’t know what I was expecting, how could they? So is it their fault that I’m feeling the way I am? Expectations can help us when we want to compare and see if we are getting a good deal or not, but they can also make us feel disappointed when our expectations are not met. This is a challenge for those of us that are ‘recovering perfectionists’ because often we not only have high expectations of ourselves but of others, too.

Unimaginable kindness can take your breath away and make you feel important, but it doesn’t always have to come from someone else. Being kind to ourselves is equally as important. When was the last time you acknowledged how hard you’re working? Or, how much you have on your plate? How kind have you been to others to the detriment of your own happiness? Sometimes we push so hard to make sure we are doing everything we can for others that we forget to be kind to ourselves as well. This could be as simple as buying dinner instead of trying to cook it when it’s already getting late, going for a walk at lunch time instead of working through it, or deciding to read a book instead of doing the housework. It’s ok to give yourself permission to be kind to yourself, too.

Thank you so much for reading my blog and to those that have shown me unimaginable kindness in recent weeks.

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Clarity through Connection

“It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship” – Anne Lamott.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I have an incredible network of amazing friends. A partner who is extremely patient and understanding, and the resources to seek support and guidance from professionals when it has been needed. I have lived through dark times and became stronger given the challenge. Getting clarity on what my triggers are and how to overcome my challenges has not been easy. It has taken years of researching and unsuccessful attempts before I would see a glimpse of success. For many of us (and I’m included in this), our journey towards clarity can often feel like we are invisible because we don’t fit the societal norm that appears to be functioning perfectly. This shame comes with a sense of isolation and disconnection, which we know feeds shame and makes it stronger.

Connection with others, being courageous and talking about your struggles and showing empathy towards others is one way we can seek clarity and build resilience during difficult times. Yes, I’m one of the lucky ones, because I have finally worked this out.

Welcome to blog # 6, and thank you for reading.

*“The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next” – Mignon McLaughlin.*

Clarity through connection is having the courage to speak to others and refuse to give shame the one thing it needs to survive- isolation. This is something that I mentioned in blog #4 but it has become even more evident in recent weeks for me. There has been a number of personal challenges that could have potentially left me feeling invisible. Brene Brown describes this as the following:

“Invisibility is about disconnection and powerlessness. When we don’t see ourselves reflected back in our culture, we feel reduced to something so small and insignificant that we’re easily erased from the world of important things.”

Becoming invisible is the easy option. Retreat from life, hide away and fester in our shame and our challenges.

But something different happened. This time I courageously spoke up. I talked to those that are close to me about my struggles, the way I was feeling and how I felt lost and needed clarity to move forward. The clarity came from the connection. It didn’t happen straight away, but with the more connections I made, the more people I spoke to, the clearer my thinking became.

Whilst reading the chapter in her book, “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)” by Brene Brown, I found a metaphor that helped explain this notion of ‘clarity through connection’ perfectly. Brene Brown uses the idea of zooming (like a camera lens) to explain what happens when we seek connection. Without connection, we are looking through a zoomed lens at ourselves. We can only see the moments that are playing in our heads and we are only listening to our self-doubt, worries and concerns. She says:

“When we are in shame, we just see our own struggle. As we zoom out, we start to see others engaged in similar struggles…. The comfort comes from recognising that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.”

By talking to others, by being vulnerable and sharing our struggles, we begin to remove the stigma that we are perfect and often we see we are not alone with our struggles. I had to realise that my friends and those that are close to me don’t just need to see the perfect me, they actually want to see the real me. The real me is easier to make a connection with, to relate to, and to be friends with. The real me is not perfect, I have struggles and with your help, I can work through them… AND, I want to do the same for you.

This blog post is all about connection. It’s about fostering and encouraging positive connections where we can share our struggles, have empathy for each other and comfort each other as we search for clarity to become a stronger sense of self.

Appreciation post: thank you everyone that has helped me- you now who you are. I may not say this very often, but you have no idea how important you are to me.

So, who is part of your network? Who can you trust whole-heartedly and be vulnerable with? Can you seek clarity through connection?

This blog was inspired by the book: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brene Brown.

Thank you for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert next time a blog is posted.

From Good to Great… Really?!

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress: Working hard for something we love is called passion.”
― **Simon Sinek**

Some people expect life to move from being good to great. Some people think that if ‘this’ happened (insert unrealistic goal here), then everything will be better and they will feel happy. This is why so many of us feel terrible when things don’t go the way we expected. We build up unrealistic expectations, set unreachable goals and then feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment and shame when we can’t reach them. Even worse is when we think we should be happy because we have reached our goals but we aren’t. The result; a staggering number of unhappy people.

Throughout that first paragraph, I kept referring to ‘some people’ but let’s be honest, this is really a paragraph about me. I’ve expected that my life would go from good to great because I deserve it. I work hard; I try my best; I push the limits and I’ve earned success. Right? Well, not really. Because life doesn’t go like that. So does that mean we should give up and stop trying? No way! But what it does mean is that we need to set ourselves realistic goals and expectations that are based on effort and not outcome and to remember that life isn’t a continuum from good to great, but more like a series of curves with ups and downs.

Welcome to blog post #5.

Mark Manson is one of the first authors that shifted my perspective. It was “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” that helped me understand so many of the emotional responses I had to situations and the feeling of depression and despair after something didn’t go as I expected.

For a perfectionist; it is difficult to try things that we know we aren’t going to be good at. If it doesn’t go as planned or work in the way we think it should, then we feel an overwhelming sense of shame. One of the quotes from the book that resonated with me was:

“We can be truly successful only at something we’re willing to fail at.”

This quote reminded me that if we want to grow, then we have to challenge ourselves and with this unknown comes the risk of failure. But for us to be truly successful and grow, we have to go beyond the comfortable.

A second huge learning from the book is the understanding of values. I didn’t understand this at first until I was able to make the personal connection to this. Manson can be quoted to say:

“Our values determine the metrics by which we measure ourselves and everyone else”.

When we finish work or go home at the end of the day and think about whether that was a ‘good day’ or a ‘bad day’, what are you using to measure this? What metrics are you using to compare one day to another. What do you look for to know if you can feel a sense of achievement and pride for the day you have just had?

To better understand this, Manson explains the two different types of value sets that people can have. They are:

1. Values centred around: pleasure, material success, always being right, staying positive;

or…

2. Values that are: reality-based, socially constructive and immediate and controllable.

For many of us, we set goals that are focused to the first set of values. These might be things like:

buying a new car
getting the better job
going on a holiday

…but what happens when you have achieved this? Sure, it might feel good for a short time, but then what happens? You feel sad? You’ve worked hard to achieve these goals and then… nothing. It’s happened. It’s done. And now you are left wondering what to do next. This is a pattern of goal setting I’ve found myself trapped in. A cycle of goals based on pleasurable or material success and although this drives you to be the best you can be to achieve the goals, it has a devastating disadvantage when you: a) can’t achieve it or b) do achieve it and then don’t have anything else left.

The second set of values are based around the way you see yourself (and others), as a person and the way you want others to see you as well. If at the end of the day you can reflect and think “yeah, I did (insert profoundly important goal here)” then you will feel a sense of success towards your day regardless of the challenges that stood between you and the things you desire.

Here are some examples of the values that could be important to you:

honesty, innovation, vulnerability, self-respect, curiosity, creativity…

But for me, the value of ‘helping others’ is the most powerful. After reading this chapter I realised that if I’m going home at the end of the day and measuring my success against scale scores and test results or work related targets, then I can often feel disappointed or like I should have done more. What is even more important to me is the notion of supporting others to be the best they can be. With this realisation, I then started to change what I prioritised on a daily basis. I now make sure I give myself opportunities to practise my values. I look for opportunities to speak to others and see that they are able to achieve their own goals and support those that need it. This blog is an example of that. By writing these words and by discussing these concepts, I hope to help others that are trying to understand the complexity that is the human brain and associated emotions.

This notion of a values based metric is supported by another influencing author: Simon Sinek who in his book ‘Start With Why’ says:

“There are only two ways to influence human behaviour: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.”

When you think about it, your values are the ‘why’ to your what. The why is shown through the what that you do and the decisions you make. It drives your decision making and shows people who you are.

So, start with why. Can you articulate your most important value? Is this what you are using to measure a successful day?

This blog was inspired by the book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson and Start with Why by Simon Sinek.

Thank you for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert the next time a blog is posted.

Turning the Light On Guilt and Shame

“Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren’t a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” Cheryl Strayed

Turning thirty, for me, was a shameful experience thanks to societal expectations. Leading up to my 30th, I had told myself that I was not doing as well as I should be for this stage of my life. Society has told us that by the time you are thirty you ‘should’ be married, have children and be financially secure. I know that times are changing and this isn’t necessarily the ‘norm’ anymore, but I felt like a failure moving into my thirties because of it. It was for this reason that I had great anxiety going to my own 30th birthday party because I didn’t feel worthy of the time people were giving me by attending. This is just one little example of how a feeling of shame can be crippling and socially isolating and I’m sure I’m not the only one who has let societal expectations creep into our thoughts and make us feel a sense of shame.

Have you ever considered the difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’… do you consider them to be different? If you are like me then you might be using these terms interchangeably but they are actually very different and can have a significant impact on the way we see ourselves.

How many times have you felt a sensation of guilt? Eating something you know you shouldn’t have… ignoring someone… telling a lie… walking the long way around so you don’t ‘bump’ into someone… these are all actions that might cause a guilt type response.

Guilt is not a bad thing. Guilt keeps us in check. I’m currently reading “I Thought It Was Just Me- But It Isn’t” by Brene Brown and she explains that:

‘Guilt is holding an action or behaviour up against our values and beliefs.’

Guilt is therefore an emotion that helps us understand that our thoughts or actions are not aligned to our values and beliefs. Guilt is an emotion that encourages us to re-think our choices and consider a better alternative.

The problem I have had is when I let ‘guilt’ turn into ‘shame’… and that can be really hard to come back from.

Welcome to blog #4.

Isn’t it funny how incredibly helpful hindsight can be? I’ve spent years trying to understand how the decisions that I’ve made in the past have got me to the point that I am now and yet with reading 12 simple words in the middle of a paragraph in a book by Brene Brown, I have the answer I’ve been searching for… shame.

‘Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.’

Shame is a devastating emotion that isolates us from our friends, family and our communities. When we become this disconnected from others, it can lead to a nasty path of ‘negative self-talk’ and for many of us, depression.

The difference between ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ is when we take a moment or thing that has happened and express it with regards to ourselves.

If I feel ‘guilty’ about eating chocolate most nights of the week because I’m stressed about study and work, then I might think or say something like: “I’m not being as healthy as I should be lately, I need to make better choices”… but this can quickly turn to ‘shame’ when we say or think something like: “I’m an idiot for eating like this.”

The damage comes when we turn a situation or event into a personal attack. The change can happen quickly and without us even noticing. We subtly start dropping the “I’m” into our thoughts and without us evening noticing it, we feel a sense of shame about our choices. The worst thing about starting a pattern of shame thinking is the fact shameful behaviour perpetuates itself. If you say things like I’m an idiot, liar, failure… then you will start to believe it. This story you’re telling yourself becomes your new narrative. Apparently this is just ‘who you are’ and if you don’t see anyone and speak to anyone because of the shame you are feeling, then who will tell you any different. Brene Brown has developed this definition:

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.’

I have felt a lot of shame. For me, having a perfectionist type attitude often results in a feeling of shame. Although, this is something I’m working on! Whenever something doesn’t ‘go’ as expected or as I would like it to go, I immediately believe it’s my own fault and that I’m the one that is stupid or to blame. This often results in a feeling of unworthiness and isolation. I would choose to not spend time with friends or family because I felt like I was wasting their time, being a burden on them or believed they felt obliged to spend time with me. I couldn’t accept that people might ‘like’ the idea of spending time with me. To me, I was not being fair to others by suggesting a catch-up.

So, how can we overcome shame? Brene Brown has an idea:

“Comfort comes from recognising that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.”

From my limited understanding on this (I’m not an expert but I’m trying to work this out), it seems as though we have to let others in to overcome this nauseating shame feeling. We have to be vulnerable with those around us and say “I’m feeling guilty about this, can I talk to you…” and for the privileged person who is listening to say “you know what, I don’t think you’re the only one… it’s going to be ok”

Validation of our guilt, creating a sense of normality and a true friend to enable us the chance to ‘get-it-off-our-chest’ so to speak, are the ingredients to help put us on the right path to overcoming shame.

So, let’s become shame shifters. Let’s listen for the negative self-talk and redirect it. If you hear someone say “I’m….(insert negative comment here)”… stop them and say “you’re not (this negative comment), but it sounds like you are feeling guilty about a mistake you made”… Let’s be vulnerable and articulate the problems we see/ feel or hear. Let’s focus on the mistake and not the negative-self talk. We don’t accept this anymore. Let’s stop this shameful (the personal attack) and accept the guilt we feel for our mistakes. We need to learn from them and trust the people around us to show empathy when we are vulnerable.

Shame is not something we can overcome on our own. We need people around us to help turn on the light to this dark and worrying feeling of shame; so then we can see a clear path out of it.

This blog post was inspired by the book: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). By Brene Brown. https://www.penguin.com.au/books/i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt

Thank you for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe so that you will get an alert the next time a blog is posted.

Do You Know What You Are Living For?

*“You also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world” Oprah Winfrey.*

– Me, completing a Faber Writing Academy course and realising I want to be a writer, one day –

Mark Manson is a genius… his book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving an F*ck’ changed the trajectory of my life. You see it was Mark Manson that made me consider what I use to measure success and subsequent happiness. What is it that makes us consider a day to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and what drives the decisions we make. The answer… our values.

Welcome to blog number 3.

For the most part, I was living my life for perception. I wanted to prove myself to the world and show them that against all odds, I can do great things. I was pushing myself to be great based on status, job title, income, fashion items… things that stereotypically say “hey, I’m doing alright, don’t you think?”…. but in doing so I was neglecting to think about one really important thing- my happiness. When we are caught up living life in a particular way (for perception and for others), it’s easy to lose sight of what it is that we actually see as important and we forget to live our lives for ourselves.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. If it wasn’t for this pressure to appear perfect, I wouldn’t have achieved some of the incredible things I have achieved. These goals pushed me to learn the skills that have since supported me to overcome huge challenges and push myself to achieve some amazing things… but at what cost?

After listening to the Podcast: The Meaning of Life is a Ham Sandwich by Mark Manson, I finally found some clarity to the question “why am I not happy?” The answer… measuring a good day on the wrong thing.

Just one of the many great blogs by Mark Manson.

Before we get to the values part, Mark Manson spends a huge amount of time referring to ‘meaning’ in this article. He says: “Meaning is like the water of our psychological health. Without it, our hearts and minds will shrivel and die.” We all want to think that our lives have meaning and that we are important. If our lives are not meaningful, then what are we living for? I think some of us are really good at accepting this and we do/ or find things that quantify as meaningful. This could be owning a pet, having an important job, being a loving partner… but then sometimes we search for ‘meaning’ in all the wrong places- our goals.

Sometimes we search for meaning through the less-meaningful goals that we set for ourselves. If we win that prize, get that mark on an assignment, earn that much money, buy that new thing; then we will feel an overwhelming sense of achievement and our lives will feel more meaningful. But here is the kicker, once you have achieved these goals “the meaning they provided when you’re working towards them is the meaning that is taken away once you achieve them” (Manson, 2017, p.5), and you are left wondering once again ‘what am I living for?’

The moral of this story is not to stop setting yourself goals… far from it. Goals are great as motivators and to push us towards success. We still need to set ourselves goals. But if we measure a day to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on how close we are to achieving these goals, then we are going to be disappointed more times than not. Instead of measuring our happiness on goals, measure them on what you value.

After reflecting on this a few months back, I started to change the way I decided if a day was ‘good’ or not. I have stopped measuring my day on the data from academic test results or the amount of money I have or the number of people that said something nice to me. I have thought long and hard about what I truly value and eventually I realised, it’s how well I have supported others and if through my interaction with someone, they feel valued and important. I also value hard work, life-long learning and persistence. These are the values that helped drive me to start this blog. I use them now to decide if I should or shouldn’t do something. I have a hope that my reflective thinking and personal discoveries will one day help someone else and by publishing this blog, I will reach the people that need it the most.

If I can go home at the end of the day and feel like I’ve helped someone overcome a challenge or work through something that was troubling them, then I have had a good day. If I can reflect on the day and feel like I’ve worked really hard and tried my best, then I’ve had a good day. If I discover something new and push myself to continue learning, then I’ve had a good day- regardless of the other stuff. The other stuff might seem important but it doesn’t mean as much in the long run. Your character and the way others see you is what is going to truly matter, and the way you see yourself.

This revelation changed everything for me. I went from a person who could only feel happy if I achieved great success and external praise because of the goals I had set myself, to a person that can now feel proud of myself if I stay true to my values and make decisions based on them. I think it’s fair to say that I have more ‘good’ days now because of it.

So, what matters to you? What do you really value? How will you measure a day as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and what makes you feel better as a person? You deserve to be happy, so don’t be too hard on yourself and use your values to measure it.

Here is a link to the Podcast/ Blog post by Mark Manson that inspired this post: https://markmanson.net/the-meaning-of-life

Protecting Ourselves from Pride

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and see a path. By all means, you should follow that”. Ellen Degeneres.

Imagine this. It’s getting late on a Saturday night and I’m in the middle of the ‘standing only’ floor of a sold out arena, listening to Amy Shark in concert. I’m captivated by her voice, the atmosphere and living for the shared experience I’m having with everyone else inside the arena. As the concert goes on, Amy intermittently introduces some of the songs before she sings them. Her stories give new meaning to the lyrics and I can see how she has turned her experiences into stories (songs) for others to enjoy but also learn from. The night went on until she introduced her next song “I Said Hi” and that’s when I felt it… the ‘oh, I get it’ feeling… welcome to blog #2.

Amy Shark told us that “I Said Hi” is a song for all the people that had doubted her. You see, I’ve listened to this song many times and have not once considered it to be a song about pride. When I say pride, I’m talking about that feeling of being proud. To win that race against doubt. To ‘show’ others that you can do it, even when they thought you couldn’t. I liked this song before the concert, but now I love it.

Protecting ourselves from pride is the idea of holding back our sense of achievement due to fear of appearing vulnerable. If we seek praise we might get criticism. If we feel proud of our achievements, we might then feel content and stop striving for more. If we feel proud and successful, we fear someone could take this away from us and so it might be easier to just protect ourselves from pride altogether.

All of a sudden I felt a need to write another blog post. This post was necessary because I want everyone to consider the importance of recognising your achievements in spite of those that doubt us. “I Said Hi” reminded me that once we are in the arena and we feel a sense of achievement or success by overcoming our vulnerability, we should acknowledge it. For many of us we are from a culture or live by an unspoken rule, that if we celebrate our achievements we are subjecting ourselves to fault-finding from those around us.

In the song Amy Shark sings the lyrics:

“Tell ‘em all I said, “Hi, hope you’ve been well.

You’ve been asleep while I’ve been in hell”

Tell ‘em all I said, “Hi, have a nice day

I’ll be just fine, don’t worry ‘bout me” …

…and this is where I realised she is describing a moment where she is stepping away from the negative. She has made a conscious choice to move on. This is a song about no longer engaging with the doubters and asking someone else to pass on that message. Doubters and negative individuals can be hugely detrimental, but having the courage to stand strong and decide that you deserve better is critical to being happy.

For too long now we have not recognised the Iceberg Illusion. It’s a metaphor that explains how success is like the tip of an iceberg. It’s the part that everyone can see. But what they can’t see is the huge amount of the iceberg that is under the surface and this represents the hard work, failures and disappointment that helped you achieve your goals. Just because we can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Persistence is one of the unseen parts of the iceberg illusion. But this is also where we grow. Without challenge, we are not learning. This could be learning to achieve or master a new skill, or just understanding ourselves better.

Perhaps this is why so many people are quick to judge those that step into the arena because they didn’t see that person fight their way through the challenge until they finally got to the centre of the arena. But right there, in that moment when you realise you have achieved your goals and you have been successful against all odds- take a second and acknowledge it. Be proud of what you have achieved, reflect on how big a moment this is for you and remind yourself that you did it.

Recently I read a quote by Jane Austen that says “Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery.” It is inevitable that people will find negative things to say. They will question your intentions, integrity and eventually your spirit. This will be hard to ignore but here’s what I want you to remember… you are writing this story. Celebrate the wins, acknowledge the tough bits but let the others write a story that dwells on guilt and misery because you are not going to let doubters get in your way.

What are you proud of? What have you worked hard to achieve? Are you ready to turn away from the doubters?

This blog was inspired by (link to video): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K4KwuV2l4s

The Fear of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is like a rose. It’s soft, beautiful, fragile and resilient- even when neglected.

If you’re reading this, then I’ve actually done it. I have hit the “PUBLISH” button and I’ve been daring and brave; courageous and vulnerable, and started an online blog.

Welcome to the first post.

I have felt a shadow of doubt around the idea and potential success of starting a blog. Will anyone read it? Will I get a positive response? Do I have anything worth writing about? But after listening to and reading a book by author Brené Brown, I understand the purpose of this site is to enable the part of me that values supporting others. Writing has been a key strategy to support my mental health and the way I try to understand the world. It is through my writing that I can synthesize ideas, explore concepts and challenge my thinking. My hope is that this site will become a place to challenge your thinking, provide you with new insights and hopefully support you to know yourself better. But to do this, I will need the courage to be vulnerable and share my learning with an audience bigger than myself.

“Chose courage, not comfort” is a quote I recently heard whilst watching a Netflix special with Brené Brown. This quote resonated with me for days as I considered what it meant to be courageous. The quote was stimulated from a reference Brené Brown shared by Theodore Roosevelt titled: ‘The Man in the Arena.’ The part that resonated with me was this:

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…… who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least while daring greatly…”

I feel we have a moral imperative to change the narrative of the tall-poppy syndrome. Speak up to the ones that want to bring down those that aspire to be great. To challenge those that are not in the arena to consider their opinions before shouting them. I would like to encourage those that have an authentic voice to share a vision that challenges us and invites us to think differently. If we let the fear of vulnerability control us, will we feel the reward of success or simply accept the comfortable because we know that deep within us the comfortable can not hurt.

The aim of this blog is to share with you the challenges, learnings and personal growth that has come from years of self-discovery. I am not an expert, but I have lived a life where perfectionism was valued over happiness and a desire to be great was at the cost of shame when failure hit. But here is a little secret- we can’t be perfect, but we can be true to our values and measure our worth based on the way we treat others.

So, what is it that makes you feel vulnerable? What challenges you? What do you see others doing and think to yourself “I wish I could do that?” Well what if you did? What would be the worst thing that could happen? You fail? Isn’t it better to try and know than fail and wonder?

This blog was inspired by…link to video: https://www.netflix.com/au/title/81010166